Old and New Jokes

Theres no Donny & Marie Hanukkah Special
Eight days of presents (in theory, anyway).
No need to clean the chimney.
Theres no latke-nog.
Burl Ives doesnt sing Hanukkah songs.
You wont be pressured to buy Hanukkah Seals.
You wont see, Youre a Putz, Charlie Brown.
No barking dog version of I had a Little Driedl.
No pine needles to vacuum up afterwards.
Blintzes are cheaper to mail than fruitcakes.

Our local cable company recently took over one of the channels and began 24-hour adverstising on it.

One of the programmes is called The Dating Network (TM) and consists of people placing personal ads on for this hour that its on every night.

Cable advertises the show on other stations, and the ad goes something like this: Successful singles dont do to singles bars! They dont go on special singles cruises! No, successful singles use The Dating Network (TM)…

Now, correct me if Im wrong, but isnt the object of going to bars and cruises and The Dating Network (TM) to be *un*successful at being single…?

Turning back to football (some call it soccer!), our local ABC affiliate, the one that blocks out NYPD Blue with Baywatch cause NYPD Blue really isnt quality programming, refuses to cover the World Cup.

They announced that they didnt feel that the audience would be strong enough to show the matches, so theyre instead showing movies during the game. Movies like Blind Date (it had Bruce Willis – if you didnt see it, dont feel left out, cause no one else did either) and Mannequin 2: On the Move.

Boy, Id much rather watch these winners than see a sporting event that takes place once evry four years and for the first time is being played in this *great* country of ours…

-Ben Scripps
Central Michigan University

Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in West Virginia as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Other-wise, its total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, hes finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded West Virginian standing there. Names Enoch. Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge. Havin a party Saturday. Thought youd like to come.

Great, says Sam. After six months of this Im ready to meet some local folks. Thank you. As Enoch is leaving he stops, Gotta warn you, theres gonna be some drinkin.

Not a problem. After 25 years in the computer business, I can do that with the best of them.

Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. More n likely gonna be some fightin, too.

Damn, Sam thinks… tough crowd. Well, I get along with people. Ill be there. Thanks again.

Once again Enoch turns from the door. Ive seen some wild sex at these parties, too.

Now thats not a problem, says Sam. Remember Ive been alone for six months! Ill definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear to the party?

Enoch stops in the door again and says, Whatever you want. Its just gonna be the two of us.

IBM Project Management Axiom: Need for project modifications increases proportionally to project completion.

10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE PMS

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.

2. Youre adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.

3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.

4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.

5. Youre using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says, Hows my driving – call 1-800-***-****.

6. Everyones head looks like an invitation to batting practice.

7. Youre convinced theres a God and hes male.

8. Youre counting down the days until menopause.

9. Youre sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.

10. The Motrin bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

A Cardiologist came up with a new operating procedure that would cut down the time that heart surgery would take and would cause less trauma to the patient. He was praised by his peers when he presented it at a convention in Washington D.C. He was also paid $50,000 to present his find. He did a couple more of these presentations and realized that it would be more lucrative to do lectures on his find than to work as a surgeon. So he decided to do the lectures full-time. He hired a driver and purchased a limousine.

One day, after hed been doing the lecture circuit for about 6 months, his driver turns to him and says, You know…. This is completely unfair.

What do you mean? asks the surgeon.

Well, you get paid $50,000 every time you do this lecture and thats more than I get paid in a year, replies the driver.

The surgeon explains to him that it is a very complicated procedure and that he is the only person that can give this lecture.

Thats not true. I can do your lecture blindfolded. I have seen you do your lecture so many times that I know it by heart, says the driver.

Well if thats the case, Ill tell you what. You do this lecture and you can keep the $50,000 if you do it right. replies the surgeon.

The driver replies, Ok. Youre on.

So when they arrive at the lecture hall, the surgeon and the driver change coats and the surgeon puts on the drivers hat and sits in the back of the room.

The driver nails the presentation. Not only that, he also answers all the questions without any problems. Just when the driver thinks hes done, an audience member, wearing a lab coat and tape covered glasses stands up and asks a complex question that the driver is not able to answer.

You know… says the driver, I have done this lecture 287 times and I have never been asked such a stupid question. As a matter of fact, that question is SO stupid that I am going to let my driver answer it.

A womans garden is growing beautifully but the darn tomatos wont ripen.
Theres a limit to the number of uses for green tomatos and shes getting
tired of it.

So she goes to her neighbor and says, Your tomatos are ripe, mine are green.
What can I do about it?

Her neighbor replies, Well, it may sound absurd but heres what to do.
Tonight theres no moon. After dark go out into your garden and take all your
clothes off. Tomatos can see in the dark and theyll be embarrassed and
blush. In the morning theyll all be red, youll see.

Well, what the heck? She does it.

Next day her neighbor asks how it worked.

So-so, she answers. The tomatos are still green but the cucumbers are
all four inches longer.

–Dick Wexelblat {seismo|ihnp4|decvax}!philabs!rlw
rlw@philabs.philips.com

A three year old walked over to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctors office.

He inquisitively ask the lady, Why is your stomach so big?

She replied, Im having a baby.

With big eyes, he asked, Is the baby in your stomach?

She said, He sure is.

Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, Is it a good baby?

She said, Oh, yes. Its a real good baby.

With an even more surprised and shocked look, he asked…

Then why did you eat him?

An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his banker and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home.

When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything.

Both the banker and lawyer were touched and flattered that the preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled. The preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them. They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness, and avaricious behavior that made them squirm in their seats.

Finally, the banker asked, Preacher, why did you ask us to come?

The old preacher mustered up his strength and then said weakly, Jesus died between two thieves, and thats how I want to go.

10. They have about 20 miles before they overheat, breakdown or run out of gas.
9. Only the owner knows how to operate the door to get in or out.
8. It is difficult to drive fast with all the fence tools, grease rags, ropes, chains, syringes, buckets, boots and loose papers in the cab.
7. It takes too long to start, and the smoke coming up through the rusted-out floorboard clouds your vision.
6. The Border Collie on the toolbox looks mean.
5. Theyre too easy to spot. The description might go something like this: The drivers side door is red, the passenger side door is green, the right front fender is yellow, etc.
4. The large round bale in the back makes it hard to see if youre being chased. You could use the mirrors if they werent cracked and covered with duct tape.
3. Top speed is approximately 45 mph.
2. Who wants to steal a truck that needs a years worth of maintenance, u-joints, $3,000 in body work, tail-lights and windshield?
1. It is hard to commit a crime with everyone waving at you.