Old and New Jokes

If your dishwasher stops working, how do you make it start back up?

Kick her.

HOW TO GET BETTER SERVICE ON YOUR MACHINE

Do not call for service until everyone concerned has had time to form an
opinion as to what is wrong; allow each person the chance to correct the
problem. Whenever possible, all controls and adjusting screws should be
turned.
After several days, when the machine malfunction has become a major
emergency, place an urgent call for service. Fridays are best, but anytime
after 4PM is OK.
Alert all personnel so that each can give their version of what is wrong.
Suggestions of how to fix the machine will be welcomed by the serviceman.
Hide the service history log that is found inside the machine. Make
several references to the man who was here for the same problem last week.
Have at least eight graduate engineers present to ask highly technical
questions which are in no way related to the immediate problem.
The minute the serviceman arrives, ask what caused the delay. Make it
clear that he was to arrive two days ago. Before he can answer, ask him when
the machine will be back in service.
The machine should be as dirty and greasy as possible. A mixture of oil
and pencil sharpener shavings work well. If the machine has electrical
components, add staples and paper clips.
Assign someone to supervise the repair. A person who has never seen the
machine before is preferred. Bad breath is a big plus.
Ask again when the machine will be ready for use.
Be sure that the lights are off in the room where the machine is to be
repaired. A good serviceman can fix them blindfolded.
Ask if the machine is ready yet. If the serviceman is looking at a
schematic diagram, ask if he knows what he is doing.
When the repair is completed, tell him what a swell job he did. Tell him
that the job should be swell, it took long enough.
Try to talk the serviceman down on the bill. Those big companies make too
much money anyway.
After the serviceman has gone, call his supervisor and tell him the
machine is now worse than it was before. Follow up with a letter and send a
copy to the companys home office.
Follow the above rules on every service call, no matter how small the
problem is.

Children Books That Didnt Make It To The Press:

Children Books You Wont Eever See…

1…You Are Different and Thats Bad

2…The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables

3…Dads New Wife Robert

4…Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share

5…Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book

6…The Kids Guide to Hitchhiking

7…Kathy Was So Bad Her Mum Stopped Loving Her

8…Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence

9…All Cats Go to Hell!

10…The Little Sissy Who Snitched

11…Some Kittens Can Fly.

12…Thats it, Im Putting You Up for Adoption

13…Grandpa Gets a Casket

14…The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator

15…Garfield Gets Feline Leukaemia

16…The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy

17…Strangers Have the Best Candy

18…Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way

19…You Were an Accident

20…Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will

21…Pop! Goes The Hamster…And Other Great Microwave Games

22…The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan

23…Your Nightmares Are Real

24…Where Would You Like to Be Buried?

25…Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School

26…Why Cant Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?

27…Places Where Mummy and Daddy Hide Neat Things

28…Daddy Drinks Because You Cry

The Post Office briefly considered issuing stamps with Bill and Hillarys faces on them. However, test marketing verified that the customers would spit on the wrong side of the stamps.

A friend and I were golfing one day when at the 18th hole this guy comes out of nowhere and asks if he could join us.

I tell him, Well, were just about done but if you want to join us tomorrow you can. We start at 8 oclock.

He said, Great! Ill be here at 8 oclock, maybe 8:35…

So next day he shows up at 8 oclock and plays scratch golf; he was good. We were going to play again the next day and we invited him to join us.

He said, Great! Ill be here at 8 oclock, maybe 8:35…

So the next day he shows up at 8 oclock, plays with his opposite hand, and shoots under par!

Im a bit amazed with this guy so I ask him, Youre a pretty good golfer, beating us with scratch golf and then showing-off by playing just as good with your opposite hand. Just what is you secret?

He said, Well…when I wake up in the morning and my wife is lying on her left side, I play left-handed.

Or when I wake up in the morning and my wife is laying on her right side, I play right-handed.

So I ask, what if she is laying on her back?

Thats when I get here at 8:35.

Una mujer llega a su casa y encuentra a su marido y a su comadre haciendo el amor. Ofendida, se va corriendo con su compadre y le cuenta lo que vio; decidida a desquitarse, le sugiere al tipo:

Compadre, puesto que nos están engañando hay que vengarnos.

Entonces, empiezan a hacer el amor una y otra vez. Veinte minutos después, le dice la comadre:

¿Nos volvemos a vengar compadre?

Hoy ya no, comadre, se me acabó el rencor.

Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Poncho, decide to go on a picnic. So, Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is, 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there. By the time they do arrive, everyones whipped .Joe takes the stuff out of the basket, one by one. He takes out the sodas and says,Alright, Steve, gimme the bottle opener.



I didnt bring the bottle opener, Steve says. I thought you packed it. Joe gets worried.



He turns to Poncho. Poncho, do you have the bottle opener?



Naturally, Poncho doesnt have it, so the turtles are stuck ten miles away from home without soda. Joe & Steve beg Poncho to turn back home and retrieve it, but Poncho flatly refuses, knowing that theyll eat everything by the time he gets back. Somehow, after about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Poncho to go ,swearing on their great-grand turtles graves that they wont touch the food.



So, Poncho sets off down the road, slow and steadily. Twenty days pass, but no Poncho. Joe and Steve are hungry and puzzled, but a promise is a promise. Another day passes, and still no Poncho, but a promise is a promise. After three more days pass without Poncho in sight, Steve starts getting restless.



I NEED FOOD! he says with a hint of dementia in his voice. NO! Joe retorts. We promised. Five more days pass. Joe realizes that Poncho probably skipped out to the Burger King down the road, so the two turtles weakly lift the lid ,get a sandwich, and open their mouths to eat.



But then, right at that instant, Poncho pops out behind a rock, and says, Just for that, Im not going.

Jake was watching vigilantly at his dying wifes side. Sleep now, its all right, he told her. But she kept trying to sit up and said, Honey, I really need to tell you something. Finally Jake let her get it off her chest.

Jake, honey, I need to tell you something before I die. During the last two months, I slept with your brother, your best friend and your father.

Dont worry about it, Jake said, I allready know. Why do you think I poisoned you?

Whats black, brown, and looks good on an [ethnic]?

A Doberman

I spilled Spot remover on my dog. Now hes gone.