The inventor Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, Since youve been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven. Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, I want to hang out with God. St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. Arthur then asked God, Hey, arent you the inventor of woman? God said, Ah, yes, Well, said Arthur, professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention. 1. Theres too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4. The intake is placed way to close to the exhaust and finally,
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous. Hmmmm, you may have some good points there, replied God, hold on. God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it. Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed, God said to Arthur, but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours.
Last night, while grocery shopping, I found a rather unusual item on
the shelves. After filling my basket with Stouffers Yuppie Chow, I
strolled down the cereal aisle, where I saw several boxes of a substance
labeled Nintendo Cereal System. I suppose I shouldnt be surprised.
After all, cartoon characters have been endorsing cereals for years,
so why shouldnt Super Mario Brothers get into the act?
I see tremendous potential here. What better way for an organization
with a sociopolitical agenda to infiltrate the minds and stomachs of
Americans than to deliver its message at the breakfast table? I have
seen the future of public relations, and it is the gastronomic equivalent
of a sound bite. I, for one, would rather sit down to a bowl of
whale-shaped granola than receive another one of those envelopes from
Greenpeace marked, Animal Rights Survey Inside–Please Complete and
Return Within Ten Days.
Not surprisingly, I have a few ideas:
Golden Graham- |The key to a balanced diet. Need I say more?
Rudmans
Special KKK |Even white supremacists need their minimum daily
|requirement of riboflavin. Try it with some grits.
Sugar Frosted |The pro-choice cereal. Stays crunchy in milk (or
Fetuses |saline solution). Anti-abortionists will have to
|make do with a box of Life.
Mothers Against |Send in three proof-of-purchase seals and
Drunk Driving Oats |receive a free breathalyzer.
Rifle Krispies |Specially marked boxes contain armor-piercing
|bullets. Cereal doesnt kill people. People
|kill people.
Rocky Tobacco Road |Brought to you by the tobacco industry, this is
|the only cereal that simultaneously satisfies your
|cravings for chocolate and nicotine, so light up
|a bowl for breakfast. Also available in menthol.
Khokhomeini Puffs |Some third world marketeer could capitalize on this
|idea in the aftermath of the demise of everyones
|favorite mullah. Woe be to the infidels who fail
|to start their day with a bowl of little chocolate
|ayatollahs! Free Death to America decal inside!
In case youre wondering, I picked up a box of Product 19. As far
as I can tell, its the only cereal named after a prime number.
A blonde and a red head were walking along a path in a park. The red head turns to the blonde and says, poor thing look at the dog with one eye.
The blonde covers one of her eyes and says where?
Un médico, quitado de la pena, revisa unos libros de medicina, cuando entra a su consultorio un tipo alto y delgado.
¿En qué le puedo servir, buen hombre?, pregunta el galeno.
El hombre se quita el sombrero y, por la cabeza, le aparece una rana.
Pero, amigo, ¿cómo es posible eso?, pregunta, sorprendido, el doctor.
La rana contesta:
Pues, no sé, doctor, pero empezó con un barrito en la nalga.
A couple decided to Alaska for a romantic weekend. When they got to the cabin it was cold so the wife asked her husband to go chop some wood for that fire place. He came in after 5 minutes and told his wife that his hands were cold, so she said her put your hands between my thighs to warm them. So he did and went back outside to finish chopping wood. He came in after another 5 minutes and said honey my hands are cold again. So she tells him here put your hands between my thighs to warm them. So he did and then he went back out to chop some more wood. 5 minutes has passed and he went in again and said, Honey my hands are cold again. She then said, Damn how much longer until your ears get cold?
If you dont like the news, go out and make some.
A young man goes to pick up his date at her farm. Having eaten beans for lunch, he is afflicted with the gas. When he arrives, the gruff old man advises him that his date is not ready, and hell have to wait. He doesnt say much else. The young man attempts to strike up a conversation about the weather, the crops, the dog, etc., to no avail.
Soon, the young man has to fart. It occurs to him to go over and pet the dog, and let it out quietly, then the old guy will think the dog did it. Unfortunately, it makes a good braaaap.
The old man looks over and says Duuuuke! Delighted that his ploy has worked, the young man continues to hang out by the dog.
Pretty soon, another leaks out, and again the old man chides Duuuuke!. Now sure that he isnt going to be blamed for the flatulence, the next time, the young man rips out a wall-shaker.
At this, the old man glares over at them, and hollers Duke! Git away from that boy before he shits all over you!
Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work. The first one said, I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. Everything inside is numbered.
I think librarians are the easiest said the second surgeon when you open them up all their organs are alphabetically ordered
The third surgeon said, I prefer to operate on electricians, all their organs are color coded.
The fourth one shakes his head and says, I like to operate on lawyers. They are heartless, spineless, gutless, and their head and their ass are interchangeable!
A guy went to Tuscaloosa and picked up one of those new Mercedes. He was testing it out in the parking lot, turned on the radio and nothing happened. Furious, he demanded to see the plant manager, and told him, When I buy a $80,000 car I expect the damn radio to work.
The plant manager explained to him that the radio had been programmed to his voice and all he had to do was tell the radio what he wanted to hear. Pretty neat stuff.
He got back into the car and said Country music, and Willie Nelson started singing. Rock and roll, he exclaimed, and immediately Elvis started crooning. Easy listening, he remarked, and all at once it sounded like he was in an elevator.
Finally relaxed, driving up I-59 to Birmingham and listening to smooth sounds. Then a red car with jammed with young girls almost ran him off the road. STUPID BITCHES! he screamed. Immediately the Spice Girls started singing.
Lermans Law of Technology: Any technical problem can be overcome given enough time and money. Corollary: You are never given enough time or money.
Murphys First Law for Wives: If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and then you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget two of the first five.
Law of the Search: The first place to look for anything is the last place you would expect to find it. Corollary: It will not be in the last place you expect to find it.
Kauffmans Paradox of the Corporation: The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.
The Salary Axiom: The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay.
Millers Law of Insurance: Insurance covers everything except what happens.
First Law of Living: As soon as you start doing what you always wanted to be doing, youll want to be doing something else.
Weiners Law of Libraries: There are no answers, only cross-references.
Isaacs Strange Rule of Staleness: Any food that starts out hard will soften when stale. Any food that starts out soft will harden when stale.
Kennys Law of Auto Repair: The part requiring the most consistent repair or replacement will be housed in the most inaccessible location.
Second Law of Business Meetings: If there are two possible ways to spell a persons name, you will pick the wrong one. Corollary – If there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it wrong anyway.
The Grocery Bag Law: The candy bar you planned to eat on the way home from the market is hidden at the bottom of the grocery bag.
Yeagers Law: Washing machines break down only during the wash cycle. Corollary: All breakdowns occur on the plumbers day off.
Lampners Law of Employment: When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed. When you leave work early, you will meet the boss in the parking lot.
Quiles Consultation Law: The job that pays the most will be offered when there is no time to deliver the services.
Loftus Law: Some people manage by the book, even though they dont know who wrote the book or even which book it is.
Lovkas Dilemma: You never get away, you only get someplace else.