Old and New Jokes

Two very drunk hillbillies were driving down a mountain road when suddenly they blew a tire, lost control of the car and went sailing over the cliffs edge.

As they plummeted downward, the hillbilly on the passenger side screamed hysterically, Oh, my God, Clem, were gonna die!

Aw, dont worry about a thing, Clem reassured him, looking below. Theres a stop sign at the bottom.

The hillbilly was whitewashing the interior of his country outhouse and had the misfortune of falling through the opening. Standing knee-deep in shit, he hollered, Fire! Fire! Fire! at the top of his lungs. The local fire department responded to the alarm on the double, with tires squealing and sirens screaming as they skidded to a halt in front of the privy.

Wheres the fire? called the chief.

Aint no fuckin fire, replied the farmer as they hoisted him out of the two-holer, but who the hell wouldve rescued me if Id yelled, Shit! Shit! Shit!?

Theres never been a macho Acapulco Man advertising campaign.
You dont see groups of stoners huddled around office building doorways in the rain.
No toothpastes are available to get rid of embarassing THC stains on your teeth.
The Spliffs Annual Tennis Classic didnt happen this year.
There are no Senators who identify themselves as being from marijuana states.
No drug kingpin (or other CEO) has lied before Congress about the addictiveness of marijuana.
Uh … wow, what was the question again?
Clinton has definitely inhaled tobacco.
Youll never, ever find the end of a marijuana cigarette on a sidewalk or in a public toilet.

… and the Number One difference between marijuana and tobacco:

Five years imprisonment and a $50,000 dollar fine!

Clinton only lacks three things to become one of Americas finest leaders: Integrity, vision, and wisdom.

Last night I went home to my blonde girlfriend, and told her I was going to screw her brains out.



Then I realized I was too late.

There was a farmer who was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers, called pullets, and 8 or 10 roosters whose job was to fertilize the eggs. He kept records and any rooster or pullet that didnt perform well went into the pot and was replaced. Now this took an awful lot of time. So when the farmer saw a set of 8 tiny bells that each rang a different tone he promptly bought them.

He glued a piece of foam rubber to each clapper shaft so the bell wouldnt ring except when violently shaken. He hung a bell on each roosters neck and went and mixed a Mint Julep. Now he could sit on the porch and sip while filling out an efficiency report on the roosters by listening to the different tones of the bells and marking down each encounter.



The farmers favorite rooster was old Brewster. Brewster was a fine specimen, but his bell didnt ring all morning. He went to investigate.



Several roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-ringing. Brewster had his bell in his beak so it couldnt ring. Hed sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. Chagrined at first, the Farmer was soon so proud of Brewster he entered him in the county fair.



Brewster was an overnight sensation. They not only awarded him the No Bell prize but also the Pullet Surprise.

It was the first day of school and a new student, Suzuki, son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade class. The teacher said, Lets begin by reviewing some American history.

Who said, Give me Liberty or give me Death ? She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzukis

Patrick Henry 1775, he said.

Very good! Who said …government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?

Again, no response, except from Suzuki. Abraham Lincoln, 1863.

The teacher snapped, Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do.

She heard a loud whisper, Screw the Japs.

Who said that? she demanded.

Suzuki raised his hand: Lee Iacocca, 1982.

At that point a student said, Im gonna puke. The teacher glared and asked, All right! Who said that?

Suzuki says, George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.

Furious, another student yells, Oh yeah? Suck this!

Suzuki jumps up waving his hand and shouts, Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!

With near mob hysteria, someone screams, You little shit. If you say anything else, Ill kill you.

Suzuki yells, Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001.

At this, the teacher fainted. The class gathered around her.

One of the kids says, Oh shit, were in BIG trouble!

Suzuki says, Arthur Andersen, 2002.

Texans are living proof that Indians screwed buffaloes.

Q: Name a clock, a jock and a crock.

A: Big Ben, Joe Nameth and the candidates campaign promises.

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, …. and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, The sky is falling, the sky is falling!

The teacher paused then asked the class, And what do you think that farmer said?
One little girl raised her hand and said, I think he said: Holy Shit! A talking chicken!

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Ahmal. The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, Theyre twins! If youve seen Juan, youve seen Ahmal.