Old and New Jokes

What do most women miss most about being single?

Having sex!

Una joven de 20 años próxima a contraer matrimonio se dirige con una diseñadora de trajes de novia para que ésta le diseñe la ropa para su noche de bodas. Una vez en el lugar le explica a la diseñadora que necesita que le haga un vestido con noventa yardas de tela. Indignada, la diseñadora le reprocha:

¿No crees que es demasiada tela?

Es que mi novio tiene 80 años y se divierte más buscándola que cuando la encuentra.

Whats the difference between a werewolf and an [ethnic] girl?

A werewolf is only covered with hair during a full moon!

Captains Log, Stardate 54324.5: Starfleet Command has directed the Enterprise to do a preliminary exploration of planet M22 in advance of a full research team. Scanners report the atmosphere to be breathable, but are receiving confusing readings with regard to life forms. I am beaming down with a landing party composed of all our chief officers except for poor Scotty.
Supplement: Redshirt Riley has received a head injury, apparently while
exploring under a high rock shelf. He reports only hearing a loud sound and
jumping before being struck. After examination by Dr. McCoy he has been
judged capable of continuing duty.
Supplement: We have encountered an alien creature on this planet. While it does not itself seem menacing, a unfortunate occurance took place when it was present. Specifically, on my orders Lt. Sulu drew his phaser. The
creature disappeared leaving a puff of smoke, immediately following which a
loud noise was heard next to Sulu. Sulu fired, hitting Ens. Chekov. Oddly
enough, although Sulus weapon was set to stun, Chekov was also covered with
a black powder similar to soot. Mr. Chekov has been sent back to the ship for examination and quarantine.

Stardate 54326.2, Mr. Spock reporting: Tricorder readings indicate that the
creature we encountered earlier is constantly moving at great speed over the
surface of the planet. We have encountered the creature once again. In an
attempt to slow the creature for study, I attempted to fire on it. The
creature, however, appeared to move faster than the phaser beam.
Regretfully, the beam struck an outcropping of rock above the Captains
head, causing it to break off and fall. Although it appears that several
tons of rock fell squarely on the Captain, he was driven straight into the
ground but apparently not seriously injured, though stunned. The Captain
has been beamed up to Sickbay, leaving me in command of the research party.
Captains Log, Stardate 54342.1: The creature is still at large on the
planet surface. While Mr. Spock continues to lead a research party I am currently at work with Mr. Scott on an Acme Pressure Cooker for our lab, for
when the creature is finally apprehended.

Captains Log, stardate 54342.3. The strange occurrences that have dogged
the landing party since our arrival at this planet have led me to believe
that the creature is in some way directly responsible for them. Mr. Chekov
and I have both been declared fit for return to duty, though Dr. McCoy has
entered in his medical log that he feels we should be kept under
observation. Mr. Spock has constructed a device which he suspects should be
able to counteract the creatures incredible speed as follows: We have
placed a dish of birdseed out in the open, with several signs pointing to
it. The dish is atop a cleverly concealed trap door, which will open when
any weight falls on it. The creature will then travel a slide, eventually
being deposited in a cage constructed of sheets of transparent aluminum. We
will then be free to analyze it at our leisure. Meanwhile, I have forbidden
all beaming down to the surface of the planet except on my or Mr. Spocks
direct order.

Captains Log, supplemental. The plan failed. The creature was indeed
lured by the birdseed, as expected. It sped to the dish, consumed the bait,
and sped off without setting off the trap. Mr. Spock is as puzzled as I,
and has begun tests to discover the flaw in the design. I have sent out
three search parties to see if we can box the creature in, one headed by Mr.
Sulu, one by Mr. Chekov, and one by Sociologist Xontel.

Captains Log, stardate 54342.8. Sociologist Xontel has been temporarily
incapacitated. In pursuing the creature, he and his men somehow managed to cross the place where Mr. Spocks trap was set just as he completed the corrections to it. The trap was sprung, and all four of my men were suspended for a moment in mid-air, puzzled, just before they fell into the cage we constructed. We are now trying to release them with phasers, as the lock was inadvertently smashed by the impact from Sociologist Xontels foot as he fell. I consider this a major setback. Mr. Spock considers it fascinating.

Captains Log, stardate 54343.4. In an all-out attempt to stop the creature
once and for all, I have had a phaser rifle beamed down from the Enterprise.
The creature has behaved in an extremely cunning manner, yet I am unsure
whether this is a sign of actual intelligence. Lt. Uhura has been
unsuccessful in her attempts to raise Starfleet Command. Meanwhile, Mr.
Scott informs me that our dilithium crystals are deteriorating at an
alarming rate. He has jury-rigged a system that will prevent the decay for a
time, but it is imperative that we find new crystals soon.

Captains Log, supplemental. Mr. Sulu reports high energy tricorder
readings from an area of the planet in which the creature has not yet been
sighted. He has taken a small party, including Mr. Spock, to the high-elevation spot from which the readings emanate. I have begun to analyze the creatures movements. It seems to travel consistently over a set path. Perhaps we can corner it in a tunnel it seems to pass through frequently.

Captains Log, stardate 54344.7. Mr. Sulu has located a cache of ACME
dilithium crystals atop a high cliff. Regretfully, while collecting them,
the edge of the cliff broke off, and he and Mr. Spock plummetted several
hundred feet to the ground below. Strangely enough, they both survived the
fall with no more than raising a cloud of dust on impact, although they did
pass the chunk of rock on the way down and end up completely buried. A
rescue excavation has commenced, and they should be safe shortly.

