I was in las Vegas, when a man walked up to me and sir do you have a extra $
20.00, my wife needs an operation that costs $
1000.
00. I have $
980.00 and just need the last $
20.00
Well I thought about, when I ask the man, how will I know that you are going to walk into that casino and gamble it away.
Well the man replied No sir… I have money for gambling.
Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.
Im out of bed and dressed, What more do you want?
Happiness is a belt-fed weapon
3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who cant.
2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.
MY CHILD was trustee of the month at ELMWOOD!!
BAD COP! – NO DONUT!!!
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
Q: How many dentists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to administer the anaesthetic, one to extract the lightbulb, and one to offer the socket some vile pink mouthwash.
A blonde phoned police to report that thieves had been in her car.
Theyve stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator, she cried out.
However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line.
Nevermind, I got in the back seat by mistake.
A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, Hey lady, you are really ugly. The lady was furious!
She stormed past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, Hey lady, you are really ugly. She was incredibly ticked now.
The next day the same parrot again said to her, Hey lady, you are really ugly. The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and to get rid of the bird if they didnt do something about it. The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didnt say it again.
When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, Hey lady. She paused and said, Yes? And the bird replied, You know.
The Captain called the Sergeant in. Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me.
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. Listen up, men, says the Sergeant. Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander.
Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldnt you be a bit more tactful, next time?
Yes, sir, answered the Sarge.
A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGraths mother died. Youd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful.
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. Ok, men, fall in and listen up. Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward. Not so fast, McGrath!
What was the working title for Mel Gibsons movie The Patriot?
Braveheart II: Men in Pants
Picassos mistress was losing her eyesight so he took her to an opthomologist in Paris. Upon examination, the doctor reported that nothing could be done and she would soon become blind. Picasso then sought out the best eye doctor in all of France, but got the same prognosis. He even took her to the best doctor in all of Europe, to no avail.
He then decided to take her for a trip around the world so that she could see the sights before totally losing eyesight. They were in San Francisco when they saw a sign reading Sam Smith-Eye Doctor, Free Consultation. Picasso figured that it couldnt do any harm to try this doctor as she was going to be blind anyway.
After a thorough examination, Dr. Smith reported that when he did an operation in cases like hers that it would cure her. Picasso agreed to have the operation performed.
After the operation and a few weeks of recovery, the doctor removed the bandages, and what do you know, she could see 20/20. Picasso was overjoyed and said ,Doctor, tell me your fee. I am a very rich man and will pay whatever you ask.
Mr. Picasso, the doctor replied I only ask my usual fee of $100.
Well then, continued Picasso, To reward you handsomely, I will paint a mural on your waiting room wall. When I am finished, we will invite the art critics to see it.
The doctor agreed to this offer because the room needed a paint job anyway. So Picasso labors behind a curtain for three weeks and when he is finished, invitations are sent to the press for a showing.
On the chosen date the critics crowd into the waiting room and when all are ready, Picasso pulls down the curtain and there on the wall is a great big eye. Thats all, just a giant size eye.
Great, the critics all exclaim. This is one of Picassos greatest masterpieces.
Picasso nudges the doctor and says Well, Sam, what did I tell you?
The doctor replies Its a good thing Im not a gynecologist!
A mother was anxiously awaiting her daughters plane. She had just come back from a far away land trying to find adventure.
As the daughter was exiting the plane, the mother noticed a man directly behind her daughter dressed in feathers with exotic markings all over his body and carrying a shrunken head. The daughter introduced this man as her new husband.
The mother gasped in disbelief and disappointment and screamed,
I said for you to marry a Rich Doctor! a Rich Doctor!