Old and New Jokes

A wedding occurred just outside Cavan in Ireland.

To keep tradition going, everyone gets extremely drunk and the brides and grooms families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the shit out of each other. The police get called in to break up the fight.

The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the courtroom until the judge finally brings calm with the use of his gavel, shouting, Silence in court!

The courtroom goes silent and Paddy, the best man, stands up and says,
Judge, I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened.

The judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the best man gets the first dance with the bride.

The judge says, OK.

Well, said Paddy, after I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song, when all of a sudden the groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the bride an unmerciful kick right between her legs.

Shocked, the judge instantly responded, God, that must have hurt!

Hurt? Paddy replies. He broke three of my fingers!

What a woman says: This place is a mess Cmon, you and I need to clean up.

Your stuff is lying on the floor, and youll have no clothes to wear, if we dont do laundry right now!

What a man hears: blah, blah, blah, blah,

Cmon blah, blah, blah, blah,

you and I blah, blah, blah, blah,

on the floor blah, blah, blah, blah,

no clothes blah, blah, blah, blah,

right now !

If youre feeling a bit stressed, try these to deal with it…

Dance naked in front of your pets.

Put your toddlers clothes on backwards and send them off to school as if nothing is wrong. (NOTE: this also works well with the hubby who stayed at the pub too long.)

Jam miniature marshmallows up your nose and sneeze them out. See how many you can do at once. (Always have a witness on hand, just in case you attempt the Guiness World Record)

Tattoo out to lunch on your forehead.

Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return it the next day.

Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like. (Hamster in the microwave works well too.)

Sit naked on a shelled hard boiled egg. (Dont knock it until you try it!)

Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages.

Make up a language and ask people for directions. (Works great at 7-11s!)

Replace the filling of a Twinkie with ketchup and place it back in the wrapper. (KIDS: make sure you make a nice note titled – For Daddy, I love you.)

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ NOTES and DISCLAIMERS:

If you are less than 18 years of age: always seek your parents aproval before attempting any of the above. (Exemption: If the hamster bites you again, nuke him till he glows!)

If you are 18 years of age or older and even think about doing any of these: proceed to the nearest telephone book directory. Look up clinical psychologist… drive directly to the first one that accepts walk-ins!

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Q: A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm. She

passes a person who asks, Where did you get that?

A: The pig says, I won her in a raffle!

A woman getting married for the fourth time visited a tailor to get a wedding dress made.

When the tailor inquired about the color, the bride-to-be said White.

The tailor was a bit suprised by this, and said, Excuse me, I dont mean to pry, but since white is the color traditionally worn by a virgin on her wedding night, I cant help wondering if you might still be a virgin? How could that be?

The woman replied, Im sorry to say, but thats the way it is. You see, my first husband was a psychologist. He just wanted to talk about it. My second husband was a gynecologist. He just wanted to look. My third husband was a stamp collector. God, I miss him…

Mommy, Mommy, I dont want to go to England!

Shut up, and keep swimming!

Mommy, Mommy, can I lick the bowl?

No, shut up and flush like everyone else!

Mommy, Mommy, why am I going round in circles?

Shut up, or Ill nail your other foot to the floor!

Mommy, Mommy, I hate daddys guts!

Shut up and eat, or you wont get dessert!

What is the difference between a lawyer and a sperm?

At least a sperm has a one in one million chance of becoming a human

being.

Lem: I got fired from my job as a bank guard.
Clem: Thats awful. What happened?

Lem: Well a thief came in to rob a bank. I drew my gun. I told him that if he took one more step, Id let him have it.

Clem: What did thief do then?

Lem: He took one more step so I let him have it. I didnt want that stupid gun anyhow!

High school/Jr. High

10 PRINT HELLO WORLD
20 END

First year in college

program Hello(input, output);
begin
writeln (Hello world);
end

Senior year in college

(defun hello
(print
(cons HELLO (list WORLD))))

New professional

#include
main (argc,argv)
int argc;
char **argv; {
printf (Hello World!
);
}

Seasoned pro

#include

const int MAXLEN = 80;

class outstring;
class outstring {
private:

int size;
char str[MAXLEN];

public:
outstring() { size=0; }
~outstring() {size=0;}
void print();
void assign(char *chrs);
};
void outstring::print() {
int i;
for (i=0 ; i< size ; i++)
cout . $outfilename) || die Cant write $arg:
$!
;
print (FILE $msg);
close(FILE) || die Cant close $arg: $!
;
}
} else {
print ($msg);
}
1;

Experienced Hacker

#include
#define S Hello, World

main(){exit(printf(S) == strlen(S) ? 0 : 1);}

Seasoned Hacker

% cc -o a.out ~/src/misc/hw/hw.c
% a.out

Guru Hacker

% cat
Hello, world.
^D

New Manager

10 PRINT HELLO WORLD
20 END

Middle Manager

mail -s Hello, world. bob@b12
Bob, could you please write me a program that prints Hello, world.?
I need it by tomorrow.
^D

Senior Manager

% zmail jim
I need a Hello, world. program by this afternoon.

Chief Executive

% letter
letter: Command not found.
% mail
To: ^X ^F ^C
% help mail
help: Command not found.
% damn!
!: Event unrecognized
% logout

Why is it hard for a ghost to tell a lie?

Because you can see right through him.