Old and New Jokes

Two men at are bar had been enjoying a few drinks for the past couple of hours and were pretty drunk when one notices a beautiful woman sitting in the corner.

One says to the other, Jeez, Id really like to dance with that girl.

The other replies, Well go ahead and ask her, dont be a chicken shit.

So the man approaches the lovely woman and says, Excuse me. Would you be so kind as to dance with me.

Seeing the man is totally drunk the woman says, Im sorry. Right now Im concentrating on matrimony and Id rather sit than dance.

So the man humbly returns to his friend. So what did she say? he asks.

She said shes conctipated on macaroni and would rather shit in her pants.

A mother and son were walking through a cemetery, and passed by a headstone inscribed Here lies a good lawyer and an honest man.

The little boy read the headstone, looked up at his mother, and asked Mommy, why did they bury two men there?

1. REÚNANSE TODAS LAS PERSONAS EN UN SOLO LUGAR

Así es más fácil que los rescatistas encuentren todos los cuerpos de una vez y no pierdan tiempo buscando por aquí y por allá.

2. AGUANTE LA RESPIRACIÓN

Luego se acaba el oxígeno dentro de los escombros.

3. GUARDE LA CALMA

De todos modos… ya qué.

4. TENGA A LA MANO UNA IDENTIFICACIÓN

Hay que cooperar para la identificación de cadáveres.

5. NO UTILICE LOS ELEVADORES NI LAS ESCALERAS

Solito va a llegar a la planta baja o al sótano.

6. SI ESTA INGIRIENDO ALIMENTOS, DESÉCHELOS

Con todo el tiempo que va a pasar para que lo encuentren, se pueden descomponer y producir mal olor, lo que puede confundir a los perros de rescate.

7. SI SOBREVIVE ENTRE LOS ESCOMBROS, NO GRITE

No gaste energía, no lo van a escuchar y puede despertar el pánico.

8. SI SOBREVIVE ENTRE LOS ESCOMBROS Y VUELVE A TEMBLAR, NO SE MUEVA DE SU LUGAR

De todos modos no puede.

9. ESPERE A SER RESCATADO

¡Que otra!

10. BUSQUE A LOS ARQUITECTOS, INGENIEROS Y ALBAÑILES QUE CONSTRUYERON EL EDIFICIO DONDE USTED SE ENCONTRABA

Demándelos, súbalos a la montaña rusa y deles una pedrada en la cabeza para que vean lo que se siente.

Heres a sure-fire set of tests to check your parenting abilitites.

This is about as close as you can get to the real deal! 🙂



MESS TEST – Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.



TOY TEST – Obtain a 55 gallon box of Legos (or you may substitute roofing tacks). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream because this would wake a child at night.



GROCERY STORE TEST – Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.



DRESSING TEST – Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all the arms stay inside.



FEEDING TEST – Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now, dump the contents of the jug on the floor.



NIGHT TEST – Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00pm, begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00pm. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00pm. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00am. Set alarm for 5:00 am. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.



INGENUITY TEST – Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil. Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.



AUTOMOBILE TEST – Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick it into the cassette player. Take a family size package of chocolate chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There! Perfect.



PHYSICAL TEST (Women) – Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans.



PHYSICAL TEST (Men) – Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.



FINAL ASSIGNMENT – Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training and childs table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers!

We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.

Two elderly sisters donated $5 to a charity and, to their surprise, won tickets to a football game. Since they had never seen a live football game before, Madge thought the free tickets would provide an excellent opportunity for doing so.

I think so, too, said Mabel. Lets go!

They soon found themselves high in a noisy stadium over-looking a large, grassy expanse. They watched the kickoff and the seemingly endless back-and-forth struggles that comprised the scoreless first half.

They enjoyed the band music and cheerleader performance that followed. Then came the second half. When the teams lined up for the second-half kickoff, Madge nudged her sister.

I guess we can go home now, Mabel, she said. This is where we came in.

Santa and his two friends are talking at a bar. His first friend says, I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they werent mine.

His second friend says, I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber, the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasnt mine.

Santa says, I think my wife is having an affair with a horse. Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief. No Im serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed.

Two friends were in a bar drinking a beer when one pulled out a cigar but he didnt have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one..

I sure do, he replied and reached into his pocket and pulled out a 10 inch Bic lighter.

Wow! said his friend, where did you get that monster.

I got it from my genie.

You have a genie? he asked.

Yes, hes right here in my pocket.

Could I see him?

He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a very small genie.

The friend says, Im a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?

Yes I will, the genie said so he asks him for a million bucks and the genie hops back into his masters pocket and leaves the man standing there waiting for his million bucks.

About this time, a duck walks into the bar followed by another. Then more ducks come pouring in. Before long the entire bar has ducks everywhere. The friend tells his buddy, What is going on here, I asked for a million bucks not ducks!

He answers, I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 10 inch Bic?

PCMCIA: People Cant Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
ISDN: It Still Does Nothing
APPLE: Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
SCSI: System Cant See It
DOS: Defunct Operating System
BASIC: Bills Attempt to Seize Industry Control
IBM: I Blame Microsoft
DEC: Do Expect Cuts
CD-ROM: Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
OS/2: Obsolete Soon, Too.
WWW: World Wide Wait
MACINTOSH: Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs

(source: Rex Loring, former RAF pilot)

Air-to-ground conversation involving BOAC pilot approaching Karachi
(Pakistan) International Airport:

Pilot: Speedbird 7-0-7 here. Request permission to land on runway 42-
Left.

Tower: Sorry, Speedbird 7-0-7. Runway 42-Left is closed. There was an
unfortunate incident yesterday. But you are cleared for landing on runway
19-Right.

Pilot: Roger Karachi tower. Proceeding on approach pattern.

[As the pilot enters final approach, he is appalled to see a 747 taking
off from that runway and heading straight at him. After taking violent
evasive action, the conversation resumes]

Pilot: Karachi Tower. What is going on ?? You cleared me for landing
on runway 19-Right, but there was another plane taking off from there !!!

Tower: Oh dear. I do hope we will not have a repeat of yesterday.