Old and New Jokes

Our lager,

Which art in barrels,

Hallowed be thy drink.

Thy will be drunk,

I will be drunk,

At home as it is in the tavern.

Give us this day our foamy head,

And forgive us our spillages,

As we forgive those who spill against us.

And lead us not to incarceration,

But deliver us from hangovers.

For thine is the beer, The bitter, The lager.

A rather inhibited engineer finallysplurged on a luxury cruise to the Caribbean. It was the “craziest” thing he had ever donein his life. Just as he was beginning to enjoy himself, a hurricane roared upon the hugeship, capsizing it like a childs toy. Somehow the engineer, desperately hanging on to alife preserver, managed to wash ashore on a secluded island.

Outside of beautiful scenery, aspring-fed pool, bananas and coconuts, there was little else. He lost all hope and forhours on end and sat under the same palm tree. One day, after several months had passed, agorgeous woman in a small rowboat appeared.

“Im from the other side of the island,” she said. “Were you on the cruise ship, too?”

“Yes, I was,” he answered. “But where did you get that rowboat?”

“Well, I whittled the oars from gum tree branches, wove the reinforced gunnel from palm branches, and made the keel and stern from a Eucalyptus tree.”

“But, what did you use for tools?” asked the man, amazed.

“There was a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed on the south side of the island. I discovered that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. Anyhow, thatshow I got the tools. But, enough of that,” she said. “Where have you been living all thistime? I dont see any shelter.”

“To be honest, Ive just been sleepingon the beach,” he said.

“Would you like to come to my place?”the woman asked. The engineer nodded dumbly. She expertly rowed them around to her side ofthe island, and tied up the boat with a handsome strand of hand-woven hemp topped with aneat back splice. They walked up a winding stone walk she had laid and around a Palm tree.There stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

“Its not much, but I call it home.”Inside, she said, “Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?”

“No, thanks,” said the man. “One morecoconut juice and Ill throw up!”

“It wont be coconut juice,” the womanreplied. “I have a crude still out back, so we can have authentic Pina Coladas.”

Trying to hide his amazement, the manaccepted the drink, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchangedstories, the woman asked, “Tell me, have you always had a beard?”

“No,” the man replied, “I was cleanshaven all of my life until I ended up on this island.”

“Well if youd like to shave, theres arazor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet.”

The man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bathroom and shaved with an intricate bone-and-shell device honed razor sharp. Next he showered — not even attempting to fathom a guess as to how she managed to get warm water into the bathroom — and went back downstairs. He couldnt help but admire the masterfully carved banister as he walked.

“You look great,” said the woman. “I think Ill go up and slip into something more comfortable.”

As she did, the man continued to sip his Pina Colada. After a short time, the woman, smelling faintly of gardenias, returned wearing a revealing gown fashioned out of pounded palm fronds.

“Tell me,” she asked, “Weve both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I mean. Havent you been lonely, too… isnt there something that you really, really miss? Something that all men and woman need? Something that would be really nice to have right now…?”

“Yes there is,” the man replied, shucking off his shyness. “There is something Ive wanted to do for so long. But on this island all alone, it was just… well, it was impossible.”

“Well, its not impossible, anymore,” the woman said.

The man, practically panting in excitement, said breathlessly: “You mean… you actually figured out some way we can CHECK OUR EMAIL HERE?!”

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her.
They tried it again and sure enough there was definite movement. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma.
The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that theyd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wifes room.
After a few minutes the womans monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. What happened!? they cried. The husband said, Im not sure – I think maybe she choked.

George W. Bush was passing through an airplane terminal and he noticed an old man in a long white robe, with a long white beard, long white hair and carrying two stone tablets in his arms. He approached the man and asked reverently, "Arent you Moses?" But the man wouldnt listen to him and continued walking. George asked him again, Arent you Moses? The old man continued ignoring him, even turning his back on little Bush. George grabs the mans arm, looks him right in the eye and insists, "Answer me — Arent you Moses?" The man replies, "Im not saying a thing! The last time I spoke to a Bush I ended up roaming the desert for 40 years!"

its 2 biggest stars

Two priests were going toHawaii on vacation and decided that they would make this a real vacation by not wearinganything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed, theyheaded for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.The next morning, they wentto the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb and were sitting on beach chairs,enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a gorgeous blonde in a tiny bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldnt help butstare and when she passed them, smiled and said, "Good morning Father,""Good morning Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, thenpassed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she recognize them as priests? The next day theywent back to the store, bought even more outrageous outfits — so loud, youcould hear them before you even saw them — and again settled on the beach in their chairsto enjoy the sunshine.After a while, the samegorgeous bikini-ed blonde came walking toward them again. (Theywere glad they had sunglasses, because their eyes were about to pop out of their heads.) Again, she approached them and greeted them individually: "Good morning,Father," "Good morning Father," and started to walk away.One of the priests couldntstand it and said, "Just a minute young lady. Yes, we are priests, andproud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did YOU know?""Oh Father, dont yourecognize me? Im Sister Angelica."

1. you grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
2. you sleep with your eyes open.
3. you have to watch videos in fast-foward.
4. the only time youre standing still is during an earthquake.
5. you can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without the timer.
6. youve worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
7. your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
8. you chew on other peoples fingernails.
9. the nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
10. you can type sixty words a minute with your feet.
11. you can jump-start your car without cables.
12. you dont sweat, you percolate.
13. you walk twenty miles on your tread mill before you realize its not plugged in.
14. you forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
15. youve built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
16. instant coffee takes too long.
17. you channel surf faster without a remote.
18. you have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
19. you short out motion detectors.
20. you dont even wait for the water to boil anymore.
21. you help your dog chase its tail.
22. you soak your dentures in coffee.
23. your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee and an IV hook-up.
24. you get a speeding ticket even when youre parked.
25. you answer the door before people knock.

Moses, Jesus, and another guy were out playing golf one day. Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. It landed in the fairway but rolled directly toward a water trap. Quickly Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the other side safe and sound.



Next, Jesus strolls up to the tee and hits a nice long one directly toward the same water trap. It landed directly in the center of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped it up onto the green.



The third guy gets up and sort of randomly whacks the ball. It heads out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounces off a truck and hits a nearby tree. From there, it bounces onto the roof of a nearby shack and rolls down into the gutter, down the downspout, out onto the fairway and right toward the aforementioned pond.



On the way to the pond, it hits a little stone and bounces out over the water and onto a lily pad where it rested quietly. Suddenly, a very large bullfrog jumped up on the lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth.



Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball which bounced right into the hole for a beautiful hole in one.



Moses then turned to Jesus and said, I hate playing with your Dad.

Q: How many publishers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to screw it in. Two to hold down the author.

Q: How many NHS hospital staff does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Six. One to diagnose the problem, one to take an X-ray, one to wheel in the replacement on a trolley, one to apply an anaesthetic, one to do the delicate operation, and one to examine the late bulb in a post-mortem.