Old and New Jokes

God made the world in six days, and on the seventh she was sued for
not filing an environmental impact statement.

If men can run the world, why cant they stop wearing neckties? How
intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?

A plane hit a patch of severe turbulence and the passengers were holding on tight as it rocked and reeled through the night. A little old lady turned to a minister who was sitting behind her and said, Youre a man of God. Cant you do something about this?He replied, Sorry, I cant. Im in sales, not management.

This is an actual job application someone submitted to McDonalds. They hired him. NAME – Greg Bulmash DESIRED POSITION – Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatevers available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldnt be applying here in the first place. DESIRED SALARY – $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If thats not possible, make an offer and we can haggle. EDUCATION – Yes. LAST POSITION HELD – Target for middle management hostility. SALARY – Less than Im worth. MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT – My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes. REASON FOR LEAVING – It sucked. HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK – Any. PREFERRED HOURS – 1:30 – 3:30 pm, Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday. DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS? Yes, but theyre better suited to a more intimate environment. MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER? If I had one, would I be here? DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS? Of what? DO YOU HAVE A CAR? I think the more appropriate question here would be, Do you have a car that runs? HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION? I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes. DO YOU SMOKE? Only when set on fire. WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS? Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks Im the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, Id like to be doing that now. DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE? No, but I dare you to prove otherwise. SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.

Cats and Women



1) Cats do what they want.

2) They rarely listen to you.

3) Theyre totally unpredictable.

4) They whine when they are not happy.

5) When you want to play, they want to be alone.

6) When you want to be alone, they want to play.

7) They expect you to cater to their every whim.

8) Theyre moody.

9) They leave hair everywhere.

10) They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.



Conclusion: Theyre tiny little women in cheap fur coats.

You need to have a British sense of humor (ahem – that would be humour) to fully understand this. There is an explanation of some of the terms following the joke…..


Carlos the ice-cream mans van is parked at the side of the road. Lights flashing, music playing, a big queue of excited kids stretches down the street. But theres no sign of Carlos.


A copper walking down the road wonders what is going on. Where is Carlos?, Why is he not dishing out the ice-cream?


He goes over to the van and peers over the high counter.


On the floor he spots Carlos. Hes lying very still covered in chocolate sauce, strawberry sauce, nuts, hundreds and thousands and those little jelly bits.


Get back kids, he shouts.


Moving away so the bemused kids cannot overhear him he gets on the radio to the police station.


Sarge, get someone down here quick, he stutters, Its Carlos the ice-cream man… … Hes topped himself.


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Being English myself I dont have any problems understanding this joke, but if you are not familiar with the English way of life, then you probably are not aware that we have ice-cream vans everywhere – much more than the USA, and many are run by Italians. We still have coppers (policeman) who walk the streets rather than drive around in cars, and the phrase to top oneself means to take your own life. Cor blimey – does it make sense now mate?

Q: How many bassists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: It doesnt matter. Nobody will notice anyway.

Three women were out golfing one day and one of them hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her,
If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.

The woman freed the frog and the frog said,
Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better.

The woman said,
That would be OK, and for her first wish she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her,
You do realize this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, and that women will flock to him.

The woman replied,
That will be OK because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me.

So, poof – shes the most beautiful woman in the world.

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said,
That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be 10 times richer than you.

The woman said,
That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine.

So, poof – shes the richest woman in the world.

The frog then inquired about her third wish and she answered,
Id like a mild heart attack.

I had been teaching my three-year old daughter the Lords Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer: Lead us not into temptation, she prayed, but deliver us some E-mail. Amen.



And one particular four-year old prayed, And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.



A little boy was overheard praying: Lord, if you cant make me a better boy, dont worry about it. Im having a real good time like I am.



A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, And why is it necessary to be quiet in church? One bright little girl replied, Because people are sleeping.



The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel microphone, & as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord & nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles & jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother & whispered, If he gets loose, will he hurt us?



Six-year old Angie & her four-year old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang & talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. Youre not supposed to talk out loud in church. Why? Whos going to stop me? Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church & said, See those two men standing by the door? Theyre hushers.



A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. If Jesus were sitting here, He would say Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait. Kevin turned to his younger brother & said, Ryan, you be Jesus!



A father was at the beach with his children when his four-year old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, & led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand. Daddy, what happened to him? the son asked. He died & went to Heaven, the dad replied. The boy thought a moment & then said, Did God throw him back down?



A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, & shouted, Thou shall not take the covers off thy neighbors wife.



At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adams ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying as though he was ill, & asked, Johnny what is the matter? Little Johnny responded, I have a pain in my side. I think Im going to have a wife!



This last one is out of the mouth of my co-workers 3-year old son Reese: Our father, who does art in heaven, Howard is his name….