Old and New Jokes

A beautiful young blonde woman boards a plane to New York with a ticket for the coach section. She looks at the seats in coach and then looks into the forward cabin at the first class seats. Seeing that the first class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her seat is in coach.

The blonde replies, Im young, blonde and beautiful, and Im going to sit here all the way to New York.

Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain of the blonde problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in coach.

Again, the blonde replies, Im young, blonde and beautiful, and Im going to sit here all the way to New York.

The captain doesnt want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blonde with the co-pilot. The co-pilot says that he has a blonde girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something into the blondes ear.

She immediately gets up, says, Thank you so much. hugs the co-pilot, and rushes back to her seat in the coach section. The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, together ask the co-pilot what he had said to the woman.

He replies, I just told her that the first class section isnt going to New York.

You might be a redneck if…
None of your shirts cover your stomach.

Men are like mascara, any sign of emotion and theyre running

My friend, Harvey, is what youd call a hard-luck inventor. Here is a partial listing of his inventions:

6-Up (a soft drink).
Preparation G (rectal ointment).
5 shooter (five shot revolver).
Model S Ford (similar to the Model T Ford).
Nice Krispies (a breakfast cereal that went snip, crickle, pip when milk was poured over it).
The Wolksvagen (a small car known as the WV).
Dogsup (a condiment for hamburgers and hot-dogs).
Goputer (sophisticated electronic device).
Whitejack (card game for gamblers).
Anklewatch (timepiece).
Star Bangled Spanner (a song intended to be our National Anthem).

6 year old Marilyn and 4 year old Little Johnny were upstairs playing in their play room. Marilyn said I think its about time we start swearing. Dont you?

Little Johnny nodded in agreement.

Marilyn said Ok, I say ass and you say hell.

Little Johnny again nodded his head in agreement and they went downstairs for breakfast. Their mom asked Marilyn what she wants to eat.

Marilyn replied Well hell mom, Ill have some Cheerios.

Her mom spanked her and sent her to her room. She then asked Little Johnny what he wanted for breakfast.

Little Johnny said I dont know, but you bet your ass it wont be Cheerios!

There was a beautiful young blonde who was going to a soda machine and she arrived there just before a business man coming to quench his thirst. She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a little, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke which she placed on a counter by the machine. Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button for Coke Classic and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change. She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied it for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mountain Dew. As she was reaching into her purse again, the business man who had been waiting patiently for several minutes now spoke up.
Excuse me Ms. but are you done yet?
She looked at him and indignantly replied: Well Duhhh!, Im still winning.

Dilberts Salary Theorem states that Engineers and scientists can never earn as much as business executives and sales people. This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:



Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.

Postulate 2: Time is Money.



As every engineer knows: Power = Work / Time



Since: Knowledge = Power,

then Knowledge = Work/Time,

and Time = Money,

then Knowledge = Work/Money.



Solving for Money, we get: Money = Work / Knowledge.

Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, money approaches infinity,

regardless of the amount of work done.



Conclusion: The less you know, the more you make. Bummer.

This little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents room. Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I look in your bedroom youre bouncing up and down on him.

His mom is taken by surprise and says, Oh… well…ah….well Im bouncing on his stomach because hes fat and that makes him thin again.



And the boy says, Well, that wont work!



His mom says, Why?!?



And the boy replies, Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!

A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW. Officer, look what theyve done to my Beeeemer!!!, he whined. You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!! retorted the officer, Youre so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didnt even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!! Oh my gaaad…., replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, Wheres my Rolex?

I have never found, in long experience, that criticism is ever inhibited by ignorance.