Old and New Jokes

24. If you carry less than a dollar on you at all times because thats all you have

A Illinois man who left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.

Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preachers wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Your Loving Husband.

P.S. Sure is hot down here.

A Jewish mother is walking with her small son along the shore, enjoying the sounds and smells of the ocean.

Suddenly, without warning, a huge wave comes in and washes the boy out to sea. The woman screams, but no one is nearby, and she cant swim. She sees her sons head bobbing up and down as he cries for help and moves farther and farther from shore.

Desperate, she sinks to her knees in the sand. Pleading with God for mercy, she swears she will devote herself to good causes and be faithful in attending synagogue if God will spare her only child.

Suddenly another huge wave crashes in, and deposits her son, wet but unhurt on the sand. She lifts her face to the heavens, extends both arms and cries…

He had a HAT!!!!

There are two statues standing in the woods. They have been there standing on their pedastals for 500 years. A girl statue and a boy statue.

Finally one day the Good Fairy came down. You have been here for five centuries, naked just looking at one another. Now, the Good Fairy said to the statues, you have five full seconds to jump down off your pedastals and run out there in the bushes and do whatever it is that you would like to do.

The girl statue and the boy statue jumped down, ran into the bushes, came back out brushing the leaves out of their hair and jumped back upon their pedastals.

The Good Fairy said, you used three seconds, you have two more seconds to finish what you were doing.

The boy statue looked at the girl statue and said, this time you hold the pigeon and Ill poop on its head!

Yo mama middle name is Rambo.

Él: No sé por que usas sostén: no tienes nada que poner ahí.

Ella: Tú usas calzoncillos, ¿no?

***

Él: ¿Me amas sólo porque mi padre me dejó una fortuna?

Ella: No, querido, yo te amaría sin importar quién te la dejó.

***

Ella: ¿Cómo es que vienes a casa medio borracho?

Él: No es mi culpa. Se me acabó el dinero.

***

Él: Cinco centímetros más y sería rey.

Ella: Cinco centímetros menos y serías una reina.

***

Escrito en la pared del baño de damas:

Mi esposo me sigue a todas partes

Debajo:No es cierto, no lo hago

***

Él: Salgamos a divertirnos esta noche.

Ella: Buena idea. El que llegue primero deja la luz de la entrada encendida.

***

Él: ¿Por qué nunca me dices cuando tienes un orgasmo?

Ella: Lo haría, pero nunca estás ahí.

***

Él: ¿Ensayamos una posición diferente esta noche?

Ella: Buena idea: tú te paras al lado de la mesa de planchar y yo me siento en el sofá a ver televisión.

The best photos are generally attempted through the lens cap.

Not only is she a little young, but youre sure that you used to date

her mother.

…You find out her real name is Vinnie, and you used to play little

league with her.

…She has a thicker moustache than you.

…When you go to pick her up, her lawyer meets you at the door with a contract describing your duties and restrictions.

…You jokingly ask her if she wants to go down to Atlantic City and get married. She then informs you that leaving the state is a violation of her parole.

…Her bra and panties are wired to an alarm system.

…You are the first guy that shes gone out with that isnt her cousin.

…At the end of the night she gives you a coupon that is good for a free shot of penicillin at the nearest clinic.

…She beats up some guy for making fun of your hair cut.

…You wake up the next morning with a wicked hang-over. In the bed next to you is Janet Reno.

…At the end of the night, you drop her off at her house, and her pimp is waiting there with your bill.

…She keeps staring at you all through dinner, then finally asks if you want to meet satan.

…She constantly complains that her cat wont stop laughing at her.

…She informs you that you cant go out again because her spirit guide doesnt like you.

…She informs you that you cant go out again because her boyfriend doesnt like you.

Guy walks into the bar, goes up to the bartender. Reaching into his pants pocket, he pulls out a hundred dollar bill. Set up everybody in the place! he shouts. The bartender obliges.

Suddenly, a little man jumps out of the guys pocket, runs down the bar, and kicks all of the drinks, smokes, change, etc on the floor. He runs back and jumps back into the guys pocket.

The Bartender asks whats going on. The guy just reaches back into his pants pocket, pulls out another hundred, and says just set everybody up again. Bartender obliges once more, suspiciously watching the guy.

Once more the little man appears from the guys shirt pocket. Runs down the bar, breaks the glasses, pitches the napkins into the air, etc. Runs back and jumps into the shirt pocket again. This time the guy buttons the pocket.

Bartender says explain yourself, or leave.

Guy says Well….I was walking down the beach one day, and ran across a bottle in the sand. Turns out there is a Genie in the bottle. Gave me 3 wishes!

So my first wish was to never run out of cash again. Now every time I reach into my pants pocket there is a hundred dollar bill!

Second wish was to never be lonely again. Went back to my apartment and there waiting for me were 3 of the most beatuiful supermodels you have ever seen, all willing to do whatever I desired from them!

Third wish…I wished for a 6 inch prick, and THIS IS THE LITTLE BASTARD I GOT!!!

Three men were sitting in a bar talking about how whipped they had their wives.

The first two kept bragging about how they could get their wives to do anything.

They looked at the third man and he said, I have my wife so whipped that the other day I had her crawling towards me on her hands and knees.

Both of the other men were very impressed and asked him how he had managed that.

The man replied,Well, I was laying under the bed and she crawled over and said, Come out and fight like a man!.