Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
01
Nov
01
Nov
Some Thoughts…
If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can get going without pep pills,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
If you can overlook it when those you love take it out on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can ignore a friends limited education and never correct him,
If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
If you can say honestly that deep in your heart you have no prejudice against creed, color, religion or politics….
Then, my friend, you are almost as good as your dog.
01
Nov
The 14 Commandments of the Religious Left (in no particular order):
- Thou shalt have no other God except thyself, after all, its thy self-esteem that counts. If thou doth not love thyself, who will?
- Thou shalt not make any gravn image out of any substances which cannot be recycled.
- Thou shalt not take the name of liberals in criticism, including feminists, racial minorities, or any person who thinks he is a victim of America.
- Remember the anniversaries of {Roe v. Wade} and Anita Hills testimony before the Senate Judiciary Committee, and keep them holy.
- Honor thy mother. If shes dysfunctional, its thy fathers fault.
- Thou shalt not kill. With these exceptions: life forms under the second trimester, and those opting for medically assisted suicides.
- Thou shalt not commit adultery. Unless thou aspirest to high political office, weareth a condom, or cannot help it.
- Thou shalt not steal. Unless thou art disadvantaged or upset with a [California] jury verdict.
- Thou shalt not bear false witness. Unless thou are discussing the history of the 1980s, art campaigning, or can afford good legal counsel in the event thou art discovered.
- Thou shalt not covet. Unless thou art the victim of gender-related oppression or institutional racism, or art still angy with Reagans tax cuts.
- Always hide the real truth about thyself.
- Never admit who or what thou really art when campaigning for office.
- Always blame someone else for what thou art – even so far as to blame the entire society.
- Thou shalt oppose all punishment – except when conservative Republicans or religious right people criticise thee.
01
Nov
What do you call 32 hillbillies standing in line?
A full set of teeth!
01
Nov
stick it in a blender
31
Oct
This guy runs into a bar and shouts Quick, how tall is a penguin??
The bartender looks stunned.
An empire penguin can be about this tall he says, gesturing.
So the guy says, Oh no, I just ran over two nuns!
31
Oct
Tres amigos hablaban acerca de cuales consideraban las mejores posiciones durante el sexo:
¡El 69, ni hablar! dice uno.
A mi me fascina la del misionero dice el otro.
¡No hay nada mejor que la del rodeo! comenta el tercero.
Los otros dos amigos se miran con cara de asombro, y rápido le preguntan en que consiste esa posición. El hombre les explica:
Bueno, le dices a tu mujer que se ponga en cuatro patas y empiezas por detrás; una vez que las cosas se pongan bien calientes, apoyas tu pecho sobre su espalda, la abrazas fuertemente, y con delicadeza le susurras al oÃdo: esta posición le fascina a mi secretaria… e intentas mantenerte encima de ella por más de ocho segundos.
31
Oct
Little Johnny wakes up and comes down to breakfast. Since he lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores.
Not yet, replied little Johnny.
His mother tells him he cant have any breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, now hes a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.
He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow.
He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
How come I dont get any eggs and bacon? Why dont I have any milk in my cereal? he asks.
Well, his mother says, I saw you kick a chicken, so you dont get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you dont get any bacon, either.
I also saw you kick the cow, so you arent getting any milk this morning.
Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the cat as hes walking into the kitchen.
Little Johnny looks up at his mother with a smile, and says…
Are you going to tell him, or should I?
31
Oct
While away at a convention, an executive happened to meet a young woman who was pretty and intelligent. When he persuaded her to disrobe in his hotel room, he found out she had a superb body as well. Unfortunately, the executive found himself unable to perform.
On his first night home, the executive walked from the shower into the bedroom to find his wife covered in a rumpled bathrobe, her hair curled, her face creamed, munching candy loudly while she pored through a movie magazine.
Then, without warning, he felt the onset of a magnificent erection.
Looking down at this, he snarled, Why you ungrateful, mixed-up son of a bitch. Now I know why they call you a prick!
31
Oct
Carlsons Consolation: Nothing is ever a complete failure; it can always serve as a bad example.