Have you ever tried to iron one?
13
Jul
12
Jul
Estaba una pareja en casa de la novia acariciándose ardientemente. De pronto, la chica, ya muy excitada, le saca el pene al novio; comienza a acariciarlo y termina por introducirlo en su boca. En ese momento llega la madre y pregunta escandalizada:
¿Qué está pasando?
El novio, agachado y aún con el pene fuera del pantalón, le contesta:
Estoy buscando un ratón. ¿Dónde estará ese maldito ratón?
Enfurecida, la suegra le grita:
¿Lo estás buscando para matarlo o para cogértelo, cabrón?
12
Jul
Men are like department stores…. their clothes should always be half off.
Men are like vacations…. they never seem to be long enough.
Men are like computers… hard to figure out and never have enough memory.
Men are like coolers… load them with beer and you can take them anywhere
Men are like chocolate bars…. sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.
Men are like coffee…. the best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.
Men are like horoscopes…. they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
Men are like plungers… they spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.
Q: Why are men like laxatives?
A: They irritate the shit out of you
——————————————————————————–
Q: Why did God create man?
A: Because vibrators dont mow lawns
——————————————————————————–
Q: What are two reasons men dont mind their own business?
A: No mind-No business
——————————————————————————–
Q: Why is it hard for a women to find men who are sensitive,caring and good looking?
A: Because those men already have boyfriends
——————————————————————————–
Q: How is a man like a snowstorm?
A: You never know when hes coming, how many inches youll get or how long it will last.
——————————————————————————–
Q: Why are men given larger brains than dogs?
A: So they dont hump womens legs at cocktail parties
——————————————————————————–
Q: Why cant men get mad cow disease?
A: Because theyre all pigs
12
Jul
There were these two guys that worked together, a black guy and a white
guy.
Every morning the black would come into work in a pissed-off mood, but the
white guy was always really happy and friendly to everyone.
Well one day the black decided to find out how the white guy managed to be
so happy day after day. He asked the white guy Man, how do you stay so
damn happy all of the time?
The white guy answered, Well, every morning, I recite my wife a poem so I
can get laid before I come into work!
The black says, Hey, thats a pretty good idea, man! What do you say?
The white guy replies, Well, this morning, I wrote her this poem: Honey,
with your hair so blond and your eyes so blue, all I wanna do is make love
to you!
The black decides to try this with his wife.
The next morning, the black guy walks into work with a bloody lip, a broken
nose, and scratches all down his face!
The white guy asks him what happened.
The black guy says, I tried reciting poetry to my wife like you do!
The white guy asks What the hell did you say to her?
The black guy goes, I said, Honey, with your hair so nappy and your eyes like
a frog, bend your fat ass over, let me do ya like a dog!
12
Jul
Never hit a man with glasses.
Hit him with a baseball bat.
12
Jul
Why do blondes wear big hoop earrings when they go on a date?
So they have some place to put their feet.
12
Jul
An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his system upset. Upon making several false-alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest was another, and stayed put.
He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms wildly, which left the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.
As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a security guard, who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, What the hell was that all about?
Still staring down, the drunk replied, I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost!
12
Jul
Two boys are playing football in Central Park when one is attacked by a rabid rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips a board off of a nearby fence, wedges it down the dogs collar and twists, breaking the dogs neck.A reporter strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy. "Young Giants Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he writes in his notebook. "But Im not a Giants fan," the little hero replies."Sorry, since we are in New York, I just assumed you were," says the reporter."Little Jets Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack," he writes in his notebook. "Im not a Jets fan either," the boy says. "I assumed everyone in New York was either for the Giants or Jets. What team do you root for?" the reporter asks. "Im a Cowboys fan," the child says. The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Little Redneck Maniac Kills Beloved Family Pet".
12
Jul
[Heard on the radio recently in Ithaca, NY]
Marine biology researchers have developed a new method to fend
off shark attacks. If you are diving and are approached by a
shark they recommend that you swim towards it aggressively and
punch it in the nose as hard as possible.
If this doesnt work, beat the shark with your stump.
12
Jul
…start the day without caffeine or pep pills,
…be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
…resist complaining and boring people with your troubles.
…eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
…understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,
…overlook people taking things out on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,
…take criticism and blame without resentment,
…face the world without lies and deceit,
…conquer tension without medical help,
…relax without liquor,
…always sleep without the aid of drugs,
Then, you’re probably the family dog.