Heard on the WRIF morning radio show:
Did you hear about the veterinarian who was also a taxidermist?
No matter what happens, youll always get your dog back.
11
Aug
11
Aug
A realist is more correct about things in life than an optimist. But the optimist seems to have more friends and much more fun.
Megan, age 14
Never give up because life gets harder as you get older. After preschool the road of life keeps getting bumpier and bumpier and bumpier.
Angela Martin, age 11
Never blow in a cats ear because if you do, usually after three or four times, they will bite your lips! And they dont let go for at least a minute.
Lisa Coburn, age 9
Dont think life is easy, because when you get older it is hard work. I used to think life was easy, now I have to do the dishes every other day.
Nick Coleman,age 9
Take risks. I mean, if you like this person and you dont know if they like you, ask them out and see what happens. I liked this girl and asked her out. She said no and she hates me now, but I took that risk.
Bruce Wagner, age 13
11
Aug
There was a father and son in China that were very close. They used to go everywhere together including looking for chicken (Chinese slang for prostitute).One day, the son decided to go oversea for study. The father was very
supportive, and before his son left, the father told him, We cannot
look for chicken together for the next few years. However, if you need
to look for chicken, please go ahead and I will pay for it. But please
state the expense as Shooting Bird so that your mother will not
suspect.So the son left, and after a month, the father received the bill from
the son (shooting bird – $1000).Subsequently, and for the next few months, the bill for shooting bird is more than $1000. Well, the father could not tolerate this, so he wrote to his son. Son, you have been shooting too expensive bird, try some cheaper one.A month later, the father received another bill from his son. On it he
had written:Shooting Bird – $50
Rifle Repair – $2,000
10
Aug
Un chico va a pedir la mano de su novia al papá de ella. Al llegar, el padre la manda a su cuarto en la parte de arriba de la casa. Luego pregunta al muchacho:
¿Cuánto ganas?
El muchacho dice: El sueldo mÃnimo.
El padre grita: ¡A mi hija eso no le alcanza ni para el papel higiénico.
Decepcionado, el chico sale de la casa, y desde el balcón la novia le grita:
¿Qué pasó?
Y el chico le responde:
¡Hasta nunca, cagona!
10
Aug
– Bonitas piernas, ¿a qué hora abren?
– ¿Crees en el amor a primera vista o tengo que volver a pasar delante tuyo?
– Si estás buscando el tocador de damas, no busques más… soy yo.
– ¿Trabajas para Federal Express?… porque pensé que me mirabas el paquete.
– Puede que no sea el tipo más guapo del bar, pero soy el único que te está hablando.
– Realmente estoy luchando contra la necesidad de hacerte esta noche la mujer más feliz del mundo.
– Por una sonrisa tuya recorrerÃa un kilómetro… irÃa mucho más lejos por eso que haces con la lengua…
– Mi nombre es Rafa… recuérdalo porque lo estarás gritando más tarde.
– Mátame si no te sirvo, pero primero pruébame.
– Estoy buscando el 1/2 para llevarte a mi 1/4.
– Estoy buscando Diosas para una nueva religión… y acabo de elegirte.
– Mañana me meto en un convento para ser cura… ¿me ayudas a disfrutar la última noche?
– Soy homosexual… ¿me ayudas a cambiar?
– Uy que perro más encantador, ¿tiene número de teléfono?
– ¿Mañana te despierto con el codo o con el teléfono?
– ¿Te estudio o te trabajo?
– Bonitos pantalones, quedarÃan muy bien en el suelo de mi dormitorio.
– Discúlpame… ¿tienes hora?… es que se me PARÓ cuando te vi.
– El médico me prohibió levantar cosas pesadas… ¿me ayudas a orinar?
– Hola, soy nuevo acá, ¿me puedes decir donde queda tu departamento?
– ¿Te importa si compartimos el taxi hacia mi casa?
– Tengo bonitos relojes, ¿quieres ver mi mesita de noche?
– ¿Nos conocemos de algún sitio? ¿o es que no te reconozco porque traes ropa puesta?
– ¿Que te gustarÃa para el desayuno?
– PodrÃa sacarte de mi sucia lista de fantasÃas si quieres.
– Bonita blusa, ¿puedo hablarte sin ella?
– Tengo sed nena, y tu hueles a Gatorade.
A la chica de la fotocopiadora:
– Reproduciendo ¿eh?… ¿puedo ayudar?
– Perdà mi número de teléfono, ¿me prestas el tuyo?
– Jugar al doctor es para niños, ven y juguemos al ginecólogo.
– Señorita, si ya perdió su virginidad, me podrÃa regalar la cajita en que venÃa.
10
Aug
The wealthy wife of a very successful Jewish businessman went to the portrait artist for her first sitting. The portrait, a gift for her husband. She explained to the artist what she wanted: You should paint me like I am. These little wrinkles, you put them on your canvas. The lines under my eyes, the flab on my arms, the turn in my nose, and the mole on my cheek, they all stay….BUT on my hands you put lots of rings with big diamonds and emeralds and bright jewels. Around my neck you put chains of gold and diamonds. Do you understand?
The artist looked at her in earnest and asked why she should want such detail of real life in her physical appearance, but adorn herself with the phony jewelry.
She replied: When I die my husband will re-marry. The new wife, she should go crazy looking for the jewels.
10
Aug
Q: How do you get rid of blondes?
A: Form a circle, give each blonde a gun, and tell them they are a firing squad.
10
Aug
Yo mamas so fat, she rolled over four quarters and left a dollar.
10
Aug
You should never drink during tax season.
You might shoot at tax collectors and miss!
10
Aug
Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that would give you
thousands of years on trouble-free service, except that you undoubtably will
destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer maneuver.
Which is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR GODS SAKE READ THIS OWNERS MANUAL
CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE!
YOU ALREADY UNPACKED IT, DIDNT YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND
TURNED IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD WHO
ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEO CASSETTE RECORDER AND SET IT ON
FAST FORWARD, THIS CHILD IS ALSO FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS, RIGHT?
AND YOURE JUST NOW STARTING TO READ THE INSTRUCTIONS, RIGHT???
WE MIGHT JUST AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE FACTORY BEFORE WE
SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?