IN THE BAG
A tourist, supposedly on a golf holiday, stood in line at the customs counter. While making idle chatter, the customs official thought it odd that the golfer didnt know what a handicap was. The officer then asked the tourist to demonstrate his swing. He did – backwards. A substantial amount of narcotics was found in the golf bag.
A couple returned from their honeymoon and its obvious to everyone that they are not talking to each other. The grooms best man takes him aside and asks what is wrong.
Well, replied the man when we had finished making love on the first night, as I got up to go to the bathroom I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking.
Oh, you shouldnt worry about that too much, said his friend.
Im sure your wife will get over it soon enough – she cant expect you to have been saving yourself all these years!
The groom nodded gently and said, I dont know if I can get over this though… She gave me $20 change!
There was a young couple living in a Nudist Colony when one day, their five year old son comes running up to his Mother.
Hey Mommmy!, said her son, Those things that Women have on their chests..how come some are bigger and some are smaller?
Thinking a moment his mother said, Well son, the bigger they are the dumber the woman is.
oh, said her son,Well, what about those things men have between their legs? How come some of THEM are bigger and some are smaller?
Well son, said the mother, Its just the opposite. The bigger they are the smarter the man is.
Puzzled, the mother asked, Why do you ask son?
Oh..well I just saw Daddy out back talkin to this REALLY dumb woman and hes gettin smarter and smarter!
Q: How to you keep a blonde busy all day?
A: Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner.
How do you spoil an [ethnic] party?
flush the punch bowl.
A watch dog
What do you get when you cross a Jehovahs Witness with a Unitarian Universalist?Someone who knocks on your door for no reason at all.
Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. Only ONE!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They dont even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out.
And, once they figured it out, they wouldnt be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that theyve been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle, actually find them 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!
AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE STUPID !#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY? BECAUSE NO-ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! ITS A WONDER WE HAVENT ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS HOUSE!
. . . Im sorry … what did you ask me?
A: More leg room.
Forwarded from another list. You may have to be a fan of the show to understand them. No offense to any Borg out there.
Q: How many Borg does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Illumination is irrelevant.
Q. What does a depressed Borg say?
A. Everythings NOT futile.
Q: Why did the Borg cross the road?
A: Standing there was futile.