Old and New Jokes

yo mamma so fat i have to strap a 2×4 to my ass every time i have sex with her so i dont fall in.

Buffet the Vampire Slayer

…then skydiving is not for you.

Whats the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche???
With a Porsche, the prick is on the inside!!!!

Two mexicans walk into a drug store (walgreens) and they are passing by the condoms section and one asked the other what this 6 pack of condoms was for and he says,thats for us Mexicans one for monday, one for tuesday,one for wednesday, one for thursday, one for friday, one for saturday, and never on sunday. He does the sign of the cross.Then there walking along again and then he sees an 8 pack and he asks him what that was for and he says thats for the black people one for monday, one for tuesday,one for wednesday, one for thursday, one for friday, one for saturday,and twice on sunday.Then they walk along again and one mexican sees a 12 and aked what that was for and the mexican says thats for the white people one for january, one for february,one for march………

With more than twelve billion catalogs being mailed annually, its little wonder that marketers are distributing mailing lists anywhere possible. In one particularly cruel move, the proprietors of a chocolate catalog purchased the mailing list of a weight-loss organization. Chocolate sales rose almost immediately, but the weight-loss group wised up and now keeps it clients names to itself.

On reaching his plane seat, a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him.

He asks the stewardess for a coffee whereupon the parrot squawks, And get me a whisky, you cow!

The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.

When this omission is pointed out to her, the parrot drains its glass and bawls And get me another whisky you witch!

Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.

Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man tries the parrots approach. Ive asked you twice for a coffee! Go and get it now or Ill kick your ass!

Suddenly, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards.

Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says…
For someone who cant fly, you sure are a ballsy bastard!

A teacher decides that she is going to teach her second grade class a new word today. She tells them that the word is "definitely" and its meaning is "absolute, positive, without a doubt." She asks the class if anyone can think of a sentence with the word in it. She calls on little Susan who is in the back raising her hand, quite sure of herself. Susan stands up and says, "The sky is definitely blue." The teacher replies to her, "Well, thats a good sentence but sometimes the sky is gray, and sometimes its cloudy, and sometimes its red and pink so the sky is not definitely blue. Anyone else?" Toms hand flies up and she calls on him. Tom answers, "The water is definitely clear." "Well, Tom thats a good sentence but sometimes the water is muddy, and sometimes its green, and sometimes its full of seaweed so its not definitely clear. Anyone else?" Finally, in the far corner, little Robert slowly raises his hand. "Yes, Robert?" asks the teacher. "Can I ask a question, teacher?" Robert replies. "Yes." "Do farts have lumps?" "No. Why do you ask." "Well, then Ive definitely pooped in my pants."

A terrible flood hit a small town, sending the rescue units out. It just so happened that a devoutley religioius woman lived in this town when the flood hit, and she sat down to wait for God to save her.

When the first rescue boat came in the worker called for her to come out but she just shook her head and said Thank you, but my God will save me. Shaking his head the rescue worker moved on. The waters rose and she climbed to the second story of her home to wait for God.

A second boat came by and the worker called out Listen lady weve got to get you out of here! Once again she thanked him profusely and said My God will save me.

The waters rose a third time forceing her to her roof. The water was just closing around her ankels when a third boat came by. Lady, Im the last boat out if you dont come now youre going to die. She just smiled My God will save me she said quietly. Frustrated the worker moved on.

The waters rose once again leaving her standing on her chimney. She heard a huge rukus above her head and when she looked up she saw an emergency helicopter. This is it lady, you have to come now or we wont be able to save you. Still she refused to go.

The waters rose a final time dragging her under and she was drowned. When she got to heaven, the Lord asked her if she had any questions, and in a timid voice she replied.

You said if I followed you, you would always save me. Why didnt you save me from that flood? God looked at her in shocked disbelief and said: My child I sent three boats and a helicopter for you… What else did you want!

Your co-worker tells you they have eight body piercings – and none
are visible.

When someone says tenderloin – you dont think steak. You think
danger.

You make well over $100,000 and you still cant find a nice place
to live.

You think anyone who drives a car to work is decadent.

You keep a list of companies to boycott.

You would never dream of crossing a picket line.

You take the bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a
conversation in English.

You realize there are far more Rainbow flags in the city than
California State Flags.

The guy who cuts your hair is straight, and your plumber is gay.

The woman who delivers your mail is straight and your Mary Kay
Lady is gay.

Old friends you havent talked to in years suddenly call and ask
do you have a spare bedroom for a weekend?

You think anyone wearing a George Clooney haircut is visiting from
the Midwest.

You cant remember… Is pot still illegal?

You go to your office managers baby shower – the parents are
named Judy and Becky.

You give a thumbs up gesture to a car with a Free Tibet bumper
sticker – and you mean it.

You have a very strong opinion where your coffee beans are grown,
and are willing to fight about it.

A really great parking spot can move you to tears.

You prefer the Spanish Soaps on TV – the guys are much hotter!

You know that anyone wearing shorts in June is just visiting from
Ohio.

A man walks on MUNI in full leather regalia and crotch less chaps.
You dont notice.

You still cant believe a company doesnt offer domestic partner
benefits.

You curse those damn tourists – but always stop to help a cute guy
or gal who is looking puzzled at a city map.

When you drive under an underpass – for one moment you think
earthquake.

Your boss runs in The Bay to Breakers… its the first time you
have seen him nude.

Your childs 3rd grade teacher has a nose ring and is named
Breeze.

You havent been to Fishermans Wharf since the first month you
moved to the bay.

You are thinking of taking an adult ed class – but you cant
decide between a Yoga, Channeling or Building Your Web Site class.

Your new neighbor goes to temple – but you are still not sure if
they are Jewish or Buddhist.

You realize the only Republicans you know are your Aunt and Uncle
in Georgia.