Old and New Jokes

One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God, Lord, I have a problem.

Whats the problem, Adam?, God replies.

Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but Im just not happy

Why is that, Adam?, comes the reply from the heavens.

Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely.

Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a woman for you.

Whats a woman, Lord?

This woman will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you., replies the heavenly voice.

Sounds great.

She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam.

How much will this woman cost me Lord?, Adam replies.

Shell cost you your right arm, your right leg, an eye, an ear, and your left testicle.

Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally Adam says to God, Ehhh, what can I get for a rib?

The rest, as they say, is history.

Reagan, Nixon and Clinton are on the Titanic.

The ship hits the iceberg and sinks slowly.

Everybody starts screaming, panicking, etc.

Reagan shouts, Women and children first.

Nixon goes, Fuck the women.

Clinton replies, Do you think we have time?

Austin, Texas – Nothings too small for politicians to debate. Even molecules. Rep. Scott Hochberg, D-Houston, apparently thought his idea of making Rice Universitys Nobel Prize-winning buckyball the official Texas molecule would glide through the Legislature unopposed.

But Hochberg, a Rice alum and an electrical engineer tutored in the arguments of science, should have known better.

University of Texas chemist Jonathan Sessler has another candidate for the Texas title: his Texaphyrin, a 9-year-old, engineered molecule undergoing tests as a delivery system for anti-cancer drugs.

For one thing, Sessler says buckyballs – the whimsically nicknamed form of carbon discovered by Rice chemists Rick Smalley and Robert Curl – belong to nature and, therefore, arent specifically Texan. Sessler, on the other hand, designed his Texaphyrin, for which a patent is pending, in the shape of a two-dimensional Frisbee with a five-point Lone Star in the middle of it.

The buckyball is like the Hope diamond, Sessler said. The scientists picked it up and polished it. But thats a very different kind of beauty than the Sistine Chapel, which came out of a persons brain and hand.

Source: Houston Chronicle

Yo mama so old I told her to act her own age, and she died.

Q: How many banjo players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but all the others gathered around will complain that thats not the way Earl Scruggs would have done it.

One Day Stupid, Trouble, and Shut Up were driving along in their car when Trouble suddenly hurled himself out of the window.

Well, Stupid and Shut Up did not know what to do so they went to the police station. When they got there the chief asked them their names.

Shut Up, replied Shut Up.

Stupid, replied Stupid.

The police chief thought these people were telling him to shut up, and were calling him stupid. Which made him very mad. Excuse Me! shouted the chief.

Thinking the chief was hard of hearing, They once again shouted there names.

Shut Up!

Stupid!

The police chief was very riled. He then asked Are you looking for trouble?!!!

Stunned at the idea of the chief knowing that they were looking for their friend, they replied,Why yes, how did you know?

Q: How many Labour Party members does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. They havent got a policy on that.

La maestra en la clase de Pepito:

Niños, hoy vamos a ver las suposiciones. A ver Luisito, dime una suposición.

Mi hermanito estaba llorando. Supongo que tenía hambre.

Muy bien. Pedrito dime una suposición.

El teléfono sonó. Supongo que alguien estaba llamando.

Muy bien. Pepito dime una suposición.

Mi papá tomó el periódico. Supongo que iba a cagar.

¡Pepito! Sí tu papá tomó el periódico se supone que fue para leerlo.

No maestra, el burro de mi papá no sabe leer.

A young man truly in love with his girlfriend decided to have her name tattooed on his penis, her name was Wendy, and the tattoo was done while the penis was erect, so when it was not erect all you could see was W Y. Shortly after the couple was married and they were honeymooning in Jamaica, the man was in a bathroom in Jamaica, and standing next to him was a Jamaican man who also had a W Y on his penis.



The American said to him Oh is your girl named Wendy too?



The Jamaican replied, No, Mon that says, Welcome To Jamaica Have a Nice Day.

In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve the gerbil, Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital.





Tomaszewski, and his homosexual partner Andrew Kiki Farnum, had been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong. I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Faggot, our gerbil, in, he explained. As usual, Kiki shouted out Armageddon, my cue that hed had enough. I tried to retrieve Faggot but he wouldnt come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him.





At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened next. The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out the tube, igniting Mr. Tomaszewskis hair and severely burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbils fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out like a cannonball. Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.





Anonymous response:





Ok, heres the top ten things that scared me the most in reading this story:





I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum . . . Ouch!!!





So I peered into the tube . . . Aaaaaahhhhhhh. Im sorry, but thats like looking through a telescope into Hell. Id rather use binoculars to stare at the sun.





That poor gerbil (who obviously suffers from low self esteem) being shot out of the guys ass like Rocky the Flying Squirrel on Rocky & Bullwinkle.





Suffering a broken nose from a gerbil being launched out of someones ass. Im just guessing, but I seriously doubt said gerbil was springtime fresh after his little journey into Kikis tunnel of love.





People walking around with these volcanic-like pockets of gas in their rectums.





People who do this kind of thing and then admit what they were doing when taken to the emergency room. Sorry, but I think I would have made up a story about a gang of roving, pyromaniac, anal sex fiends breaking into my house and sodomizing me with a charcoal lighter before I admitted the truth. Call me old fashioned, but I just cant imagine looking at a doctor and saying Well doc, its like this. See we have this gerbil named Faggot and we took this cardboard tube…





First and second degree burns to the anus. Wouldnt this make the burning itch and discomfort of hemorrhoids a welcome relief? How does one ever take a healthy shit after something like this? And the smell of burning anus must be in the top five most horrible scents on the face of Gods green earth.





People named Kiki which is obviously a Polynesian word for Idiotic white men who insert rodents up their butts.





What kind of a hospital would hold a press conference on this?





This happened in Salt Lake City. What kind of people are those Mormons? Im starting to get a whole new image of the Osmond family.