Old and New Jokes

¡Doctor, me siento mal, todo me da vueltas, además me arde el corazón!

Mire, señora… primero, no soy doctor, soy cantinero. Segundo, usted no está enferma, está borracha. Y tercero, no le arde el corazon, ¡tiene una teta en el cenicero!

Q: Why dont women have watches?

A: Because there is a clock on the stove.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.

A cat who can settle a dispute between 2 mice.

Death is lifes way of telling you youve been fired.

Constipated People Dont Give A Crap.
Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself.
If You Dont Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.
Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point.
If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.
Thank You For Pot Smoking.
Impotence: Natures Way Of Saying No Hard Feelings.
If You Can Read This, Ive Lost My Trailer.
The Earth Is Full – Go Home
I Have The Body Of A God….Buddha
This Would Be Really Funny If It Werent Happening To Me
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
The Face Is Familiar But I Cant Quite Remember My Name
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
Illiterate? Write For Help
Honk If Anything Falls Off
He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit
Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket?
Its Been Lovely But I Have To Scream Now
I Havent Lost My Mind, Its Backed Up On Disk Somewhere
If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then Youre Doing It Wrong…
Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph.
If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?
Necrophillia: That Uncontrollable Urge To Crack Open A Cold One.
Ax Me About Ebonics
Boldly Going Nowhere
Cat: The Other White Meat
Caution – Driver Legally Blonde!
Dont Be Sexist – Broads Hate That
Heart Attacks… Gods Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends
Honk If Youve Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window
How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?
If You Cant Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With Bullets.
Saw It… Wanted It… Had A Fit… Got It!
What Has Four Legs And An Arm? A Happy Pit Bull

Patient: Doctor, you must help me. Im under such a lot of stress, I keep losing my temper with people.

Doctor: Tell me about your problem.

Patient: I just did, didnt I, you stupid bastard!!!!!

Winston Peters is visiting a school.
In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offersthat, if my best friend who lives next door was playing in the street when a car came along and killed him, that would be a tragedy.
No, Winston says, That would be an ACCIDENT.
A girl raises her hand. If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved… that would be a tragedy. Im afraid not, explains Winston, that is what we would call a GREAT LOSS.
The room is silent, none of the other children volunteer. What? asks Winston, isnt there any one here who can give me an example of a tragedy?
Finally, a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says: If an airplane carrying Winston Peters was blown up by a bomb, THAT would be a tragedy.
Wonderful! Winston beams. Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy? Well, says the boy, because it wouldnt be an accident, and it certainly wouldnt be a great loss!

Una hermosa mujer estaba paseando por un área rural, cuando vio una huerta y se le ocurrió entrar. Ya dentro, encontró una hermosa piscina y, como no se veía nadie alrededor, decidió nada totalmente desnuda. Así que vio para todos lados, no vio a nadie y se desvistió. Cuando estaba a punto de tirarse al agua, apareció el dueño de la huerta, que había estado escondido todo el tiempo detrás de unos arbustos y le dijo que estaba prohibido nadar.

¡Podía haberme dicho eso antes de que me desvistiera!, le reclamó ella.

¡Está prohibido nadar, pero no desvestirse!