Como cualquier viernes, dos tipos salen de trabajar y uno le pregunta al otro:
¿Entonces, vamos a la fiesta?
No, no puedo ir, responde el amigo.
¿Por qué?
Pues es que mi mujer me amenazó ayer…
¡Ay, ay! ¿Y qué te dijo?
Me dijo: Mira cabrón, es hora de poner reglas; será mejor que llegues temprano porque en esta casa se coge a las 9:00 p.m. estés o no estés.
Oye mamá, ¿por qué mi papá tiene tan poco pelo?
Es que tu papá es muy inteligente y siempre está pensando.
Y entonces, ¿por qué tú tienes tanto pelo?
¡Cállate y cómete la sopa!
A guy walks into a bar with a monkey and orders a drink for himself. The bartender looks at the monkey and says to the guy, Hey, we have health standards here, get that monkey out of here!
Aw, says the guy, Hes Okay. Ill pay for any damages that he makes.
Ill at ease, the bartender agrees. After a few minutes, the monkey jumps from the bar over to the pool table, grabs the cue ball and swallows it.
Thats it! the bartender screams, Get that monkey out of here!
Hey, says the guy, its Okay. Look, Ill pay you for the cue ball and leave.
The guy drops a bill on the bar, gathers his monkey and leaves.
Two weeks later, the same guy with the same monkey show up at the same bar. The bartender, remembering the incident, says, Listen buddy, are you going to keep your monkey in line?
Yeah, says the guy, dont worry about any cue balls.
After a few minutes the monkey runs across the bar to a bowl of grapes and grabs one. He looks at the grape for a minute or two and promply shoves it up his rear end. Sitting there for a while, he then proceeds to eat the grapes one by one.
That has to be the grossest thing I ever saw in my life, says the bartender.
Yeah, says the guy, but after the cue ball, he began to size everything he eats.
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Darwin!
Darwin who?
Ill be Darwin you open the door!
Q: What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?
A: An interpreter.
1. The situation that results when one is uncertain as to when a project is
actually finished (and when, therefore, to stop revising it)
2. A condition sometimes afflicting Web sites, in which the Webmaster adds
so many bells and whistles that the whole thing is a mess
Banana problem is of fairly recent vintage, but its already turned up in
the venerable New York Times.
According to the New Hackers Dictionary, this handy expression refers to
the old joke about a youngster who said, I know how to spell banana . .
. but I dont know when to stop.
No, Charlie, the site looks great, but Im afraid if you insist on adding
the Dancing Mahirs AND that 12-minute video clip of yourself playing
ping-pong, were going to have a real banana problem on our hands.
Sister Mary Katherine lived in a convent, a block away from Jacks liquor
store. One day, in walked Sister Mary K. and said, Oh Jack, give me a pint
o the brandy.
Sister Mary Katherine, exclaimed Jack, I could never do that! I have
never sold alcohol to a nun in my life!
Oh, Jack, she responded, its only for the Mother Superior. Her voice
dropped. It helps her constipation, you know.
So Jack sold her the brandy. Later that night, Jack closed the store and
walked home. As he passed the convent, who should he see but Sister Mary
Katherine? And she was snookered. She was singing and dancing,whirling
around and flapping her arms like a bird, right there on the sidewalk.
A crowd was gathering. Jack pushed through and exclaimed, Sister Mary
Katherine! For shame! And you told me this was for the Mother Superiors
constipation!
Sister Mary Katherine didnt miss a beat as she replied, And so it is, me
lad, so it is. When she sees me, shes gonna shit!
Julie went to the doctors office. She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming.
As she ran down the hall, an older doctor stopped her and asked her what the problem was, and she explained what was wrong. He had her sit down and relax in another room.
The older doctor marched back to the new doctor and demanded, Whats the matter with you? Mrs. Jones is a 35 year old, she has four children, her husband had a vasectomy and you told her she was pregnant?
The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard. Cured her hiccups though, didnt I?
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a ditch?
Phil.
How Does a Person Decide Who to Marry?
You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the next one. Kally, age 9
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. Allan, age 10
No person really decides before they grow up who theyre going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you got to find out later who youre stuck with. Kirsten, age 10
Concerning the Proper Age to Get Married
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then! Cam, age 10
No age is good to get married at…. You got to be a fool to get married! Freddie, age 6
How Can a Stranger Tell if Two People are Married?
Married people usually look happy to talk to other people. Eddie, age 6
You might have to guess based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. Derrick, age 8
What Do You Think Your Mom and Dad Have in Common?
Both dont want no more kids. Lori, age 8
What Do Most People Do on a Date?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have somethingto say if you listen long enough. Lynnette, age 8
On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. Martin, age 10
What the Children Would Do on a First Date That Was Turning Sour
Id run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. Craig, age 9
When is It Okay to Kiss Someone?
When theyre rich! Pam, age 7
The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldnt want to mess with that. Curt, age 7
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them…. Its the right thing to do. Howard, age 8
The Great Debate: Is It Better to Be Single or Married?
I dont know which is better, but Ill tell you one thing … Im never going to have sex with my wife. I dont want to be all grossed out! Theodore, age 8
Its better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them! Anita, age 9
Single is better … for the simple reason that I wouldnt want to change no diapers… Of course, if I did get married, Id figure something out. Id just phone my mother and have her come over for some coffee and diaper-changing. Kirsten, age 10
What Advice Do You Have for a Young Couple About to Be Married?
The first thing Id say to them is: Listen up, youngins … I got something to say to you. Why in the heck do you wanna get married, anyway? Craig, age 9
What Promises Do a Man and a Woman Make When They Get Married?
A man and a woman promise to go through sickness and illness and diseases together. Marlon, age 10
How to Make a Marriage Work
Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck! Ricky, age 7
If you want to last with your man, you should wear a lot of sexy clothes…. Especially underwear that is red and maybe has a few diamonds on it. Lori, age 8
Getting Married for a Second Time
Most men are brainless, so you might have to try more than one to find a live one. Angie L., age 10
How Would the World Be Different if People Didnt Get Married?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldnt there? Kelvin, age 8
You can be sure of one thing – the boys would come chasing after us just the same as they do now! Roberta, age 7