Old and New Jokes

A man was speeding down a Alabama highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.

The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, Officer, I know I was speeding, but I dont think its fair – there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?

Ever go a fishin? the policeman suddenly asked the man.

Ummm, yeah… the startled man replied.

The officer grinned and added, Did you ever catch em all?

Some Guinness was spilled on the bar room floor as the pub was closed for the night. Out from his hole crept a wee brown mouse and stood in the pale moonlight. He lapped up the frothy brew from the floor and back on his haunches he sat. And all night long you could hear him roar Bring on the God damn cat!!!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Johann!
Johann who!
Johann a beautiful smile!

Conways Law: In any organization, there will always be one person who knows whats going on; this person must be fired. Corollaries: 1. Nobody whom you ask for help will see it. 2. The first person who stops by, whose advice you really dont want to hear, will see it immediately.

A man and his pet giraffe walk into a bar and start having a few quiet drinks. As the night goes on, they get pretty drunk. The giraffe finally passes out near the pool tables, and the man decides to go home.
As the man is leaving, hes approached by the barman who says, Hey, youre not gonna leave that lyin here, are ya?

Hmph, says the man, thats not a lion, its a giraffe.

A lady and her dog were enjoying a stroll in the park when her dog was mounted from behind by a large Rottweiler. The Rottweiler was really humping away and the lady was frantically trying to break them up, to no avail.A small boy walked up and stuck his finger in the Rottweilers butt, and the dog leapt in the air and the action stopped immediately.The lady was amazed. How did you do that? she asked.The little boy said, Thats my dog! He can dish it out, but he cant take it!

A teenage boy and his grandfather go fishing one day. While fishing, the old man starts talking about how times have changed. The young man picks up on this and starts talking about the various problems and diseases going around.

Teen says, Grandpa, they didnt have a whole lot of problems with all these diseases when you were young did they?

Grandpa replies, Nope. Teen says, Well, what did you guys use for safe sex? Grandpa replies, A wedding ring.

What did the blonde say when she opened a box of cheerios?

Oh! Look!! Doughnut seeds!!!

A man gets sent to hell, which is made up of three rooms. He gets to choose the room in which he wants to spend eternity in.

Room 1: when he opens the door he sees that it has four walls of concrete and a concrete floor, and all its occupents are hung by their toes.

Room 2: when he opens the door he sees a room with brick walls and a brick floor, and all of its occupants are standing on their heads.

Room 3: when he opens the door he sees a room filled knee high in shit, and all of its occupants are standing around smoking cigarettes.

He reviews his options and decides to go with room 3. He figures he would rather be standing and the smoke would eventually cover up the scent. So he tells the devil that he wants room three.

So he gets put into the room and lights up his first cigarette. About halfway through, a man opens the door and says…

Break time is over. Everyone back on your heads

A priest was hearing confessions one afternoon when a man entered and confessed: Bless me, Father for I have sinned. I slept with Pussy Green.

The priest gave him absolution and told him his pennance and the man went away. The next man entered the confessional and said: Bless me father for I have sinned, I slept with Pussy Green.

The priest thought about this coincidence, dismissed it, and gave the man his absolution and pennance.

However, over the course of the afternoon, 10 men confessed to sleeping with Pussy Green. This was very perplexing to the priest. As he was closing up the church later in the afternoon with the help of an alter boy, the priest noticed a woman walking down the church isle.

This woman was all decked out in green – green hat, green boots, green dress, green hand-bag.

The priest turned and asked to alterboy, Is that Pussy Green?

The alterboy looked and replied, I dont think so, Father, I think it is just a reflection off her boots.