Entra Pepito al baño de improviso, y el papá en la regadera se tapa el sexo con las manos. Entonces, Pepito le pregunta: ¿Qué tienes ahà papi?
El papá, nervioso, le contesta: Un ratón Pepito, un ratón.
Y Pepito, nada bruto: ¿Te lo estás cogiendo verdad?
A guy goes over to his friends house, rings the bell, and the wife answers.
Hi, is Tony home?
No, he went to the store.
Well, you mind if I wait?
No, come in.
They sit down and the friend says, You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. Id give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one.
Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell – a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.
They sit there a while longer and Chris says, They are so beautiful Ive got to see the both of them. Ill give you
another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together.
Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he cant wait
any longer and leaves.
A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says, You know, your weird friend Chris came over.
Tony thinks about this for a second and says Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?
G: Nobody gets the girl.
PG: The Good Guy Gets The Girl.
R: The Bad Guy Gets The Girl.
X: Everybody Gets The Girl.
XXX: Everybody gets the girl, her mother, and their cock-er spaniel.
As many of you can attest, I dont feel my day is complete unless I offend as many ultra conservative politically right wing religious zealots as I can.
Accordingly, I have attached a picture frame device to the rear window of my truck.
It holds an 8-1/2 x 11 bumper sticker I print out in 100-point type on my laser printer.
Here are some of the ones Ive used so far that really seem to annoy our local rednecks:
Numbers 1,3 and 8 seem to get the most reaction when I pull into the post office parking lot to pick up the daily box mail.
Most people I encounter, surprisingly, agree with the sentiments in bumper sticker 8.
(One of my uncles told me this one recently.)
[Ed: Submitter sent this in rot13, but it doesnt meet my criteria]
A middle aged businessman goes to see his physician.
Doctor, Ive got this problem, the man says. My secretary, she
loves to give blow jobs. Every morning when I get to work I get a
blow job. She gives me a quick one before I leave for lunch.
And before I leave work at the end of the day she really works
me over.
So what seems to be the problem? the doctor asked.
Well, you see, my wife is a nymphomaniac, the man continued.
I service her every morning when we get up. I go home for
a quick half hour every day at lunch and then we have a
marathon session each night before we go to sleep.
I still dont know what your problem is, said the doctor.
You see Doc, every time I masturbate I get these dizzy spells.
———————- BLOOD IS THICKER THAN WATER AND TASTIER, TOO. ———————- FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION! It comes bundled with the software. ———————- I want to die while asleep like my Grandfather, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car. ———————– I cant dial
911. Theres no 11 on my phone. ———————— Kentucky: Five Million People, Fifteen Last Names. ———————– JESUS LOVES YOU. Its everybody else that thinks youre an ass. ———————– I married Miss Right. I just didnt know her first name was, Always. ———————– What is a free gift? Arent all gifts free? ———————— Can you yell MOVIE! in a crowded firestation? ———————— Its hard to make a comeback when you havent been anywhere. ———————— If ignorance is bliss, why arent more people happy? ———————— 1955 – 1975: 36 Elvis Movies. 1975 – 1998: Nothing. ————————- I didnt fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian. ———————- When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS. ———————- Dont get married. Find someone you hate and buy them a house. ———————– Be nice to your kids. Theyll choose your nursing home. ———————— I havent spoken to my wife in 18 months. I dont like to interrupt her. ———————– Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes. ———————– Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. Or, dirty martini holder. ———————– A closed mouth gathers no foot. ———————– The trouble with life is theres no background music. ———————– THE BILL OF RIGHTS… (Void where prohibited by law) ———————– If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN. ———————– The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75% of the population. ————————- First draw the curve, then plot the data. ————————- A FOOL AND HIS MONEY can throw one hell of a party. ———————– IF THERE IS NO GOD, WHO POPS UP THE NEXT KLEENEX? ———————– When blondes have more fun do they know it? ———————– REMEMBER, HALF THE PEOPLE IN THE WORLD ARE BELOW AVERAGE. ———————– What happens if you get scared half to death twice? ———————– WHERE THERES SMOKE, THERES DINNER. ———————– OTHER THAN THAT, MRS.. LINCOLN, HOW WAS THE PLAY? ———————– Losing a wife can be hard. In my case it was almost impossible. ———————–
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Amy!
Amy who?
Amy fraid Ive forgotten!
Why does a doberman lick his balls?
To get the taste of [ethnic] out of his mouth.
People look at you kind of funny when you walk down
the street naked with a gun.
Why doesnt Santa have any children?
Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, its down the chimney.