Old and New Jokes

Q. How do you drown a blonde?

A. Put a scratch n sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool.

Q. Hear about the blonde that bought an AM radio?

A. It took her a month to figure out she could play it at night too.

Q. What did the blonde say when she saw the banana peel on the floor?

A. Oh no, Im going to fall again!

Q. How can you tell a blonde has used your computer?

A. There is white out on the screen.

Q. Why are blondes like 7-Eleven stores?

A. Open 24 hours a day.

Q. Why did the blonde throw bread crumbs down the toilet?

A. To feed the toilet duck!

Q. Whats the difference between a blonde and a pair of sun glasses?

A. The sun glasses sit higher on your face.

A southern minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great expression he said, If I had all the beer in the world, Id take it and pour it into the river. With even greater emphasis he said, And if I had all the wine in the world, Id take it and pour it into the river. And then finally, he said, And if I had all the whiskey in the world, Id take it and pour it into the river. Sermon complete, he then sat down.
The song leader stood very cautiously and announced, For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365: Shall We Gather at the River.

There was this family who lived in the country, and the father took his boy out shooting. When they came back later that day the father put his BB gun on the top of the stove and hurried to the bathroom.

He set it down so fast and hard that it opened and the BBs from the gun went right into mothers spagetti sauce. She had seen the BBs and just figured that they couldnt hurt anyone, so she just served dinner anyways.

Later that night the little girl ran down stairs saying, mommy mommy I just peed BBs! Well did it hurt you said the mom. No said the girl. Ok then don;t worry it will go away.

Then the little boy runs down stairs, mommy mommy I just peed BBs! Well did it hurt she says? No says the boy. Ok then dont worry about it, it will go away.

Later that night the father rushes down the stairs with his pants down – honey, honey, I was just up stairs jacking off and I shot the dog!

Doctor: Youre in good health. Youll live to be

80. Patient: But, doctor, I am 80 right now. Doctor: See, what did I tell you!

Two men are walking along the beach on day when they find a bottle buried in the sand. As they are brushing the sand off, a genie pops out and tells them he will give each of them one wish.

After thinking a moment the first man says, I wish I were the worlds smartest man.

Done, says the genie, and the man suddenly starts explaining Einstein’s Theory of Relativity to his friend.

The second man thinks for a moment, then says, I want to be smarter than him!

Done, says the genie, and turns him into a woman!

A priest, Baptist minister & a rabbi were having lunch when the priest & minister started talking about fishing. you know, said the rabbi, I should take up fishing. Well, said the priest, come with us. Were going this afternoon. Theyre out in the boat fishing when suddenly the priest steps out of the boat & walks a few yards away & begins fishing. The rabbi is dumbfounded seeing the priest walk on water. A while later the minister joins the priest.The rabbi is shocked. Finally he thinks, my faith is as strong as theirs. If they can walk on water so can I. He steps out of the boat & almost drowns. He struggles back in the boat. Soon, he tries again with the same result. The priest looks over at the minister & says, ya think we should tell that stupid son of a bitch where the rocks are?

If everything seems to go right, check your zipper.

I was driving through downtown San Antonio with my boss when we passed a
sign reading Museum of Texas Culture.

Huh. That ought to take about ten minutes to see, I scoffed.

Without missing a beat my boss replied, Why in Gods name would you want
to go through twice?

The person who spends all of today bragging about what he is going to
accomplish tomorrow probably did the very same thing yesterday.

Going the speed of light is bad for your age.