Old and New Jokes

Virtual reality is its own reward.

Guy walks into a restaurant. Orders eggs.

The waitress asks, How would you like those eggs cooked?

The guy says, Hey, that would be great.

A couple, concerned with speaking of sex in front of their children, decided to rename sex with the words washing machine.

Each time one of the two decided to entice the other, they would say, How about some washing machine, dear?

Well, one night, the husband was feeling quite amorous and asked his wife for a little washing machine, but the wife refused on the grounds of having a headache.

After a while, the wife reconsidered the husbands request thinking of allowing herself to have a headache interrupt their sexual activities. So, the wife awoke her husband and offered to participate in a little washing machine action.

The husband rolled over, facing his wife, and declared, No, thats ok, dear. It was a small load anyway, so I did it out by hand.

She told her husband that she should be having sex at least fifteen times a month.
Great! replied the husband. Put me down for Five.

You might be a redneck if…
You think the stock market has a fence around it.

This is one of my favourites, it has been circulated around offices for goodness know how long. Hope you enjoy it. (actually hope you havent seen it before).

TO ALL STAFF:

NEW SICK LEAVE POLICY:

Frequent absenteeism has forced introduction of the following changes effective immediately:

SICKNESS: No excuse for absence. We will not accept your doctors certificate as proof. If you are unable to visit your doctor, you will have to be prepared to submit to thorough examination by your department or branch manager at your home on the day you report sick.

DEATH: (other than your own): This is not an excuse. There is nothing you can do for the deceased and we are sure that someone else in a lesser position can attend to the arrangements. However, if the funeral can be held late in the afternoon, we will be glad to let you off 20 minutes early-provided your work is sufficiently advanced to keep the job going in your absence.

LEAVE FOR AN OPERATION: This is not an excuse. We will no longer allow this practice. We wish to discourage any thoughts you may have about needina an operation. We believe that as long as you are employed here you will need all of whatever organs you have, and you should not consider having anything removed. We employed you for what you are and to have anything removed would certainly be less than we bargained for. (Note: an exception will be made for warts).

DEATH: (your own): This will be accepted as an excuse, buth we would like two weeks notice, as we feel it is your duty to teach someone your job.

TOILET VISIT: Entirely too much time is going spent in b toilets. In future we will follow alphabetical order:- For example, those whose surname begins with A will go from 9 a.m. to 9:05 a.m.. B will go from 9:05 a.m. to 9:10 a.m., and so on.

IF YOU ARE UNABLE TO GO AT THE ALLOCATED TIME. IT WILL BE NECESSARY TO WAIT UNTIL THE NEXT DAY WHEN YOUR TURN COMES AGAIN.

Summer days are here again
by Jeffrey Yamaguchi

[W]eve come up with a few excuses to help get you out of work during these glorious summer months. Weve used the very elements of summer to help you get some more time hanging out poolside, getting a tan, swimming at the beach, or whatever floats your boat in the heat of these sizzling summer days. All we know is that you dont want to be at the office. In pants. Or shoes. Or maybe clothes altogether, for that matter.

Long live the summer. Make it last, and make the most of it.Find that bar with the patio and order some nice cold onesevery damn sun setting, royal blue sky night. Yes!

Here are the excuses:

It was so hot yesterday that the wool suit I was wearing gave me this horrible rash. I dont think I can make it into the office. My face and neck are just covered with this rash, and my legs as well. I think Id really scare people, and its just itchy as all hell…

I fell asleep in the sun yesterday, and Ive got a really bad sunburn. I can barely move, and I think I might have to go to the doctor. (Of course, this means you have to go spend some time in the sun on your day off. Poor you.)

My air conditioner must have blown out a fuse, and so my alarm clock didnt go off this morning. And it got so stuffy in my apartment that it must have made me really oversleep. I cant believe its almost noon… and Im just totally dehydrated and not feeling too well. I dont think Ill be able to come in at all today.

I was doing volunteer community clean up work in the sun all day yesterday, and I worked myself so hard that I think Im suffering from heatstroke. Im not feeling well, so I better stay home today, just to make sure Im okay.

I was swimming in the ocean yesterday, and I accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of salt water, and Im not feeling too well today. Real queasy. Im sure its nothing but I better stay home, drink lots of water, and rest up. Im sure Ill be fine by tomorrow.

My cat usually goes outside during the day while Im at work, but right after I let him out, I realized how hot it was outside, and I just knew he should not be out in heat like this. Ill come in as soon as I can, but Ive got to find my cat. He just took off. I cant find him. Hes a really furry cat and I just know he wont do well in this heat. Im so worried. I better get off the phone so I can keep looking for him.

I was rushing to get to work and I jumped into the car and the car seat was so hot that I burned the back of my legs. Theyre all red and swollen and sore, so I think Im going to have to let them heal today. Its no big deal – I just wouldnt be able to sit at my desk all day. But Ill be in tomorrow.

I was walking around barefoot yesterday and I stepped on a nail. I could barely walk yesterday, and today its just a little bit better. I should be fine by tomorrow, but today, well, it still kind of hurts, and I also have to go to the doctor to get a tetanus shot.

http://www.workingfortheman.com/ (c) Jeffrey Yamaguchi

Three blondes were witnesses to a crime, so they went to the police station to identify the suspect. The police chief said he would show them a mug shot of someone for thirty seconds, then ask each one for a description. After showing the photo to the first blonde, he covered it, then asked her how she would recognize the suspect. Easy, she replied. He only has one eye. The chief was stunned. He only has one eye because it is a profile shot! Think about it! He repeated the procedure for the second blonde and again asked how she would recognize him. He only has one ear, was her answer. What is the matter with you people?!? It is a profile shot! You are seeing him from the side! He repeated the procedure for the third blonde, then said, How would you recognize the suspect? Now think before you give me a stupid answer. After viewing the photo, she thought for a minute, then said, Hes wearing contact lenses. This took the chief by surprise. He looked real hard at the picture and couldnt tell if the suspect had contacts or not, so he went into the database and looked at the report. Sure enough, when the mug shot was taken, he was wearing contact lenses! He went back to her and asked, How could you tell he was wearing contact lenses? Nobody else here in this precinct saw that! Well, she said, he cant wear regular glasses with only one eye and one ear, now, can he?

At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends.

The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical, tell jokes, sing, and stay home at night!

An old granny overheard and spoke up, Honey, if thats all you want, get a TV!

This old lady went to a doctors office and told him that she has bad gas, but you cant smell it or hear it. So the doctor gives her two pills and tells her take them and come back tomorrow. She came back and said that you cant hear the gas but now you can smell it. Then the doctor says, "Good now we can work on your hearing."