Old and New Jokes

A three year old walked over to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctors office.



He inquisitively ask the lady, Why is your stomach so big?

She replied, Im having a baby.



With big eyes, he asked, Is the baby in your stomach?

She said, He sure is.



Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, Is it a good baby?

She said, Oh, yes. Its a real good baby.



With an even more surprised and shocked look, he asked…

Then why did you eat him?

What do you call a dog that hears voices?

A Shih-Tzu-Phrenic!

In Church on Sunday morning, The preacher was standing up at the pulpit preaching a sermon. After speaking for about 10 minutes he said…

If I had all the beer in the world, Id throw it in the river!

Then he talked some more and a little while later he said….

If I had all the wine in the world, Id throw it in the river!

After that statement, he kept ranting and raving untill about 15 minutes later when he said…

If i had all the whiskey in the world, Id throw it in the river!

Then he talked for a few more minutes and sat down.

Then, the choir director stood up and with a sheepish smile on her face she said:

now will the congregation please stand and join us in singing hymn number 134,

LETS ALL GATHER AT THE RIVER!

If you get in my way, Ill kill you!
— ideal project manager

If you get in my way, youll kill me!
— somewhat less than ideal project manager

If I get in my way, Ill kill you!
— somewhat misguided project manager

If I get in your way, Ill kill you!
— A tough m. f. project manager
(eats glass, live cats, etc.)

If get kill in will way I you.
–dyslexic, functionally illiterate project manager

I am the way! Kill me if you can!
–messianic project manager

Get away, Ill kill us all!
–suicidal project manager

If you kill me, Ill get in your way.
–thoughtful but ineffective project manager

If I kill you Ill get in your way.
–project manager who has trouble dealing with the obvious

If a you getta ina my way, I gonna breaka you arm.
–project manager from New York

I am quite confident that there is nothing in the way,
so no one will get killed.
–project manager who is about to get in big trouble

If you kill me, so what? If you get in my way, who cares?
–weak, uninspired, lackluster project manager

If I kill me, youll get your way.
–pragmatic project manager

Kill me, its the only way.
–every project manager to date.

When a man is described as having a green thumb, it doesnt necessarily mean hes a great gardener. It could also mean hes a rotten painter!

If you cross a rambling rose with a pansy, you get a rose that still rambles, but it also skips!

He must be a good gardener. He and his plants are both potted!

There was a man who flunked tree-doctor school. He fainted at the sight of sap!

Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year?
A: Because Clinton invested all the turkey.

A man went into the proctologists office for his first exam. The doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes. Well, when the man sat down in the examination room, he noticed that there were three items on a stand next to the doctors desk: a tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove, and a beer.

When the doctor came in, the man said, Look Doc, this is my first exam… I know what the K-Y is for… and I know what the glove is for…but whats the BEER for?

At this instant, the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. The doc flung the door open and yelled to his nurse, Dammit, nurse!!! I said a BUTT LIGHT!!!

Llega un tipo bien borracho a las 3:00 de la madrugada a su casa, mete la llave despacio sin hacer ruido para no despertar a su mujer; pero la mujer lo estaba esperando y, cuando el beodo abre la puerta, la esposa enciende la luz. El borrachín al verse descubierto le dice:

¿Qué?

¿Qué de qué?, le replica la esposa.

¿Qué de qué o qué?

¿Qué de qué o qué de qué?

¿Qué de qué o qué de qué o qué?

¿Qué de qué o qué de qué o qué por qué?

¿Qué de qué o qué de qué o qué por qué, qué?

¿Dónde andabas?

¡No, no, no me cambies la conversación!

The teacher asked the students to bring one electrical appliance for

Show & Tell, and the next day every kid had something.



The teacher asks Wendy: What did you bring?

I brought a Walkman.



And what is it for?

You can listen to music with it!



Thats nice Wendy. What did you bring Kenny?

I brought a lectrical can opener, it opens cans!

Well done, Kenny.



Umm, Johnny, I see you didnt bring anything!

Yes, I did. Its in the hall.



So the entire class goes into the hallway.



Umm, Johnny, what is that?

Its a heart/lung machine hospitals use to keep your heart going.



Whoa. What did your father say about you bringing this?



He said, AAAARRRGGGH!!!

If everything is coming your way, you are probably in the wrong lane.