/*
* Microsoft marketing algorithm.
*/
#include
#include
#include /* Microsoft Network Connectivity library */
#include /* For the court of law */
#define say(x) lie(x)
#define computeruser ALL_WHO_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE
#define next_year soon
#define the_product_is_ready_to_ship another_beta_version
void main()
{
if (latest_window_version > one_month_old)
{
if (there_are_still_bugs)
market(bugfix);
if (sales_drop_below_certain_point)
raise(RUMOURS_ABOUT_A_NEW_BUGLESS_VERSION);
}
while(everyone_chats_about_new_version)
{
make_false_promise(it_will_be_multitasking); /* Standard Call, in
lie.h */
if (rumours_grow_wilder)
make_false_promise(it_will_be_plug_n_play);
if (rumours_grow_even_wilder)
{
market_time=ripe;
say(It will be ready in one month);
order(programmers, stop_fixing_bugs_in_old_version);
order(programmers, start_brainstorm_about_new_version);
order(marketingstaff, permission_to_spread_nonsense);
vapourware = TRUE;
break;
}
}
switch (nasty_questions_of_the_worldpress)
{
case WHEN_WILL_IT_BE_READY:
say(It will be ready in, today + 30_days, were just
testing);
break;
case WILL_THIS_PLUG_AND_PLAY_THING_WORK:
say(Yes it will work);
ask(programmers, why_does_it_not_work);
pretend(there_is_no_problem);
break;
case WHAT_ARE_MINIMAL_HARDWARE_REQUIREMENTS:
say(It will run on a 8086 with lightning speed due to
the 32 bits architecture);
inform(INTEL, Pentium sales will rise skyhigh);
inform(SAMSUNG, Start a new memory chip plant
because all those customers will need at least 32 megs);
inform(QUANTUM, Thanks to our fatware your sales will triple);
get_big_bonus(INTEL, SAMSUNG, QUANTUM);
break;
case DOES_MICROSOFT_GET_TOO_MUCH_INFLUENCE:
say(Oh no, we are just here to make a better world for
everyone);
register(journalist, Big_Bill_Book);
when(time_is_ripe)
{
arrest(journalist);
brainwash(journalist);
when(journalist_says_windows95_is_bugfree)
{
order(journalist, write a nice objective article);
release (journalist);
}
}
break;
}
while (vapourware)
{
introduction_date++; /* Delay */
if (no_one_believes_anymore_there_will_be_a_release)
break;
say(It will be ready in, today + ONE_MONTH);
}
release(beta_version)
while (everyone_is_dumb_enough_to_buy_our_bugware)
{
bills_bank_account += 150 * megabucks;
release(new_and_even_better_beta_version);
introduce(more_memory_requirements);
if (customers_report_installation_problems)
{
say(that is a hardware problem, not a software problem);
if (smart_customer_says_but_you_promised_plug_and_play)
{
ignore(customer);
order(microsoft_intelligence_agency, Keep an eye on this guy);
}
}
if (there_is_another_company)
{
steal(their_ideas);
accuse(company, stealing_our_ideas);
hire(a_lot_of_lawyers); /* in process.h */
wait(until_other_company_cannot_afford_another_lawsuit);
buy_out(other_company);
}
}
/* Now everyone realizes that we sell bugware and they are all angry
at us */
order(plastic_surgeon, make_bill_look_like_poor_guy);
buy(nice_little_island);
hire(harem);
laugh_at(everyone,
for_having_the_patience_year_after_year_for_another_unfinished_version);
}
void bugfix(void)
{
charge(a_lot_of_money)
if (customer_says_he_does_not_want_to_pay_for_bugfix)
say(It is not a bugfix but a new version);
if (still_complaints)
{
ignore(customer);
register(customer, big_Bill_book);
/* Well get him when everyone uses Billware!! */
}
}
What happens when people of different occupations get old.
– Old musicians never die, they just get played out.
– Old number theorists never die, they just get past their prime.
– Old numerical analysts never die, they just get disarrayed.
– Old owls never die, they just dont give a hoot.
This lady walks into her psychiatrist one day and says:
Doctor, I just cant have an orgasm.
Do you masturbate?, he says.
No luck. is the reply.
How about cunnilingus?
Nope
Kick-start vibrator?
Wakes up the neighbors, but not me. she complains.
Hmm, looks like a problem. Wait here. the doctor says as he walks into the next room.
He walks out with a black velvet case and places it on his lap. Her eyes widen as he opens it, revealing its contents.
What is it, she gasps.
Its a VOODOO DICK, he proclaims, as he hoists the foot-long, meaty shaft from the case.
It is VERY powerful, but it can fulfill your every desire. Watch. VOODOO DICK,
hand! he commands.
The dick leaps across his lap into his open palm faster than the eye can see.
Ooooh, she sighs.
VOODOO DICK, box. The dick returns in a shot to its case.
You may take this, but you must promise NOT to abuse its power.
Certainly, of course, anything you say she sputters, the wetness in her mouth matched by the wetness in her panties.
So she takes the magic missile with her, thanking the good doctor and hurrying out to her car. But she cant wait to get home, so she prys the lid open on the seat next to her.
VOODOO DICK, hand! she commands. It flies eagerly into her hand. She is amazed by the size of this veiny tool, and quickly removes her underwear.
VOODOO DICK, pussy!
she screams, and it obliges. Burying itself inside her in an instant, she gasps with pleasure.
VOODOO DICK, fuck me. It begins to thrust in and
out.
VOODOO DICK, faster! It quickens the pace while the woman sits in sexual bliss. Unbelievable sensations course through her body.
VOODOO DICK, harder! It pounds away furiously as orgasms begin, one after the other. Soon the woman begins to tire, unaccustomed to this sort of satisfaction.
VOODOO DICK, stop. BUT IT WONT STOP
VOODOO DICK, stop now!, she yells. It continues its relentless assault.
Quit it, VOODOO DICK. That hurts It is oblivious to her desires. She finally manages to wrench it from her pussy and throw it out the window. Just as she gets the window rolled up, it is there against the glass, trying to get in.
She quickly starts the car and screeches away in terror. 60, 70, 80 mph. The VOODOO DICK hot on (and for) her tail. 90, 100. The woman starts to pull away as the dick fades away behind the last corner. Sirens blare.
The women is babbling senselessly as the officer approaches her car. You-you have to let me go. There is this-this thing – gotta go she yells.
Lady, you were doing 100 miles an hour. What the hell is your problem?
You dont under-understand. There is this VOODOO DICK following me. she sputters.
A WHAT?, the cop yells?
A magic VOODOO DICK. Its after me! she exclaims.
To which the cop replies, VOODOO DICK, my ass!
Birdie, birdie in the sky
Dropped some white stuff in my eye,
Im a big girl I wont cry,
Im just glad that cows dont fly.
de-caffinated
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some dont have film.
A red carnation!
Q: How many Canadians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Five. One to screw in the bulb and the other four to call out Get Back!, Get Back!.
Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of
physics.
Q: What do you call a smart blonde?
A1: A golden retriever.
A2: A labrador.
A3: An indicator of a really bad hangover