Have you heard
of the NO-CARB Diet for 2004?
NO C-heney
NO A-shcroft
NO R-umsfeld
NO B-ush
and absolutely NO RICE!
13
Dec
13
Dec
Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers. So, he said, I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe.
Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably.
You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Campos, gave me $10,000. The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to Leon.
Now then, Im returning $5,000, and were going to decide this case solely on its merits.
13
Dec
Little Tommys parents had tried everything to help his math grade:
tutors, flash cards, Hooked on Math, special learning centers,
everything. Finally, they enrolled him in the local Catholic school.
The very first day, he came home with a very serious look on his face,
went straight to his room, and started studying. His mother was
amazed. Books and paper were spread out everywhere and Little Tommy
was hard at work. As soon as dinner was through, he marched right back
up to his room without a word and studied some more.
This went on for weeks until Little Tommy proudly brought home his
report card and showed it to his parents: An A in Math!
Tommy! This is great! Im so proud of you! Son, what was it? What
helped motivate you? Was it the nuns?
Little Tommy shook his head.
Well, then, was it the books? The discipline? The structure? The
uniforms? What?
Little Tommy looked at her and said, Well, Mom, its like this. When
I saw that guy out in the lobby nailed to a plus sign, I knew they
werent screwing around!
12
Dec
How careers end…
Students are degraded.
Electricians are refused.
Bodybuilders are rebuffed.
Underwear models are debriefed
12
Dec
Dictionary of Evaluation Comments
Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out.
APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC: Finds someone else to do the job.
A KEEN ANALYST: Thoroughly confused.
NOT A DESK PERSON: Did not go to college.
12
Dec
Un avión se pega tal trompazo que por allà no aparece ni la caja negra. Milagrosamente, entre los restos del aparato encuentran a un orangután algo atontado, pero vivito y coleando.
Como no se puede hacer otra cosa, con ayuda de un intérprete de simiesqués, los expertos se ponen a interrogarle:
¿Y qué hacÃa durante el accidente el piloto?
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ….
¿Y el copiloto? ¿Y las azafatas?
ÑACA, ÑACA, ÑACA…
Y tú, ¿qué hacÃas mientras?
Y el mono, extendiendo ambos brazos al frente contesta:
BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR…
12
Dec
Va un tipo al hospital a visitar a su compadre que se encontraba convaleciente.
¿Qué le pasó compadre?
Mire, (enseñándole una rajada en la cabeza) ve esto compadre, pues fue hecho con un cuerno de jirafa.
El amigo se queda asombrado.
Mire, (mostrándole un moretón en el estómago) ve esto compadre, pues fue una patada de caballo salvaje.
El camarada no sale de su asombro.
Mire, (señalando un orificio en la parte superior de la espalda) ve esto compadre, fue un cuerno de rinoceronte.
El otro compadre no resiste la curiosidad e intrigado cuestiona:
¿Pos donde andaba compadre? ¿En un safari?
No compadre, me subà muy alcoholizado al carrusel de la feria y me resbalé.
12
Dec
Q. What do Baghdad and Hiroshima have in common ?
A. Nothing, yet.
Q: What does Saddam want for Thanksgiving ?
A: Turkey.
Q: What do Miss Muffet and Saddam Hussein have in common ?
A: They both have Kurds in their Whey.
Q: What do Saddam Hussein and General Custer have in common ?
A: They both want to know where the hell those Tomahawks are coming from !
Q: What is the best Iraqi job ?
A: Foreign Ambassador
Q: How many Iraqis does it take to screw in a light bulb ?
A: None. They cant turn them on anyway.
Q: How many Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb ?
A: Only one, but he does it from 30 miles away using laser targeting, and at a cost of US $8,000,000.
Q: How many members of the coalition does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: We are not prepared to comment on specific numbers at this time.
Q: Did you hear that it is twice as easy to train Iraqi fighter pilots?
A: You only have to teach them to take off.
Q: How do you play Iraqi bingo ?
A: B-52…F-16…A-10
Q: What is Iraqs national bird ?
A: Duck
Q: Whats the difference between Aeroflot and the Scud Missile ?
A: Aeroflot has killed more people.
Q: How is Saddam like Fred Flintstone ?
A: Both may look out their windows and see Rubble.
Q: Why does the Iraqi Navy have glass bottom boats ?
A: So they can see their Air Force.
Q: Did you hear that Saddam Hussein won the toss ?
A: He elected to receive.
Q: Why do all Iraqi soldiers carry a piece of sandpaper?
A: They need a map….
12
Dec
A man is giving a speech at his lodge meeting. He gets a bit carried away and talks for two hours.
When he realizes hes been talking for so long, he gets very flustered, and continues for another hour.
Finally, he manages to regain his composure. Feeling certain hes bored or upset, and lost, most of the audience, he says, Im sorry I talked so long. I left my watch at home.
From the back of the room comes a voice. Theres a calendar on the wall right behind you!
12
Dec
On a recent weekend in Atlantic City, a woman won a bucketful of quarters at a slot machine. Then took a break from the slots for dinner with her husband in the hotel dining room. But first she wanted to stash the quarters in her room.
Ill be right back and well go to eat, she told her husband and she carried the coin-laden bucket to the elevator she noticed two men already aboard.
Both were black.
One of them was big … very big … an intimidating figure. The woman froze. Her first thought was: These two are going to rob me. Her next thought was: Dont be a bigot, they look like perfectly nice gentlemen.
But racial stereotypes are powerful, and fear immobilized her. She stood and stared at the two men. She felt anxious, flustered, ashamed. She hoped they didnt read her mind, but knew they surely did; her hesitation about joining them on the elevator was all too obvious. Her face was flushed.
She couldnt just stand there, so with a mighty effort of will she picked up one foot and stepped forward and followed with the other foot and was on the elevator. Avoiding eye contact, she turned around stiffly and faced the elevator doors as they closed.
A second passed, and then another second, and then another. Her fear increased!
The elevator didnt move. Panic consumed her. My goodness, she thought, Im trapped and about to be robbed! Her heart plummeted. Perspiration poured from every pore. Then … one of the men said, Hit the floor.
Instinct told her: Do what they tell you. The bucket she threw out her arms and collapsed on the elevator carpet as the quarters showered her.
Take my money and spare me, she prayed.
More seconds passed. She heard one of the men say politely, Maam, if youll just tell us what floor youre going to, well push the button.
The one who said it had a little trouble getting the words out. He was trying mightily to hold in a belly laugh. She lifted her head and looked up at the two men. They reached down to help her up.
Confused, she struggled to her feet. When I told my man here to hit the floor, said the average sized one, I meant that he should hit the elevator button for our floor. I didnt mean for you to hit the floor, maam.
He spoke genially. He bit his lip. It was obvious he was having a hard time not laughing.
She thought: My goodness, what a spectacle Ive made of myself! She was too humiliated to speak. She wanted to blurt out an apology, but words failed her. How do you apologize to two perfectly respectable gentlemen for behaving as though they were going to rob you? She didnt know what to say.
The 3 of them gathered up the strewn quarters and refilled her bucket. When the elevator arrived at her floor, they insisted on walking her to her room. She seemed a little unsteady on her feet, and they were afraid she might not make it down the corridor. At her door they bid her a good evening.
As she slipped into her room she could hear them roaring with laughter while they walked back to the elevator. The woman brushed herself off. She pulled herself together and went downstairs for dinner with her husband.
The next morning flowers were delivered to her room-a dozen roses. Attached to EACH rose was a crisp one hundred dollar bill. The card said: Thanks for the best laugh weve had in years.
It was signed,
Eddie Murphy
Michael Jordan