Captains Log, stardate 54344.9. Mr. Spock has beamed up to the ship with
them to assist Mr. Scott in their installation, as he forsees compatability
problems. Back on the planets surface, Mr. Chekov led seven men into the
tunnel in an attempt to capture the creature in transit. A loud BEEP, BEEP
was heard, and Chekov aimed the phaser rifle and commanded his men to spread
out. I wish to state for the record that I would have acted similarly, and
that Ensign Chekov should in no way be held responsible for the unfortunate
circumstances arising from the unexpected appearance of an old Earth-style
freight train. He has been beamed back up to the ship with minor injuries.

Captains Log, stardate 54345.1. Dr. McCoy has beamed down with a hypo
containing a mixture of kyranide, tri-ox compound, Scalosian concentrate, a
theragram derivative, and some other items he found in unmarked containers
in Sickbay. By injecting a small amount into each member of the landing
party, I hope to be able to deal with the creature on its own high speed terms.

Captains Log, supplemental. The latest experiment to deal with the strange
creature has failed. As Dr. McCoy was injecting a measured dose of the
compound, it abruptly appeared behind him and uttered a loud BEEP, BEEP!
Dr. McCoy, understandably flustered, accidentally pressured in the entire
contents of the hypo into his arm. A full security team is in pursuit of
him, waiting for the effects of the drug to wear off.

Captains Log, stardate 54345.2. I have ordered the landing party
transported back to the ship. The new dilithium crystals have been
successfully installed. On my responsibility, the ship is preparing to
engage main phasers to attack the creature, which continues on its
semi-erratic course across the planets surface.

Captains Log, supplemental. This is a warning to all other starships that
may pass this way. Do not approach this planet! The illogical events
occuring here are too much to overcome with simple science. If you have
heard the events transcribed in the rest of this log, you will learn that
this creature is nearly undefeatable. We channelled full ships power
through the phaser banks. Theoretically, the creature should have been
destroyed; however, the energies were too much strain for the ACME crystals.
The full force of the phasers backlashed over the Enterprise, engulfing her
completely. At first, the only noticeable effect was a complete failure of
all systems save emergency gravity and life support. Then a web of black
lines spread through the Enterprises superstructure. Next, the ship began breaking up, piece by piece, falling through the atmosphere to land on the surface of the planet. When the ship had collapsed entirely, my crew was left hanging in space for a short time, and finally each of us began to fall to the planet below. We have no theories on how any of us survived, but every crewmember has reported nothing more than a sense of uneasiness, followed by the realization that they were several hundred miles up in the air, a sinking sensation, and then a gradual drop: first the feet, then the body, and finally the head, usually wearing a resigned expression of perplexion. We are attempting now to communicate with the creature in the hopes that it will prove
intelligent. Perhaps we can communicate our peaceful intentions to it. Mr.
Spock has constructed a crude rocket launcher from the wreckage of the ship,
and with this we hope to send the recorder marker up into space, where
hopefully someone will find it. Captain James T. Kirk, of the United
Federation of Planets, Captain of the Starship Enterprise, recording.

HOLIDAY RECIPE:

Step 1: Go buy a turkey

Step 2: Take a drink of Scotch

Step 3: Put turkey in the oven

Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of Scotch

Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens

Step 6: Take 3 more Scotchs of drink

Step 7: Turn oven the on

Step 8: Take 4 Scotchs of drinky

Step 9: Turk the bastey

Step 10: Scotch another bottle of get

Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer

Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of Scotchey

Step 13: Bake the Scotch for 4 hours

Step 14: Pour another Scotch of glassey

Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey

Step 16: Floor the turkey up off of the pick

Step 17: Turk the carvey

Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of Botch

Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey

Step 20: Bless the saying, pass and eat out

1. The Female always makes THE RULES.
2. THE RULES are subject to change without notice.
3. No Male can possible know all THE RULES.
4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all THE RULES, she must immediately change some of THE RULES.
5. The Female is never wrong.
6. If it appears the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding caused by something the Male did or said wrong.
7. If Rule #6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.
8. The Female can change her mind at any time.
9. The Male must never change his mind without the express, written consent of The Female.
10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female wants him to be angry or upset.
12. The Female must, under no circumstances, let the Male know whether she wants him to be angry or upset.
13. The Male is expected to read the mind of the Female at all times.
14. At all times, what is important is what the Female meant, not what she said.
15. If the Male doesnt abide by THE RULES, it is because he cant take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp.
16. If the Female has PMS, all THE RULES are null and void and the Male must cater to her every whim.
17. Any attempt to document THE RULES could result in bodily harm.
18. If the Male, at any time, believes he is right, he must refer to Rule #5.

The kindergartners were now in the first grade. Their teacher wanted them to be more grown up since they were no longer in kindergarten. She told them to use grown up words instead of baby words. She then asked them to tell her what they did during the summer.

The first little one said he went to see his Nana. The teacher said, No, No, you went to see your grandmother. Use the grown up word.

The next little one said she went for a trip on a choo-choo. The teacher again said, No, No, you went on a trip on a train. Thats the grown up word.

Then the teacher asked the third little one what he did during the summer. He proudly stated that he read a book. The teacher asked what book he had read.

He puffed out his chest and in a very adult way replied, Winnie the Shit.

Once there was a blonde driving home from work when she saw a sheep farm. She stops and asks the farmer if she can have a sheep. The farmer says "If you can count all my sheep Ill let you have any one you want." The blonde looks around her for a moment and says, "You have 356 sheep." The farmer exclaims, "Wow — youre exactly right. I guess blondes really arent dumb. Now go pick yourself out a sheep." The blonde makes her choice, picks it up, comes back to the farmer to thank him. "Oh no," he says, "you cant have that one." "Why not?" asks the blonde, "you said I could have any sheep I wanted." And the farmer says, "Maam, thats my dog."

You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to Georgia on My Mind.

You call your boss Buddy, on a regular basis.

You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.

Your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse.

Your insurance man is a redneck too if he pays you for it.

You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.