Old and New Jokes

A poor man and woman sat down in their living room and the man said, Im going down to the pub for a bit, so put your coat on.
The woman replied, Oh, sweetie, why? Are you taking me with you?

The man replied, No, Im turning the heat off.

put a scratch and sniff snicker at the bottom of the pool and tell the blonde to jupm in after it

An 80-year-old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how hes feeling. Ive never been better! he replies. Ive got an 18-year-old bride whos pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?

The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy whos an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day hes in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun.

So hes in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appears in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the bear, and squeezes the handle. The bear drops dead in front of him, suffering from a bullet wound in his its chest.

Thats impossible! Someone else must have shot that bear, the man said.

Exactly, replies the Doc.

Dear Bill:
As a fellow Southern Baptist, I can sympathize with your predicament. Although when I was president I merely lusted in my heart, I have to admit that had I served another term, my lust might have broken free and moved down my body. God bless you in this time of trial.
— Jimmy Carter

Dear Bill:
OK, so Ill never be president, but at least Donna Rice was a babe!
— Gary Hart

My Dear Chap:
This is a bit of a sticky wicket, but if I were you, I should ask that charming Jay Leno fellow to see you through. Pop onto his show, admit that you made an ass of yourself and all will be forgiven.
— Hugh Grant

Bill:
They entrapped me, they framed me, they caught me in a motel with drugs and a prostitute, but I bounced back and so can you! Bitch done set us up!
— Mayor Marion Berry

Dear Bill:
Look at the bright side. At least you werent caught wearing Monicas thong underwear. By the way, did you catch my sports show? Im back on TV for the fall.
— Marv Albert

Dear Mr. President:
You may have noticed that Im not jumping on the impeachment bandwagon (note: this was written a week ago). Let me assure you, youre not the only one in Congress who thinks oral sex isnt really sex.
Warm personal regards,
Newt

Dear Bill:
Hang in there, pal! By the way, Kathie Lee sends Hillary her regards and invites her to come on her show anytime.
— Frank Gifford

Dear Mr. President:
Now Im on the Supreme Court. Im here for life! And theres nothing anyone can do about it! So there!
— Justice Clarence (Long Dong) Thomas

Dear Former Worthy Opponent:
Whoo, Boy! All I can say is, Bob Dole would never have gotten himself into this mess. Not Bob Dole! Not before Viagra, anyway!
— Bob Dole

Dear Mr. President:
I think its terrible what they are doing to you, and I want you to now that if you need to get away from it all, youre welcome to bring Buddy and stay with me on my Wonderland Ranch for as long as you want. Ill move the Cub Scout Pack to a tent on the lawn and you can have their room.
— Michael Jackson

Dear Fellow Sinner:
Jesus forgives you and so do I.
— Rev. Jimmy Swaggart

Dear Bill:
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
— Jim Baker
P.S. Jessica sends regards and wants to get together with you sometime.

Dear Bill:
Next time (if there is a next time), dont let them get you on tape. Big mistake!!
— With sympathy, Rob Lowe

Dear Bill:
If I survived wanting to be a tampon, you can survive the cigar bit. Things were grim for a while, but now it looks like I might actually manage to marry my darling Camilla, and someday Ill be King! Funny how life turns out. So keep a stiff upper lip! (And relax everything else, haha! And they say I dont have a sense of humor)
— HRH Charles Windsor, Prince of Wales

Dear Mr. President:
We invite you to be the cover subject of our next issue.
— The editors, Cigar Aficionado magazine

A man was complaining to a friend:

I had it all; money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; then, Pow! it was all gone!

What happened? asked the friend.

My wife found out…

They are: Her Doctor; he says, Take your clothes off.

Her Dentist; he says, Open wide.

Her Veterinarian; he says, And how is your little pussy doing today?

Her Gardener; he says, Do you want me to mulch your bush?

Her Hairdresser; he says, Do you want it teased or blown?

Her Interior Decorator; he says, Youll like it once its in.

Her Hunter; he goes deep into the bush, shoots several times, and always eats what he shoots.

Her Remodeler; he says, It fits tongue-in-groove with a little hammering.

Her Milkman; he says, Do you want it in front or in back?

Her Banker; he says, If you take it out too soon, youll lose interest.

Sean Connery has been quiet of late, having done no work in quite a while. So he decides to phone his agent and find out what sort of jobs are going. The agent says that hell make a few enquiries, but he isnt sure that there is much call for aging Scots actors, even of Seans stature.The next day, the agent calls back and says Sean, I have great news. I have found you a job. Its not great, but its a startWhat ish it? asks SeanIts an advertisement for television. The producer is keen to meet you. You have to be there for ten-ishTennish? says Sean But I dont have a racquet

The crumbling, old church building needed remodeling, so the preacher made an impassioned appeal, looking directly at the richest man in town. At the end of the message, the rich man stood up and announced, Pastor, I will contribute $1,000.

Just then, plaster fell from the ceiling and struck the rich man on the shoulder. He promptly stood again and shouted, Pastor, I will increase my donation to $5,000.

Before he could sit back down, plaster fell on him again, and again he virtually screamed, Pastor, I will double my last pledge.

He sat down, and an larger chunk of plaster fell hitting him on the head. He stood once more and hollered, Pastor, I will give $20,000!

This prompted a deacon to shout, Hit him again, Lord! Hit him again!

James and his wife, Martha, are getting ready to leave home for a vacation.

Martha started out the door, then stopped, turned around, and said, James, this time you should go check to see if the coffee pot is off, television plugs are pulled, lamp timers are set, thermostat is adjusted, windows are closed and locked, burglar alarm is on, doors are locked, and Ill go wait in the car and keep blowing the horn.

A Guy goes into a bar and orders a beer, when the bartender brings his beer the Guy pays him and puts an octopus on the bar The Bartender tells him, get that thing out of here.

The Guy says, No, wait you dont understand. This is no ordinary octopus. This octopus can play any musical instrument you can think of.

The bartender says, Bullshit, no octopus can do that.

The Guy says, No, really Ill bet you one hundred dollars that you cant find a musical instrument he cant play.

The bartender says, OK youre on. Try the piano in the corner.

The Guy takes the octopus to the piano and it played like a pro. The bartender went into the back room and brought out a guitar.

The octopus played a song on it.

The bartender said, OK Im not done yet so he brings out three kinds of horns and a set of drums.

The octopus played them all.

The bartender said, Alright I have one more instrument to try before I give up. He goes in the back and comes out with a bagpipe, and sets it in the middle of the floor.

The octopus gets up on all eight legs and walks around it a couple of times then jumps on it. Then he walks around it a couple more times and jumps up and down on it a few more times.

The bartender says, There I knew I could find one he couldnt play.

The Guy said, Now just wait a minute Hell play it just as soon as he figures out he cant have sex with it.

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