Old and New Jokes

A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from their bed. In the stillness of the house, she could hear a muffled sound downstairs. She went downstairs and looked around, still not finding her husband. Listening again, she could definitely hear moaning. She went down to the basement where she finally found her husband crouched in the corner facing the wall, sobbing. Whats wrong with you? she asked him.

Remember when your father caught us having sex when you were sixteen? he replied. And remember he said I had two choices: I could either marry you, or spend the next twenty years in prison.

Baffled, she said, Yes, I remember, so what?

The husband sobbed, I would have gotten out today.

Top 10 Reasons No One Wants to go into Space with John Glenn again:

10. The horror of seeing the effects of G-Forces on wrinkles.

9. Kept using the Hubble to find his glasses.

8. Everytime he sneezed, his teeth flew out.

7. Forgot where he was each morning, kept grabbing for Scott while calling

him Annie.

6. Constantly complaining about being Stiff all over while eyeing

Chiaki.

5. Couldnt get him to stop doing the Viagra experiment.

4. When warned, Theres a Meteor Shower ahead, he thought they said,

Shower cause hed peed the bed.

3. Couldnt seem to ever attach his urinal bag properly.

2. Theres a real good reason why we call old men Old Farts.

1. The Prunetang worked, but the Depends didnt.

This one, also, comes from Sam Sexton, in Coventry.

This is more of a visual joke, as actions should accompany the words, but Ill
leave those to your imagination….

A deaf couple are getting married, and the man decides that they should make
sure from the start that they understand important matters, so he explains
to his bride:

When I want sex with you, I will squeeze your left breast once.

When I do not want sex with you, I will squeeze your right breast twice.

When you want sex with me, you should pull my penis once.

When you do not want sex with me, you should pull my penis fifty-five times.

Q: How many surgeons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. Theyd also like to remove the socket as you arent using it now.

Never leave hold of what youve got until youve got hold of something else.

A patient goes to a Polish doctor:

Patient: I am having a hard time hearing. I cannot even hear myself cough. Doctor: Here is a prescription, take the midicine for 7 days, then return for a checkup.

Seven Days Later: Patient: Thanks a million, doctor. At least, I can hear myself cough now. So what did you do to make me hear better? Doctor: Not much, I gave you medicine that increased your cough.

No one ever steals your seat.
Gives bad hair day a whole new meaning.
Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.
People stop stealing your pens after theyve seen where you keep them.
You want to see if its like the dream.
To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.
Id love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants.
Inventive way to finally meet that special person in Human Resources.
Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.
…and (drum roll) the number one reason to Go To Work Naked:
Your boss is always yelling I wanna see your ass in here by 8 in the morning!

-=} Randall {=- A naked man fears no pickpockets.

To make it possible for everyone to attend church next Sunday, my brother Franks church is going to have a special No Excuse Sunday:Cots will be placed in the vestibule for those who say that Sunday is the only day they can sleep in. We will have steel helmets for those who say the roof would cave in if they ever came to church. Blankets will be furnished for those who think the church is too cold and fans for those who say it is too hot. We will have hearing aids for those who say the Pastor speaks too softly – and cotton for those who say he preached too loudly. Score cards will be available for those who wish to list the hypocrites present. Some relatives will be in attendance for those who like to go visiting on Sundays. There will be TV dinners for those who cant go to church and cook dinner too. One section will be devoted to trees and grass for all those who like to seek God in nature. Finally, the sanctuary will be decorated with both Christmas poinsettias and Easter lilies for those who have never seen the church without them.

This is supposedly a true story, told to me by a second source.

An older woman was cruising a busy parking lot just before
Christmas in her new Mercedes-Benz looking in vain for a
parking space. She finally saw someone loaded with packages
heading for a car, so she followed him, put on her blinker and
waited patiently until he pulled out. Just as he pulled out
a young man in a sleek black Porsche zipped in to the space ahead of her.
She was dumbfounded and outraged, and jumped out of her car, shouting,

How could you do that?
Didnt you see me waiting there with my signal on?
to which he replied,
Thats what happens when youre young and fast.

As the young man was about to enter the store he heard the
hideous crunch of metal striking metal. He ran back, horrified, to
see that the woman had gunned her Mercedes and smashed it into his
beautiful black Porsche. He ran back and cried,
How could you do that? to which she replied,

Thats what happens when youre old and rich!

A guy worked in an adult book store. One afternoon his friend walked in.

The guy said, Dude,thank goodness you showed up! Im starving, and I need you to watch the counter for me for a few minutes, while I run across the street to get some lunch.

The friend looked around the store, then looked back at his friend oddly.

The guy said, Dude, dont ask any questions, just sell it to em.

The friend said, Ok. So the guy left.

A customer came in, and went up to the counter. She said, I want a vibrator. What do you have?

The friend said, We got red ones, white ones, black ones, big ones, little ones and medium sized ones.

The lady said, Ill take a little red one to carry in my bag.

He sold it to her.

Another woman walked in. She approached the counter and said, I would like a vibrator, what do you have?

The friend replied, Red, black or white, large, medium or small.

The woman asked, Well, what about the red, white and black checkered one up there?

The friend said, Well, Ill sell it to ya if you want, so she bought it.

A few minutes later the guy came back from lunch and said, Thanks Dude, youre a life saver. So did you sell anything?

The friend said, Yeah, I sold a little red vibrator and a thermos.