Old and New Jokes

Theyre gonna be called Danglers.

For all you guys out therewho just cant figure it out, here it is: In the world of romance, one single ruleapplies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something shedislikes and points are subtracted. You dont get any points for doing something sheexpects…Sorry, thats the way the game is played. Here is a guide to thepoint system. Simple Duties: You make the bed..+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pllows..0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets..-1
You leave the toilet seat up..-5
You leave the toilet lid down..-10 after the lights are out..-30
You replace the toilet-paper roll when its empty..0
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex..-1
When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom..-2
You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings..+5
But return with beer ..-5
You check out a suspicious noise at night …0
You check out a suspicious noise and its nothing..0
You check out a suspicious noise and its something..+5
You pummel it with a six iron..+10
Its her father..-10 Social Engagements: You stay by her side the entire party..0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy..-2
Named Tiffany..-4
Tiffany is a dancer..-6
Tiffany has implants..-8 Her Birthday: You take her out to dinner..0
You take her out to dinner and its not a sports bar ……+1
Okay, it is a sports bar..-2
And its all-you-can-eat night..-3
Its a sports bar, its all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team..-10 A Night Out With The Boys: Go out with a pal ..-5
And the pal is happily married ..-4
Or frighteningly single ..-7
And he drives a Mustang..-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED) ..-15 A Night Out: You take her to a movie..+2
You take her to a movie she likes..+4
You take her to a movie you hate..+6
You take her to a movie you like..-2
Its called DeathCop 3..-3
Which features cyborgs having sex..-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans ………-15 Your Physique: You develop a noticeable potbelly..-15
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it….+10
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts ..-30
You say "I dont give a damn because you have one too"…-800 The Big Question: She asks, "Do I look fat?" ..-5
You hesitate in responding..-10
You reply, "Where?"..-35 Communication: When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression ..0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes..+5
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV..+10
She realizes this is because youve fallen asleep..-20

US had succeded in Mission Apollo 11 and it was great time as people around the world was watching for the great historic event Live over TV. The built in camera of the ship was focussiing the terrain of the moon and man was about to step on place where nobody has ever done before.

Neil had steeped on the moon and had just finished saying whatever came to his mind and was exited to be the first man on moon but just then he spotted two shaks not far from him and curiously wanted to explore it as this could be another great moment for him, he jumped and hopped to the shaks to find two Indian shops written on them was Gill Spare Parts & Tambi cutting center.

Q. What is Roseanne Barrs favorite sex toy?
A. Ben – Wa basketballs.

El presidente de un país latinoamericano reúne a todo el mundo en el Palacio de Gobierno, prensa y medios de comunicación incluídos, para anunciar algo importante. Entonces llega y dice:

Compatriotas, les tengo 2 noticias, una buena y una mala.

Entonces todo el mundo: ¿Cual es la buena?

La buena es que ya pagamos la deuda externa con Estados Unidos.

¿Y la mala?

¡Pues que tenemos quince dias para desocupar el pais!

Yo, el pene, pido aumento de salario por las siguientes razones:

· Ejecuto trabajo físico

· Trabajo a grandes profundidades

· Trabajo de cabeza

· No gozo de descanso semanal ni días feriados

· Trabajo en un local extremadamente húmedo

· No me pagan horas extras ni nocturnidad

· Trabajo en un local oscuro y sin ventilación

· Trabajo a altas temperaturas

· Trabajo expuesto a enfermedades contagiosas

RESPUESTA DE LA ADMINISTRACIÓN

Después de lo planteado por el solicitante y considerando los argumentos expuestos, la administración rechaza las exigencias del mismo por las siguientes razones:

· No trabaja ocho horas consecutivas

· Se duerme en el puesto de trabajo después de una corta actividad laboral

· No siempre responde a las exigencias de la jefatura

· No siempre es fiel a su puesto de trabajo, se mete en otros departamentos

· Descansa mucho antes de tiempo

· No tiene iniciativa

· Para que trabaje hay que estimularlo y presionarlo

· Descuida la limpieza y el orden del local al terminar la jornada de trabajo

· No siempre cumple con las reglas de uso de los medios de protección e higiene del trabajo

· No espera a la jubilación para retirarse

· No le gusta doblar turnos

· A veces se retira de su puesto de trabajo cuando aun tiene faena pendiente

· Y por si fuera poco, se le ve entrar y salir constantemente del puesto de trabajo con dos bolsas sospechosas.

The Rabbi rose with a red face…Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the K.K.K.



This is a horrible lie and one which a Jewish community cannot tolerate! I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and our Jewish community.



No one moved.



The Rabbi continued, Do you not have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel relief. Now stand and confess your transgression!



Again all was quiet. Slowly a drop dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would not stop rose in the third pew. Her head was bowed, and her voice quivered as she spoke.



Rabbi, there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Klu Klux Klan… I just told a couple of friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, You know, I dont know what else to do. Whenever I go home after weve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway, I shut off the engine and coast into the garage, I take myshoesoff before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom, I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late.

His buddy looks at him and says, Well, youre obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wifes ass and say, How about a little? and she pretends that shes asleep.

A man and a woman are in a supermarket. They are standing in front of the water aisle.

The man wonders aloud, Who would buy all this expensive Evian water anyway?



The woman says, Evian… Its naive spelled backwards.

A: Because if they lived near the bay, they would be called bagels.