Old and New Jokes

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Welcome!
Welcome who?
Welcome up and see me sometime!

LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.

Theyre leading a priest, a drunkard and an engineer to the guillotine. They ask the priest if he wants to face up or down when he meets his fate. The priest said that he would like to face up so he would be looking toward Heaven when he died. They raised the blade of the guillotine and released it. It came speeding down and suddenly stopped, just inches from his neck. The authorities took this as Divine Intervention and released the priest. Next, the drunkard came to the guillotine, and he also decided to die facing up, hoping he would be as fortunate as the priest. So the blade of the guillotine was raised again, and released. It came speeding down and suddenly stopped just inches from his neck, so he was released as well. The engineer was next, and he too decided to die facing up. They slowly raised the blade of the guillotine, when suddenly the engineer said, Hey, I see what the problem is…

I found this warning on a small utility knife in MITs lab supply:

Caution. Blade is sharp. Keep out of children.

Manolo va manejando por la autopista, cuando suena su teléfono celular. Al contestar, oye la voz de su esposa que le dice con alarma, Manolo, acabo de oir en las noticias que hay un auto en sentido contrario en la autopista que siempre tomas de regreso a casa. ¡Por favor ten cuidado!

¡Joder!, responde Manolo, No es sólo un auto. ¡Son cientos de autos!

A woman walked out of a coffee shop just in time to see a very strange sight.

Moving slowly down the street was a funeral procession which consisted of a hearse followed by another hearse, followed by a woman walking a dog,followed by 200 women in a long line.



The procession was moving slowly and her curiosity got the best of her.So she walked up to the woman with the dog.



I hope you dont mind me asking, who is in the first hearse?



Thats my husband. He was attacked by our dog and killed.



Well, who is in the second hearse?



Thats my mother in law. She tried to save him and was killed by the dog too.



Is this the dog, she asked?



Yes said the widow.



The first woman thought about it for a minute and then asked. Can I borrow your dog?



Sure, said the widow,get in the line.

Most people dont know that back in 1912, Hellmanns mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.

This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery were disconsolate at the loss.

Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning which they still observe to this day. The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th, and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo….

DeVriess Dilemma: If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you dont want hits the paper.

Q: Why do blondes drive BMWs?
A: Because they can spell it.

a Koala bear was bored and had nothing to do, so he decided to pick up a hooker, after he was done with her, he told her U can leave now, the hooker picked up a dictionary and said the definition of hooker gets paid for sex. the Koala bear picked up a dictionary and said the definition of Koala bear eats bush and leaves