Old and New Jokes

A: Under the soap.

A man walks into a diner and orders a hamburger. As he is waiting for his food, he notices that the cook is flattening the raw hamburger patties by placing them under his armpits and squeezing with his arm.

He calls the manager over and points out what the cook is doing.

The manager replies, Oh, thats nothing. You ought to see how he prepares the donuts!

Two Southern belles were having a picnic in a park. The first one says, See my new diamond ring? My husband bought it for me.

The second one says, Oh, thats nice! Thats really, really nice!

The first one says, And see that shiny new Jaguar parked over there? My husband bought it for me.

The second one says, Oh, thats nice! Thats really, really nice!

The first one says, And you know that big white house at the top of the hill? My husband is gonna buy that for me.

The second one says, Oh, thats nice! Thats really, really nice!

The first one says, Oh my stars, here I am, going on and on about myself! Tell me, what does your husband do for you?

The second one says, Well, my husband sent me to charm school.

The first one says, Charm school? Why on earth would he do that?

The second one says, Because I used to say, Who gives a fuck, but now I say, Oh, thats nice! Thats really, really nice!

A man at the pharmacy to pick up his Viagra prescription exclaimed over the $10/pill price. His wife, who was with him, had a different opinion: Oh, $40 a year isnt too bad.

Then there was the man who got his Viagra tablet stuck in his throat and suffered from a stiff neck.

Have you tried the new hot beverage, Viagraccino? One cup and youre up all night.

How many doses of Viagra does it take to change a light bulb? One little tablet, and its a whole new bulb.

Men are being warned not to take Viagra with nitrates after five gentlemen in India did so and changed the balance of power in the region.

The Viagra computer virus turns your floppy disk into a hard drive. The Viagra Super virus then sucks all your data off the hard drive.

If youre depressed and think you might need Viagra, see a professional. If that doesnt work, see a doctor!

A guy named Dave emailed us that he left his Viagra tablet in his shirt pocket when he sent it to the laundry. Now, his shirt is too stiff to wear.

We received the report today that it is no longer necessary to stake tomatoes. Just dissolve a Viagra tablet in the water and they stand up straight and tall.

Viagra is now being compared to Disneyland – a one-hour wait for a 2-minute ride.

A couple went to church every week, but every week without fail the husband would fall asleep during the sermon.

The wife, being embarrassed by her husbands loud snoring, decided to bring a needle to the next service with her and poke him when he nods off.

The next week when they were in church the husband, as always, fell asleep. When the preacher asked, Who created the Earth in 6 days and rested on the 7th? The wife stuck her husband with the needle and he jumped up and exclaimed, Oh my God! The preacher said, Thats correct. And the husband sat down mumbling to himself.

He soon fell asleep again and when the preacher got to the question, And who died on the cross to save us from eternal damnation? The wife stuck her husband again and he jumped up and exclaimed, Jesus Christ! And the preacher said, Right again. With this the husband fell suspicious of his wife and decided to catch her in the act.

The husband pretended to fall asleep while keeping an eye on his wife when the preacher said, What did Mary say to Joseph after Jesus was born? The wife started to poke her husband again, but before she could the husband jumped up and exclaimed, If you stick that damn thing in me again, Im going to break it in half!

If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?
If you lick the air, does it get wet?

Q: Why dont Jewish mothers drink?


A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the high school intercom:

Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may begin plowing.

Twenty minutes later there was another announcement:

Will the twelve hundred students who went to move 26 cars, return to class.

12. Hey, wasnt your daughter a porn queen?

11. Im surprised you stopped me, Dunkin Donuts has a 3 for 1 special!

10. If I bend over, will I still get a ticket?

9. No, offi, offic, lucifer . . . Im not as think you are drunk I am. I swear to dog.

8. No, I dont know how fast I was going. The little needle stops at 110 mph.

7. Back off, Barney, Ive got a piece.

6. Want to race to the station, Sparky?

5. I know I was weaving, but I was trying to hit all the little green men!

4. On the way to the station lets get a six pack.

3. Youll never get those cuffs on me. . . You Homo!

2. Come on write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!

1. No, YOU assume the position.

Background: The hockey world is buzzing as former Pittsburgh Penguins superstar Mario Lemieux is expected to announce that he is coming out of retirement to play with the team he now owns.

[AP] – In a shocking development from the hockey world, hockey legend and superstar Mario Lemieux announced his come-back to the sport in an emotional press-conference at Mellon Arena today.

Not more than twenty minutes afterward, the Penguin great was immediatly traded to the Chicago Blackhawks for Tony Amonte, Mikael Nylander, Dean McAmmond and several undisclosed draft picks.

Craig Patrick, Penguins general manager, was asked to explain the dealing of his boss, I just wanted to do it, because its really ironic. He still owns the Penguins and everything, but now he plays for Chicago! I mean … whoa! Thats weird!

Lemieux, seen in the Mellon Arena parking lot rather livid after he learned of his trade, tried his best to ease the situation, Its my own damn fault. I didnt bother to request a no-trade clause. Im the only one to blame for this.

It wouldnt have mattered, Patrick said, I wouldve just waived him and got those same players for future considerations, heh, heh. Death threats or no.

When asked about whether or not his job could be in jeopardy, being Lemieux still owns the Pittsburgh franchise, Patrick hesitated to answer, Thats the most ironic thing of all, frankly. Wait … if an owner is back and talks to the players about money and whatever, is that collusion? Now that he plays for one team, and owns another, will he lose games against us on purpose since hes basically paying for his paycheck along with Chicago, and if he plays to lose, then wont Chicago get upset? And if so, will we be fined? I dont get it. Hold on … let me think about this for a second.

The second passed quickly, as Patricks head exploded.

Ivan Hlinka, Penguins head coach, was also reached for comment, and after conferring with Jaromir Jagr, had this to say, Dean McAmmond!!! Christ! I hate that guy! We were playing a game of Life just this summer and he kept stealing money from the bank while I wasnt looking! That cheating piece of crap! I refuse to coach him! Absolutely refuse! What? You actually like him, Jaromir? Sorry. I take that back. Dean McAmmond is an exceptional player. I love him, and wish I was a women so I could have his baby. Though, if the movie Junior was real life, and not fiction, I wouldnt have to be a woman to have his baby at all.

The two men were suddenly distracted, as Jean-Claude Van Damme was seen on the rooftops of the arena, leaping off of a helicopter as it crashed through the buildings retractable roof, forcing the villain to scream in terror as he blew up in a vast array of horrific flames and grotesque screeching metal.