Old and New Jokes

Two smart fellows were in a pub. They called the pubs owner over and asked him to settle an argument.



Are there two pints in a quart or four?, asked one.



There be two pints in a quart, confirmed the owner.



They moved back along the bar and soon the barmaid asked for their order.



Two pints please, miss, and they are on the house.



The barmaid doubted that her boss would be so generous so one of the fellows called out to the owner at the other end of the bar, You did say two pints, didnt you?



Thats right, he called back, Two pints.

They dont hardly make em like him any more – but just to



be on the safe side, he should be castrated anyway.

Yo mama so fat that when she wore high heels, she struck oil.

The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the
other day that he wasnt getting any respect. Later
that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought
a small sign that read:

Im the Boss!He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he
found that someone had taped a note to the sign
that said: Your wife called, she wants her sign back!

1. Leave the copy machine set to 99 copies, reduce 200%, extra dark, 17-inch paper.

2. In the memo field of all your checks write for sensual massage.

3. Specify that your drive-through order is to go.

4. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions to keep them tuned up.

5. Reply to everything someone says with thats what YOU think.

6. Finish all your sentences with the words in accordance with prophecy.

7. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

8. Staple papers in the middle of the page.

9. Ask people what gender they are.

10. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

A visit to a physiotherapist can result in more discomfort than you started out with, at least temporarily. However, a Cairns bloke reckons hes found the key to the problem.

He was told to lie on the couch while the physio manipulated his limbs. The physio urged him to sing out if he felt any pain during the procedure and he would stop.

He (the physio) told him (the patient) to turn on his side, then grabbed him firmly by the arm and started to apply pressure.

Aaargh! shrieked the bloke almost immediately.

Is it hurting already? asked the startled and somewhat concerned physio.

Yes, gasped the grimacing patient. Im lying on my car keys!

A mom writing her Aggie son:

Dear son,

Im writing this slow cause I know you cant read fast. We dont live where
we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen
within twenty miles of the home so we moved. Our new place has a washing
machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, I pulled the chain and havent
seen them since. It only rained twice this week. Three days the first time and
four days the second time. The coat you wanted me to send to you your aunt Sue
said it would be a little heavy to send in the mail with them big heavy buttons
so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got a bill from the funeral
home; said IF WE DIDNT MAKE THE LAST PAYMENT ON GRANDMAS FUNERAL BILL UP SHE
COMES !!! Your uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to pull him
out but he fought them off playfully and he drowned. We cremated him, he burned
for three days. Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was
driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out he rolled down
the window and swam to safety. The other two drowned they couldnt get the
tailgate down. Not much more news this time. Nothing much has happened. Write
more later.

Love, Mom

P.S., I was going to send some money but already had this sealed.

There was this little kid and he was watching his mother put on makeup. She messed up and said shit. The little boy asked his mother what does shit mean? She told him it was another word for makeup.


So then he went into his teenage sister Tinas room and she was talking on the phone about condoms. The little boy asked her what a condom was and she told him its another word for clothes.


The little boy then went into the kitchen where is father was cutting a chicken. His father cut himself and said fuck. The little boy asked what fuck meant and his father told him it was another word for cutting.


The dorrbell rang and the little boy answered the door. It was his grandmother and she asked where everyone was. The little boy said Mommy is upstairs putting shit on her face,Tina is putting condoms on, and daddy is fucking the chicken.

A rather attractive woman goes up to the cash register in a restaurant. She gestures alluringly to a large man who comes over immediately.

When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his cheek, which is slowly turning a crimson red.

Are you the owner? she asks, now softly stroking his face with both hands.

Actually, no he replies. Im just the manager.

Can you get him for me? – I need to speak to him. she asks, running her hands up beyond his ears and into his hair.

Im afraid I cant, breathes the manager – clearly aroused, hes in the back doing some work right now. Is there anything I can do?

Yes there is. I need you to give him a message. she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

Tell him she says – that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Foster!
Foster who?
Foster than a speeding bullet!