Old and New Jokes

There was a young woman who lived with her grandmother. One night, the granddaughter came bouncing down the stairs dressed to go out to a party wearing a see-through blouse without a bra. Her grandmother told her to go back upstairs and "dress decent". No, I want to show off my rosebuds! she said and bounded out the door. The next day, the granddaughter came outside to find her grandmother on the porch wearing a see-through blouse without a bra. Grandmother! What are you doing? A couple of other friends are coming over any time now! Please go change your blouse, Im so embarrassed! No. If you can show off them rosebuds then I can show off my hanging baskets.

Three rabbis were talking over a regular Sunday morning breakfast get-together.

Rabbi Ginsberg says, We have such a problem with mice at our schul. The shammos sets all kinds of baited traps but they kept coming back. Do either of you learned men know how I can get rid of these vermin?

The second rabbi, Rabbi Cohen, replied, We have the same problem at our synagogue, weve spent all kinds of gelt on exterminators but the problem still persists. Any suggestions?

The third rabbi, Rabbi Slosberg, looked at Rabbi Ginsberg and Rabbi Cohen and told the following story:

Rabbis, we had the same problem with mice at our synagogue. We tried traps, exterminators, even prayers; but nothing worked. Then one Shabbos after services were over a brilliant idea came into my mind. The next Shabbos I went to the synagogue about an hour before services started. I brought a big wheel of yellow cheese and placed it in the center of the bima. Well, soon, hundreds of mice appeared on the bima and headed for the cheese. While they were feasting on the cheese, I bar-mitzvahed all of them. I have never seen any of them in shul again!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Norma Lee!
Norma Lee who?
Norma Lee dont go round knocking on doors!

In days of old, when knights were bold, this particular knight was leaving for a crusade and called one of his squires, Im leaving for the crusade.

Here is the key to my wifes chastity belt. If, in 10 years, I havent returned, you may use the key as Im sure she will have needs

The knight sets out on the dusty road, armored from head to toe. He takes one last look at his castle and sees the squire rushing across the drawbridge, yelling, Stop! Stop!

Thank goodness I was able to catch you. This is the WRONG KEY.

A woman approaches her priest and tells him,
Father, I have a problem. I have two talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.

What do they say? the priest inquires.

They only know how to say, Hi, were prostitutes. Want to have some fun?

Thats terrible, the priest exclaims, but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots that I taught to pray and recite the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship.

Thank you, the woman responds.

The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priests house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The woman puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots.

Immediately, the female parrots say, Hi, were prostitutes, want to have some fun?

One of the male parrots looks over at the other male parrot and says,
Put the beads away, our prayers have been answered.

Si perseguís con la vista a las chavalas hasta que doblan la esquina.

Si a la operadora le decís: Vé Amorcitó…

Si gritás tanto en el teléfono que podrías economizarte la llamada.

Si en cada picazón Componés Nicaragua.

Si ya picado te da por cantar rancheras a pleno pulmón.

Si señalas con los labios: (Esa es, eh, eh!)

Si llamás a las meseras haciendo: ¡Psst,psst!

Si después de escuchar el Himno Nacional gritás: ¡Viva el Bóer!

Si escupís como si fuera un concurso de jabalina.

Si tus hijas se llaman Araceli, Jamilette y Ninoska y vos te llamás: Estebana o Josefa.

Si te salís al atrio a fumar durante el sermón.

Si te quieren sacar de los salones por platicar a gritos durante el show.

Si ordenás Gillettes para rasurarte aunque esa marca ya no exista, un Kotex aunque usés Amiga.

Si casi armás una asonada por conseguir una estampa repartida en misa o una gorra en La Purísima.

Si contás y comentás la película en voz alta.

Si te lustrás de pie en la calle y pedís un masaje en la barbería.

Si agitás el vaso de tu trago como si fuera de pinolillo.

Si tirás las chivas de cigarro al suelo.

Si pedís rebaja en todos lados.

Si viajás con quince cajas de cartón mal amarradas con manila y tape.

Si tu única valija lleva amarrada una cinta colorada en la agarradera para su mejor identificación.

Si al esperar a los pasajeros que llegan les gritás detrás del vidrio y luego te instalás justo en la pasada bloqueando la salida.

Si en cada viaje te despedís con lágrimas y mocos de toda la familia.

Si en tu equipaje encuentran rosquillas, queso, cuajada.

Si en cada viaje te llevás al menos una hamaca.

Si te encanta comer con las manos.

Si usás sombrilla en las procesiones, pero no paraguas en un aguacero.

Si todavía usas leontina para tus llaves.

Si botás las hojas, las bolsas plásticas o las sobras de lo que te comés, en la carretera.

Si en cuanto escuchás un tiroteo te vas a asomar en vez de guarecerte.

Si comés sardinas ovaladas todas las Semanas Santas.

Si en la entrada de tu casa hay un Corazón de Jesús.

Si andás una imagen de la Virgen en el carro o un rosario colgado en el espejo.

Si todavía llamás hielera a tu refrigeradora.

Si bebés refrescos en bolsa plástica.

Si antes de comer en tu casa ya comiste 3 veces en la calle.

Si a la hora del almuerzo extendés tu hoja de vigorón sobre el escritorio.

Si en las fiestas las mujeres están sentadas y los hombres platicando de pie lejos de ellas.

Si entre más bulla hay, más alegre te parece el evento.

Si tu radio se escucha en todo el vecindario.

Si usás chinelas de gancho y calcetines en la playa, o te bañas en camisola.

Si celebrás la Purísima estés donde estés.

Si tomás fresco entre las comidas.

Si enrollás los reales en un pañuelo o en un Kleenex y te los metés en el buche.

Si sumergís las rosquillas en el café.

Si usás toalla para protegerte del sereno.

Si a todas las visitas les ofrecés algo de comer.

Si tenés un palito de chile sembrado cerca del lavamanos del comedor.

Si te sentás a la puerta de tu casa a ver pasar la gente.

Si después de comer te enjuagás la boca y tirás la buchada al patio.

Si podés entender a 20 personas hablando a la vez en una discusión.

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.

2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and lift both lids.



3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him to the bathroom.



4. In one smooth movement, put the cat into the toilet and close both lids. (You may need to stand on the top so he cannot escape.) CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the cat, as his paws will be reaching for anything they can find.



5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a power wash and rinse which I have found to be quite effective.



6. Have someone open the back door and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the garden.



7. Stand behind the toilet as much as you can and lift both lids quickly.



8. The freshly cleaned cat will rocket out of the toilet and run outside, where he will dry himself.



Sincerely, The Dog

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Cherry!
Cherry who?
Cherry oh, see you later!

After Coach Holmgren dies and enters the Pearly Gates, God takes him on tour. He shows Mr. Holmgren a little two-room house with a faded Green Bay Packers banner hanging from the front porch.

This is your house, coach. Most people dont get their own houses up here, God says.

Coach Holmgren looks at the house, then turns around and looks at the one sitting on top of the hill. Its a huge three-story mansion with white marble columns and little patios under all the windows. Denver flags line both sides of the sidewalk and a huge Broncos banner hangs between the marble columns.

Thanks for the house, God, but let me ask you a question. I get this little two-room house with a faded banner and Shanahan gets a huge mansion with Bronco banners and flags flying all over the place. Why is that?

God looks at Holmgren seriously for a moment. Thats not Shanahan s house, God says Thats my house.

There were nine blondes and a brunette hanging of a rope 100 stories high. They had decided that one of them had to get off.They argued and argued and finally the brunette said Ill go. The brunette made a touching speech and all the blondes clapped.