What do the KKK and steroids have in common?
They both make blacks run faster.
07
May
07
May
Bruce Lee is not dead – Hes just kicking around somewhere.
07
May
NEW LANGUAGES BEING TAUGHT IN AMERICA
Afro-American Speak — Ebonics (or We-Beonics)
Irish-American Speak — Leprechaunics
Native-American Speak — Kimosabics
Italo-American Speak — Spumonics (or Rigatonics)
Chinese-American Speak — Won-tonics
Japanese-American Speak — Mama-san-ics
Polish-American Speak — Kielbasanics
Jewish-American Speak — Zionics
Russian-American Speak — Rasputonics
Spanish-American Speak — Flan-ics
Scottish-American Speak — Tartan-ics
Eskimo-American Speak — Harpoonics
German-American Speak — Autobaunics (or Teutonics)
Candain-American Speak — EH?onics
Florida Democratic Voters Speak — Moronics
06
May
A forester and a lawyer were in car accident and showed up at the pearly gates together.
St. Peter greets them at the pearly gates and takes them to the homeswhere they will spend all of eternity. They get into St. Peters holy vehicle and head on down a gold road, which turns into a platinum road, which turns onto an even grander road paved with diamonds, to a huge mansion where St. Peter turns to the lawyer and says, here is your home for the rest of eternity, enjoy! And if there is anything you need, just let me know.
Then St. Peter took the forester to his home, back down the diamond studded boulevard, down the platinum highway, down the street of gold, down an avenue of silver, along a stone alley and down an unpaved footpath to a shack. St Peter says Here you go and goes to leave when the forester says Waitaminute!, how come the lawyer gets the big mansion and I get this shack?
St. Peter says: Well, Foresters are a dime a dozen here, we have never had a lawyer before.
06
May
Q: How many Leos does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None: Leos are so enthusiastic they carry their own light.
06
May
Your photographs do you an injustice. They all look like you!
06
May
The blonde says to her friend, My boyfriend has the worst dandruff.
Her friend says, You should give him Head and Shoulders.
The blonde thinks for a minute and replies, how do you give shoulders?
06
May
The teacher came into the class one day and said, Students, todays assignment is to make a sentence using the word Omelette.
I volunteered and said That dude cussed me out but omelette it go instead of fighting about it!
06
May
Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
Insanity is my only means of relaxation.
Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.
Youre getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
Perhaps you know why women over fifty dont have babies: They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.
My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
Every time I think about exercise, I lie down till the thought goes away.
God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever.
Its frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
If you can remain calm, you just dont have all the facts.
Stress reducer: Put a bag on your head. Mark it Closed for remodeling. **Caution – Leave air holes.
I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.
There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is already full.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
The nice part of living in a small town is that when I dont know what Im doing, someone else does.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
Age doesnt always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
06
May
Apparently, they make wool!