Old and New Jokes

A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.

Just before someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in
their stomach?

A couple drove down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither would concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, Relatives of yours? Yep, the husband replied. In-laws.

There is no such thing as child-proofing your house

If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite

A 4 years-olds voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant

If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong

enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a

superman cape

It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of a

20 by 20 foot room

Baseballs make marks on ceilings.

You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.

When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a

few times before you get a hit.

A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

The glass in windows (even double pane) doesnt stop a baseball hit

by a ceiling fan.

When you hear the toilet flush and the words Uh-oh; its already

too late.

Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36

year old man says they can only do it in the movies

A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.

If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it

does not leak – it explodes.

A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house

4 inches deep.

Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old

Duplos will not.

Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.

Super glue is forever.

McGyver can teach us many things we dont want to know. Ditto Tarzan.

No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still cant

walk on water.

Pool filters do not like Jello.

VCRs do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show

they do.

Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

Always look in the oven before you turn it on.

Plastic toys do not like ovens.

Your fire department in has at least a 5 minute response time.

The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.

It will however make cats dizzy.

Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

Quiet does not necessarily mean dont worry.

A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life

(unfortunately, mostly in retrospect)

2:00 AM is not a good time to hear, Daddy, diapers dont flush!

No time is a good time to hear, Daddy, your tires are hisssssing.

You never want to hear, Watch me fly! coming from the roof>

Nor do you want to hear, Your new cell phone doesnt work underwater.

Driveway seal coating and children DO NOT MIX!

Never light fireworks inside.

Under the bed is not a good place to save snowballs for summer.

Daddys shoe is not a good home for a pet tarantula.

Hiding uneaten vegetables in daddys shoes is not good.

Bugs are not a dietary supplement.

Walnuts make the blender act funny.

Scissors and hair are often a dangerous combination.

Collecting things is good.

Collecting things that come out of your nose is not.

Eating string is a bad hobby.

Discovering string the next day is a disgusting hobby.

Finger painting is good.

Finger painting walls is dangerous.

If you hear the words, Can ya eat a lizards tail?

Its too late!

If you hear the words, Guess whats in my hands.

You dont want to know.

If you hear the words, Guess whats in my mouth.

You REALLY dont want to know!

Fan and flour should never be heard in the same sentence.

The toilet does not make a permanent fish aquarium.

Most toilets can not consume an entire roll of toilet paper

without choking.

Any sentence which contains the word Oooops is bad.

Any sentence beginning with, How much do you love me?

means prepare for bad news

Throwing daddys wallet in the trash compactor can change his mood.

Opening all 24 of daddys cans of beer is a bad idea.

Hiding parts of daddys computer can make your butt hurt.

Lipstick on the TV screen changes mommys mood.

Fish can not use a remote control, even if placed in their tank.

Why do fish float? means trouble.

Any sentence beginning with, When [your pets name] dies…

is never a good sign.

Setting the hamsters free changes the cats mood.

Cats do not like to be wrapped in duct tape.

Cats get even.

There were two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school and were both virgins and enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast.

They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together. As time went on, the guy would call the girl but she was never home and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return any letters. Even when he e-mailed her, she took days to return his messages. Finally, she confessed to him that she wanted to date around. He didnt take this very well and increased his calls and letters and e-mails trying to win back her love. Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back. So what she did was this:

She took a polaroid picture of her sucking her new
boyfriends unmentionables and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone. Well needless to say, this guy was heartbroken, but even more so, he
was pissed. So what he did next was awesome:

He wrote on the back of the photo the following: Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money! and then mailed the picture to her parents.

You want to slap the next person who says, Must be nice to have all your holidays and summers free. You can tell its a full moon without ever looking outside. You believe shallow gene pool should have its own box on the report card. When out in public, you feel the urge to talk to strange children and correct their behavior. When you mention vegetables and youre not talking about a food group. You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce. You wonder how some parents ever MANAGED to reproduce. You cant have children of your own, because there is NO name you could give a child that wouldnt bring on high blood pressure the moment you heard it. Meeting a childs parents INSTANTLY answers the question, Why is this kid like this?

Q: Whats the difference between a whore and a bitch?

A: A whore sleeps with everyone at the party.

A bitch sleeps with everyone at the party except you.

One day an american guy visits spain.after watching an exciting bull fight,he goes into a restaurant for dinner.while he waits for his meal, a waitor walks by with a steaming plate of food. the american guy asks the waitor what it is. the waitor relpies that it is bulls testicles from thefight. wlling to try anything once, the american orders one for the next day……

the next afternoon, the american walks into the restaurant and sits down to his meal. when he sees the waitor, hetells him they are delicious, but why are they so much smaller than the ones yesterday? then the waitor tells him, sometimes the bull wins!

Q: Whats the blondes cheer?

A: Im blonde, Im blonde, Im B. L. O. N. . . . ah, oh well. . Im blonde, Im blonde, yea yea yea. . .

Q: What did the blonde do when she locked her keys in her car?

A: She had to break a window to get out!