Un niño, que sale corriendo y llorando de una casa, se topa con un policÃa. El uniformado trata de consolarlo:
¿Qué te pasa?
¡Es que mi mamá me quiere vender!, responde espantado el pequeño.
¿Por qué, dices eso?, pregunta intrigado el hombre.
Es que mi mamá es criada en esa casa de allá, y oà que el patrón le preguntó: ¿Cuánto por el chico?
A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunks shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick, and he had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading.
A couple of minutes later, he asked the priest, Father, what causes arthritis?
Mister, its caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man.
Well, Ill be damned, the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he said, turned to the man and apologized. Im sorry, I didnt mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?
I dont have arthritis, Father, but I just read in the paper that the Pope does.
Your so fat when you dived of the diving board the water moved out of the way.
One of Microsofts finest techs was sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all of his attempts had completely missed the target.
The Microsoft tech looked at his rifle and then at the target again. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand.
The end of his finger was completely blown off: The Microsoft tech yelled toward the target area: Its leaving here just fine. The trouble must be at your end!
Never sell a bear skin before catching the bear.
A record company have launched a CD with a compilation of your favourite tunes which youd hear at your local indian restaurant so that when you have a curry at home you can feel really authentic. (thats true btw).
Anyway, they suggested what the songs might be called:
Snappy answers to sappy questions:
All your puny problems solved in 10 words or less!
Q: Dear Abby,
What can I do about my little brother? Hes such a pest!
A: Have you tried a flyswatter?
Q: Dear Abby,
My boss is a mean, unappreciative slave driver who constantly belittles me. What can I do?
A: Shut up and get back to work!
Q: Dear Abby,
My dad insists I clean my room! How can I get out of this?
A: Get a new dad.
Q: Dear Abby,
Why are you so lazy?
A: Dear loser, Why are you so stupid? Next question.
Q: Dear Abby,
Help! I need to lose weight! How can I stop eating all the fattening foods I love?
A: Send them to me and Ill eat them for you.
This guy is in Toronto on holiday. He doesnt want to do all the usual touristy stuff but he does want to go up the CN tower, the worlds tallest tower. He decides he want to eat in the revolving restaurant right at the top of the tower. He books a table for the evening.
He arrives a little early so he heads to the bar where he orders a pint and starts chugging it back. While hes sitting there another bloke comes and stands beside him. The other guys orders a tequila and vodka shaken. The bartender duly makes the drink.
The guys downs the drink then casually stroles over to the window, he then opens the window and steps out. The tourist guy thinks oh shit, but nobody else seems to bat an eyelid, the guy decides to sit where he is and mind his own business.
Several minutes later the guy who jumped out the window walks back in! He orders the same drink, downs in, then walks out of the window again. The tourist guy is really spooked now, but still he says nothing because nobody else seems bothered.
Then, the window guy walks back into the bar again. The tourist can stand this no longer. He goes and asks the window guy whats going on. The guy says that if you drink tequila and vodka shaken you get the most amazing wind. so when you jump out the window and let go the chuff is so powerful that you just float down to earth.
The guys thinks he has to try this, he orders a tequila vodka shaken, downs it, then jumps out the window… SPLATT, he hits the ground leaving nothing like a greasy mess.
The bartender turn to the window bloke and says Superman youre a real wanker when your pissed.
Overnight, Gov. Elect Jesse Ventura announced various appointments to his new administration.
En una entrevista a un viejo lobo de mar:
Capitán, de sus muchas aventuras por el mundo, ¿cuál recuerda como la más terrible?
¡Hombre! Fue en 1977, tras un largo viaje por los mares de China y Japón. Aquella vez, al regresar a mi casa, se me ocurrió botar las cenizas de mi cigarrillo en el piso que acababa de fregar mi mujer, y… ¡para qué contarle!