Knock Knock
Whos there?
Oates!
Oates who?
Oatesay can you see!
29
Apr
29
Apr
An Irishman, a black guy, and a white guy were driving through the desert when they suddenly ran out of gas. They all decided to start walking to the nearest town (which they had passed 50 miles back) to get some help.
A rancher was sitting on his front porch that evening when he saw the white guy top the horizon and walk toward him. The rancher noticed that the white guy was carrying a glass of water, so when he was within hearing distance, the rancher said, Hi there…what are you doing carring a glass of water through the desert?
The white guy explained his predicament and explained that since he had a long way to go, he might get thirsty, so thats why he was carrying the water.
A little while later the rancher noticed the black guy walking toward him with a loaf of bread in his hand. What are you doing? asked the rancher again.
As before, the black guy explained the situation and said that since he had a long way to go, he might get hungry and thats why he had the bread.
Finally the Irishman appeared, dragging a car door through the sand. More curious than ever, the rancher asked, Hey, why are you dragging that car door?
Well, he said, I have a long way to go, so if it gets too hot, Ill roll down the window.
29
Apr
Tres cubanos recién llegados a Miami van a pasar el fin de semana en Busch Gardens. El domingo, ya de regreso, al llegar la estación del tren en Tampa, el más viejo de los tres le pide a uno:
Oye, tú chico, anda y pregúntale al moreno aquel a qué hora sale el tren para Miami.
Pero si yo no hablo inglés, chico.
Ve y hazle una seña. Hazte entender.
Va el cubano donde el negro y le señala el reloj. El tipo le responde:
Nine ten.
Regresa y les informa a los demás:
Eh, chicos, el negro dice que no hay tren.
¿Cómo es que no va ha haber tren? ¿Qué tú no ves el gentÃo que está aquà esperando?
Anda tú, le dice al otro.
Va el otro y le hace la misma seña. El negro, ya molesto, le grita:
Nine ten, nine ten!
Regresa y les confirma:
Efectivamente, el negro dice que no hay tren.
¡Coño, chicos, ustedes son un par de tontos, voy a tener que ir yo!
Va el más viejo; hace la misma seña y el negro que ya explota ruge:
Fuck you son of a bitch, nine ten! Nine ten!
¡Óiganme, chicos, tenÃan razón, parece que a la máquina se le jodió un foco en Miami Beach y no hay tren!
29
Apr
A man and his wife were driving through the beautiful Welsh countryside one day
when they came across a roadsign which read
Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch (The longest town-
name in the world). The husband says the name and his wife laughs. Thats not
how you pronounce it, she says and proceeds to say it herself. Her husband
nearly crashes the car laughing and they start debating how to pronounce the
name.
Well the debate soon becomes an argument and coming up to lunchtime they pull
into a restaurant in the town whose name is the subject of the argument. As
theyre settling their bill, the wife says to the cashier, Excuse me, but
would you mind settling an argument between my huband and me? Could you
possibly pronounce the name of where we are, only please do it very very
slowly.
The cashier leans forward and says…………………
……………………………………………….
……………………………………………….
……………………………………………….
……………………………………………….
Buuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrgggggeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrr Kiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnngggggggg
29
Apr
A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.
29
Apr
Just before someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in
their stomach?
29
Apr
A couple drove down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither would concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, Relatives of yours? Yep, the husband replied. In-laws.
29
Apr
There is no such thing as child-proofing your house
If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite
A 4 years-olds voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant
If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong
enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a
superman cape
It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of a
20 by 20 foot room
Baseballs make marks on ceilings.
You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a
few times before you get a hit.
A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
The glass in windows (even double pane) doesnt stop a baseball hit
by a ceiling fan.
When you hear the toilet flush and the words Uh-oh; its already
too late.
Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36
year old man says they can only do it in the movies
A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it
does not leak – it explodes.
A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house
4 inches deep.
Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old
Duplos will not.
Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
Super glue is forever.
McGyver can teach us many things we dont want to know. Ditto Tarzan.
No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still cant
walk on water.
Pool filters do not like Jello.
VCRs do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show
they do.
Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
Plastic toys do not like ovens.
Your fire department in has at least a 5 minute response time.
The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.
It will however make cats dizzy.
Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
Quiet does not necessarily mean dont worry.
A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life
(unfortunately, mostly in retrospect)
2:00 AM is not a good time to hear, Daddy, diapers dont flush!
No time is a good time to hear, Daddy, your tires are hisssssing.
You never want to hear, Watch me fly! coming from the roof>
Nor do you want to hear, Your new cell phone doesnt work underwater.
Driveway seal coating and children DO NOT MIX!
Never light fireworks inside.
Under the bed is not a good place to save snowballs for summer.
Daddys shoe is not a good home for a pet tarantula.
Hiding uneaten vegetables in daddys shoes is not good.
Bugs are not a dietary supplement.
Walnuts make the blender act funny.
Scissors and hair are often a dangerous combination.
Collecting things is good.
Collecting things that come out of your nose is not.
Eating string is a bad hobby.
Discovering string the next day is a disgusting hobby.
Finger painting is good.
Finger painting walls is dangerous.
If you hear the words, Can ya eat a lizards tail?
Its too late!
If you hear the words, Guess whats in my hands.
You dont want to know.
If you hear the words, Guess whats in my mouth.
You REALLY dont want to know!
Fan and flour should never be heard in the same sentence.
The toilet does not make a permanent fish aquarium.
Most toilets can not consume an entire roll of toilet paper
without choking.
Any sentence which contains the word Oooops is bad.
Any sentence beginning with, How much do you love me?
means prepare for bad news
Throwing daddys wallet in the trash compactor can change his mood.
Opening all 24 of daddys cans of beer is a bad idea.
Hiding parts of daddys computer can make your butt hurt.
Lipstick on the TV screen changes mommys mood.
Fish can not use a remote control, even if placed in their tank.
Why do fish float? means trouble.
Any sentence beginning with, When [your pets name] dies…
is never a good sign.
Setting the hamsters free changes the cats mood.
Cats do not like to be wrapped in duct tape.
Cats get even.
29
Apr
There were two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school and were both virgins and enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast.
They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together. As time went on, the guy would call the girl but she was never home and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return any letters. Even when he e-mailed her, she took days to return his messages. Finally, she confessed to him that she wanted to date around. He didnt take this very well and increased his calls and letters and e-mails trying to win back her love. Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back. So what she did was this:
She took a polaroid picture of her sucking her new
boyfriends unmentionables and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone. Well needless to say, this guy was heartbroken, but even more so, he
was pissed. So what he did next was awesome:
He wrote on the back of the photo the following: Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money! and then mailed the picture to her parents.
29
Apr
You want to slap the next person who says, Must be nice to have all your holidays and summers free. You can tell its a full moon without ever looking outside. You believe shallow gene pool should have its own box on the report card. When out in public, you feel the urge to talk to strange children and correct their behavior. When you mention vegetables and youre not talking about a food group. You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce. You wonder how some parents ever MANAGED to reproduce. You cant have children of your own, because there is NO name you could give a child that wouldnt bring on high blood pressure the moment you heard it. Meeting a childs parents INSTANTLY answers the question, Why is this kid like this?