Old and New Jokes

Pregnant.

Q: What does a blonde do when she wakes up? A: Go home!

A man left his cat with his brother while he went on vacation for a week. When he came back, the man called his brother to see when he could pick the cat up. The brother hesitated, then said, Im so sorry, but while you were away, the cat died." The man was very upset and yelled, You know, you could have broken the news to me better than that. When I called today, you could have said he was on the roof and wouldnt come down. Then when I called the next day, you could have said that he had fallen off and the vet was working on patching him up. Then when I called the third day, you could have said he had passed away. The brother thought about it and apologized. "So hows Mom?" asked the man."Shes on the roof and wont come down."

You can learn a lot from reading the graffiti in a bathroom, library or other public area…

The best way to a mans heart is to saw his breast plate open.

* Womens rest room, Murphys, Champaign, Ill.

If you voted for Clinton in the last election, you cant take a dump here –

Your asshole is in Washington!

* Mens rest room, Outback Steakhouse, Tacoma, Wash.

Beauty is only a light switch away.

* Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, N.C.

If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life,

then lets all get wasted and have the time of our lives.

* Armands Pizza, Washington, D.C.

Remember, its not How high are you?, its Hi, how are you?

* Rest stop off Route 81, W. VA.

God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust?

* The Irish Times, Washington, D.C.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

* The Bayou, Baton Rouge, La.

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her crap.

* Mens rest room, Lindas Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, N.C.

Its hard to make a comeback when you havent been anywhere.

* Written in the dust on the back of a bus, Wickenburg, Ariz.

A womans rule of thumb: If it has tires or testicles, youre going to have trouble with it.

* Womens rest room, Dicks Last Resort, Dallas, Tex.

Watch out for gay limbo dancers.

* Inside toilet stall door, mens rest room?

Express Lane: Five beers or less.

* Sign over one of the urinals, Ed Debevics, Phoenix, Ariz.

Youre too good for him.

* Sign over mirror in womens rest room, Ed Debevics, Beverly Hills, CA

No wonder you always go home alone.

* Sign over mirror in mens rest room, Ed Debevics,Beverly Hills, CA

What are you looking up on the wall for? The joke is in your hands.

* Mens rest room, Lynaghs, Lexington, KY

A newly married couple was walking alone in their village, along a winding country road. The husband had been trying to figure out a way to approach his new wife for sex, since they hadnt yet consummated their vows and the sexual tension was beginning to be more than he could handle.

As they walked, they came across a cow and a bull engaged in the act of reproduction.

The husband leaned over to his new bride and whispered in her ear, Darling, would you like me to do what the bull is doing?

Do what you want, she says, but take care, since that is not our cow.

Estando Pepito en la escuela, la maestra comienza a preguntar a los estudiantes qué estaban construyendo cerca de su casa, pero antes les dice a las niñas que cuando le preguntara a Pepito salieran corriendo cuando ella aplaudiera, porque Pepito era muy majadero.

La maestra comienza a preguntarle a los alumnos, A ver Juanito, ¿qué están construyendo cerca de tu casa?

A lo que contesta Juanito un Centro Comercial, maestra

Muy bien, replica la maestra, y como ya les había preguntado a todos los alumnos, le toca el turno a Pepito:

¿Qué estan construyendo cerca de tu casa Pepito?

Y Pepito contesta, Un cabaret maestra.

En eso la maestra empieza a aplaudir y todas las niñas salen corriendo, y Pepito les grita, ¡¡Esperen pinches putas, todavía no lo inauguran!!

Two small children are peeking through their parents slightly ajar, bedroom door, as one says to the other Boy, and she shouts at me for sucking my THUMB!?!

Blessed is he who has reached the point of no return and knows it for he shall enjoy living.

This guy goes to sperm bank to give a sample.

So the girl At the front desk says to him. Thank you for coming.

Little Johnny was 12 years old and, like other boys his age, rather curious. He
had been hearing quite a bit about courting from the older boys and he
wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his questions to his
mother who became rather flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny,
she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister
and her boyfriend. This he did. The following morning Johnny described
everything he saw to his mother…

Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he turned off most of the
lights. Then he started kissing and hugging her, I figured sis must be getting
sick because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too, because
he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just like the doctor would.
Except hes not as smart as the doctor, because he seemed to have trouble
finding her heart.

I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started
panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been cold
because he put it under her skirt. About this time sis got worse and began to
moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch. This
was when the fever started. I knew it was a fever because sis told him she was
really hot.

Finally, I found what was making them so sick – a big eel had gotten inside his
pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about ten inches
long. Honest! Anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away.

Whatchamaclit, when sis saw it, she got really scared, her eyes got big and her
mouth fell open and she started calling to God and what not. She said it was the
biggest one shed ever seen – I should tell her about the ones down at the lake.

Anyway, sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a
sudden she made a noise and let the eel go, I guess it bit her back. Then she
grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his
pocket and slipped it over the eels head to keep it from biting again.

Sis laid back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock on it and he
helped her by laying on top of the eel. The eel put up a helluva fight. Sis
started moaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess
they wanted to kill the eel.

After a while, they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up
and sure enough they had killed the eel. I knew it was dead because it just hung
there limp, and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were
a little tired from the battle, but they went back to courting anyway. He
started hugging and kissing her again. By golly, the eel wasnt dead! It jumped
straight up and started to fight again, I guess that eels are like cats, they
have nine lives or something.

This time, sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After a
35-minute struggle they finally killed it again. I knew it was dead this time
because I saw siss boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet!