Old and New Jokes

Best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral winter solstice holiday, practiced with the most joyous traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice but with no implication that you have a religious persuasion, and with respect for the religious persuasions of others or their choice not to practice a religion at all.

Adding all my wishes for the same to you and yours, Jeff.

Note: the preceding was forwarded from The Globe and Mail, quoting Gerry Furney, the mayor of Port McNeill, British Columbia, Canada this morning.

This is a true story. If you have children you will probably relate to this father. The names have been changed to protect the dignity of the father …

As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection. A thick slab of ham, a fresh bun, crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard.

The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the picnic table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side. Hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich, she said. I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers.

I love mustard.

I had no napkin.

I licked it off.

It was not mustard.

No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding. With a washcloth in each hand I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do, only I did it on my tongue.

Later (after she stopped crying from laughing so hard) my wife said, Now you know why they call that mustard Poupon.

Your web page is more popular than you.
Your favorite sport is Tetris.
You know what fuzzy logic is.
You talk to your computer.
When given a choice, you look at Computer Shopper instead of Playboy.
You argue with your computer.
Your computer has its own phone line.
You have dreams involving your computer.
You try to pick up women on chat lines.
You can talk to a woman about your hardware and not mean anything sexual.
You spend Friday nights with your computer.
You ask a woman for her email address instead of her phone number.
Youve never actually met many of your friends.
You remember how to use DOS.
You think Bill Gates is a cool guy.
Only computer users can understand you.
Your home page is longer than your resume.
Youve ever installed Linux.
Youve missed the X-Files because you wanted to play on your computer.
You always understand Dilbert.
You regularly drink Jolt cola.
You spend more time on the Internet than you do sleeping.
You have multiple email addresses.
Youve ever setup a LAN in your house.
You understood the above statement.
You search the Internet for computer humor.
Your idea of hurrying is typing faster.
You keep spare mouse pads.
You buy your computer gifts.
Youve ever been dumped for paying too much attention to your computer.
Someone mentions foreign language and you think Cobol.
You regularly use a tape backup on files you have the original disks for.
You get a new computer, take it out of the box, and you immediately remove the case.
You have ever called home to check on your computer.
You do processes in DOS instead of Windows not because it is faster, but because it just confuses people.
Youve ever considered getting a tattoo of the Intel Inside logo.
You have a pet name for your computer, but not one for your penis.
You know every law about computer piracy by heart, because youve been convicted on all of them.
You no longer interact with your family, you send them email instead; in the

You might be a redneck if…
Your dad is also your favorite uncle.

Q: Whats the difference between President Hoover and Clinton?
A: One promised a chicken in every pot and the other was an unpromising chicken who smoked pot.

* Whew, thats one terrific spread!

* Im in the mood for a little dark meat.



* Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.



* Talk about a huge breast!



* Its Cool Whip time!



* If I dont undo my pants, Ill burst!



* Are you ready for seconds yet?



* Are you going to come again next Year?



* Its a little dry, do you still want to eat it?



* Just wait your turn, youll get some!



* Dont play with your meat.



* Just spread the legs open & stuff it in.



* Do you think youll be able to handle all these people at once?



* I didnt expect everyone to come at once!



* You still have a little bit on your chin.



* Use a nice smooth stroke when you whip it.



* How long will it take after you stick it in?



* Youll know its ready when it pops up.



* Wow, I didnt think I could handle all of that!



* How many are coming?



* Thats the biggest one Ive ever seen!



* Just lay back & take it easy…Ill do the rest.



* How long do I beat it before its ready?

Dont think of it as overwhelming numbers, think of it as a wide selection
of targets.

What do you call a witch at the beach? I dont know? A sand-witch!

DOS Airline:
Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they
jump on and let the plane coast until it hits the ground
again, then they push again, jump on again and so on.
DOS with QEMM Airline:
The same thing but with more leg room to push.
Mac Airline:
All the stewards, stewardesses, captains, baggage handlers,
and ticket agents look the same, act the same, and talk the
same. Every time you ask questions about details, you are
told you dont need to know, dont want to know, and that
everything will be done for you without you having to know,
so just shut up.
OS/2 Airline:
To board the plane, you have your ticket stamped ten different
times by standing in ten different lines. Then you fill out a
form showing where you want to sit and whether the plane should
look and feel like an ocean liner, a passenger train, or a bus.
If you succeed in getting on board the plane and the plane
succeeds in getting off the ground, you have a wonderful
trip… except for the times when the rudder and flaps get frozen in
position, in which case you have time to say your prayers and
get in crash position.
Windows Airline:
The airport terminal is nice and colorful, with friendly
stewards and stewardesses, easy access to the plane, and a
completely uneventful takeoff…then, once in the air, the
plane blows up without any warning whatsoever.
Win NT Airline:
Everyone marches out on the runway, says the password in unison,
and forms the outline of an airplane. Then they all sit down
and make a whooshing sound like theyre flying.
Unix Airline:
Everyone brings one piece of the plane with them when they come
to the airport. They all go out on the runway and put the plane
together piece by piece, arguing constantly about what kind of
plane theyre building.
Mach Airline:
There is no airplane. The passengers gather and shout for an
airplane, then wait and wait and wait and wait. A bunch of people
come, each carrying one piece of the plane with them. These people
all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece,
arguing constantly about what kind of plane theyre building. The
plane finally takes off, leaving the passengers on the ground waiting
and waiting and waiting and waiting. After the plane lands, the
pilot telephones the passengers at the departing airport to inform
them that they have arrived.
Newton Airline:
After buying your tickets 18 months in advance, you finally get to
board the plane. Upon boarding the plane, you are asked for your
name. After 4-6 times, the crew member recognizes your name and you
are then allowed to take your seat. As you are getting ready to
take your seat, the steward announces that you will have to repeat
the boarding process because they are out of room and need to recount
to make sure they can take more passengers.
GEORGE 3
When you ask why its taking so long to fly from Ontario
to LA they explain that 80% of power is used to keep the plane in the
air and only 20% is designed for going places.
NOS
The only way to do anything is to say it in either FORTRAN 66 or
Algol 60. Each seat has room for three normal people. You can only
get out at every 10th landing.

Q: Why are there lip stick stains on the steering wheel after a

blonde drives a car?

A: Cause she blows the horn!