Old and New Jokes

SIN DISCRIMINACIÓN RACIAL PERO…

Blanco con uniforme = coronel

Negro con uniforme = maletero

Blanco con pistola = precavido

Negro con pistola = asaltante

Blanco subiendo una montaña = alpinista

Negro subiendo una montaña = prófugo

Blanco con maletín = ejecutivo

Negro con maletín = traficante

Blanco con chofer = millonario

Negro con chofer = preso

Blanco que come mucho = bien alimentado

Negro que come mucho = muerto de hambre

Blanco leyendo el diario = intelectual

Negro leyendo el diario = buscando trabajo

Blanco rascándose = alérgico

Negro rascándose = sarnoso

Blanco corriendo = deportista

Negro corriendo = carterista

Blanco que pega a su esposa = mal marido

Negro que pega a su esposa = mal parido

Blanco vestido de blanco = doctor

Negro vestido de blanco = heladero

Blanco con alas = ángel

Negro con alas = gárgola

Blanco en prostíbulo = buscando placer

Negro en prostíbulo = buscando a su esposa

Blanco con novia menor = exquisito

Negro con novia menor = degenerado y violador

I have a small mind-and Im prepared to use it!

Feminists are OK, I just wouldnt want my sister to marry one.

A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing
ingredients you forgot to buy, in utensils you dont
own, to make a dish the dog wont eat the rest of.

Q: What do you get when something gets caught in your Zippo?

A: Zippo Marx.

A bulldozer.

A young blonde was onvacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in theworst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.After becoming veryfrustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blondeshouted, "Maybe Ill just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair ofshoes at a reasonable price!"The shopkeeper said,"By all means, be my guest. Maybe youll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself analligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly towardher. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to theswamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isnt wearing any shoes either!"

(Forwarded by a mate in the UK)

A mother had three daughters. She asked all three of them to make sure they wrote home after their weddings and tell her about married life.

The first daughter wrote back on the second day after her marriage. The letter arrived with a single message, Maxwell House Coffee.

Mother was confused but finally noticed an advertisement for Maxwell House Coffee. The advertisement said Satisfaction to the Last Drop. So, Mother was happy.

Then the second daughter got married and after a week she sent home her reply. The message simply read Rothmans.

So the Mother looked for an advertisement for Rothmans. She found one, and it read KING SIZE. Mother was happy.

Then it was the third daughters wedding. Mother was anxious because this time it took four weeks for a message to arrive. When it did the message was simply British Airways.

Mother was concerned. She frantically went through all the newspapers looking for an advertisement for British Airways. Finally, she found one and immediately fainted.

The advertisement said: Two times a day, seven days a week, both ways.

Q: Who should Clinton have used to overthrow Haitis military?
A: John Elway.

A man goes to the doctor and gets a check up.

The doctor finishes the exam and tells the man, I have some bad news, you only have about two weeks left to live.

The man is shocked. He asks the doctor, Is there is any thing that he could do to make the time that I have left more tolerable?

The doctor thinks for a moment. There is one thing that you could do.

Just name it, Ill do whatever it is. He tells the man to take a lot of mud baths, two or three a day.

The man looks at his doctor asks, Will that help my condition?

The doctor says, No, but it will get you used to the dirt!