Old and New Jokes

Patient: Doctor, you must help me. Im under such a lot of stress, I keep losing my temper with people.

Doctor: Tell me about your problem.

Patient: I just did, didnt I, you stupid bastard!!!!!

Winston Peters is visiting a school.
In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offersthat, if my best friend who lives next door was playing in the street when a car came along and killed him, that would be a tragedy.
No, Winston says, That would be an ACCIDENT.
A girl raises her hand. If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved… that would be a tragedy. Im afraid not, explains Winston, that is what we would call a GREAT LOSS.
The room is silent, none of the other children volunteer. What? asks Winston, isnt there any one here who can give me an example of a tragedy?
Finally, a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says: If an airplane carrying Winston Peters was blown up by a bomb, THAT would be a tragedy.
Wonderful! Winston beams. Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy? Well, says the boy, because it wouldnt be an accident, and it certainly wouldnt be a great loss!

Una hermosa mujer estaba paseando por un área rural, cuando vio una huerta y se le ocurrió entrar. Ya dentro, encontró una hermosa piscina y, como no se veía nadie alrededor, decidió nada totalmente desnuda. Así que vio para todos lados, no vio a nadie y se desvistió. Cuando estaba a punto de tirarse al agua, apareció el dueño de la huerta, que había estado escondido todo el tiempo detrás de unos arbustos y le dijo que estaba prohibido nadar.

¡Podía haberme dicho eso antes de que me desvistiera!, le reclamó ella.

¡Está prohibido nadar, pero no desvestirse!

If you step out of a short line for a second, it becomes a long line.

Did you hear about the rocket that was launched in West Virginia?

– It got up to 300 feet but ran out of coal!

A boy is watching television and hears the name Jesus Christ. Wondering who Jesus Christ is, he asks his mother. She tells him that she is busy, and to ask his father. His father is also busy so he asks his brother. His brother kicks him out of the room because he doesnt have time to answer his stupid questions, so he goes downtown and sees a bum in an alley.

He asks the bum, Whos Jesus Christ?

The bum replies, Well, I am.

The boy, not believing the bum, asks for proof. So the bum takes the boy into the bar down the street and takes him inside. They walk up to the bar and the bartender exclaims, Jesus Christ, are you in here again?

George Bush and George Bush were dragging the deer they had just shot back to their truck. Another hunter approached, pulling his along, too.

Sirs, I dont want to tell you how to do something, he said, But I can tell you that its much easier if you drag the deer the other way. Then the antlers wont dig into the ground.

After the third hunter left, they decided to try it. A little while later George said to George, You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!

Yeah, says George, but were getting farther from the truck.

A man goes to the confessional and begins Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.

What is your sin, my son? the priest asks back.Well, the man starts, I used some horrible language this week and I feel absolutely terrible. When did you use this awful language? asks the priest.

I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards.

Is that when you swore? No, Father, says the man.

After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away.

Is THAT when you swore? asks the Father again. Well, no, says the man.

You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!

Is THAT when you swore? asks the amazed Priest. No, not yet, the man replies.

As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew toward the green. As it passed over a a bit of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball.

Did you swear THEN? asks the now impatient Priest.

No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and stopped within six inches of the hole.

The Priest sighs, You missed the putt, didnt you?!?

An hot shot East Coast newspaper reporter was on assignment in West Virginia, when he struck up a conversation with a young lady in a bar.

After a half dozen drinks, he suggested they get their own bottle and retire to his motel room and she readily agreed. Say, how old are you anyway? the reporter asked as the obviously young lass was disrobing.

Thirteen, she replied with a shy smile.

Thirteen??? My God girl!!! You get those clothes back on at once at get the hell outta here! Are you crazy? he thundered.

Pausing briefly at the door as she left, the perplexed nymphet smiled and said, Superstitious, huh?

Q: How are Fred Flintstone and Sadam Hussein alike?

A: Whenever they look out the window all they see is rubble.