Old and New Jokes

A guy comes home from work feeling bad about the days activities. He lays down on the couch and ponders his actions. Like most of us, his conscience has two voices; that of his good moral side and that of his mischievious side.

While staring at the ceiling, a voice in his head says dont worry about it, a lot of doctors have sex with their patients. The man tosses and turns in reflection of his actions. Again the voice says dont worry about it, a lot of doctors have sex with their patients. Feeling somewhat relieved, the man begins to relax and feel better about himself at which time another voice in head says, but youre a veterinarian.

Teddy, the red nosed senator,

Had a very shiny car.

And if youve ever seen it,

You were probly near a bar.

All of the other Senators,

Wondered how he get his dames.

They thought he was to drunk,

To join in any bedroom games.

Then one clouded Christmas Eve,

Santa came to say,

Teddy with your nose so red,

Wont you help me guide my sled.

Thats how the police found him,

Wrapped around a maple tree.

Teddy, the red nosed Senator,

Youre a drunken S.O.B.!

Three college girls went in for physicals,

Upon examining the first woman the Dr. notices she has a large letter H imprinted on her chest. The Dr. asked her how did you get this?

She says my boyfriend is from Harvard, he likes to leave his letter sweater on when we make love.

While examining the second woman the Dr. notices she has a large letter Y imprinted on her chest. The Dr. asked her how did you get this?

She says my boyfriend is from Yale, he likes to leave his letter sweater on when we make love.

During the examination of the third woman the Dr. notices a large letter M imprinted on her chest. The Dr. says I see your boyfriend is from the University of Minnesota!

She responds No, my girlfriend is from Wisconsin!

Q: What do peroxide blondes and black men have in common?

A: They both have black roots.

A guy takes his ill and aging wife in to the doctors office.

After a full examination, the doc tells the guy its one of two things.

The Doc says, Well, its either Alzheimers disease or AIDS.

What do you mean! The guy says, Cant you tell the difference?

Well, says the Doc, the two look a lot alike in the early stages… Tell you what ya do…Drive her way out into the country, kick her out of the car, and if she finds her way back, – dont have sex with her anymore!

Yo mama so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat people say Taxi!

Clinton is trying to tell us a no-frills medical care plan. Trouble is, medical care is a frill.

Pepito estaba en el baño masturbándose y la mamá le abre la puerta para ver qué estaba haciendo y cuando lo ve le dice:

Pepito, esto va contra la religión, esto va contra la moral, esto va contra lo natural.

Y Pepito la interrumpe y le dice: Salte mami, ¡esto va contra la pared!

Itll hit you in a minute.

The yoo-hoo you you-hew into the forest is the yoo-hoo you get back.