Old and New Jokes

Es el primer día de colegio de Jaimito, y como estaba muy nervioso, su madre le aconseja lo siguiente:

Cuando la profesora te pregunte cuántos años tienes le dices que 6 añitos; cuando te pregunte el nombre le dices Jaimito y si te pregunta si sabes leer le dices que un poquito.

Jaimito ya está en el colegio y la profesora le pregunta: ¿Cómo te llamas?

Y Jaimito, muy nervioso, contesta en el orden que le había dicho su madre: 6 añitos.

¿Cuántos años tienes?

Jaimito.

¿Me estás tomando el pelo?

Un poquito.

Whats the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?

45 minutes.

Whats the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?

45 lbs.

An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice. The doctor advised that she run ten miles a day for thirty days. This, he promised, would help her lose as many as twenty pounds.

The blonde followed the doctors advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she had indeed lost the pesky twenty pounds. She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results. At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question: How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?

Q: What does a blonde owl say?
A: What, what?

On Campus: In a rare lapse of generosity, the NCAA has decided college
athletes can get jobs. This statement was sent via ship-to-shore cable
from the NCAA yacht SS TV Revenue anchored off Monte Carlo.

Athletes just cant make it anymore on what alumni give them, says Alan
Ray.

Tonights weather: Dark with continued darkness until dawn.

Good girls say Thanks for a wonderful dinner.

Bad girls say, Whats for breakfast?

Good girls never go after another girls man.

Bad girls go after him AND his brother.

Good girls wear white cotton panties.

Bad girls dont wear any.

Good girls wax their floors.

Bad girls wax their bikini lines.

Good girls loosen a few buttons when its hot.

Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.

Good girls make chicken for dinner.

Bad girls make reservations.

Good girls blush during bedrooms scenes in movies.

Bad girls know they could do better.

Good girls never consider sleeping with the boss.

Bad girls never do either, unless hes very, very rich.

Good girls believe youre not fully dressed without a strand of pearls.

Bad girls believe that you are fully dressed with JUST a strand of
pearls.

Good girls love Italian food.

Bad girls love Italian waiters.

Our beer,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk,
I will be drunk,
At home as it is in the local.
Forgive us this day our daily spillage
As we forgive those who spillest against us.
And lead us not into the practice of poncey wine tasting,
And deliver us from alco-pops,
For mine is the bitter,
the ale and the lager,
Forever and ever;

Amen

Why are a pilgrims pants always falling down?

Because the belt buckles are on their hats.

A happily married man, Irving Topper, found himself driving through a badly paved country road in upstate Rhinebeck, New York. A sudden flat tire sent the car wobbling to a standstill.

The lights in a nearby health manor invited Topper to rap on the door. An attractive lady opened the door and asked what she could do for him. He told her his problem and wondered if he could seek the shelter of her house until dawn, whe he would repair the flat. The lady agreed and invited him into her parlor.

One word led to another; one drink let to another; one touch led to another. Irving Topper was soon divested of his clothes and snuggling in the ladys bed with an equally naked lady.

In the morning Topper thanked her for her hospitality, told her his name was Herman Thompson, changed his tire, and drove off.

About six months later, Topper received a call from his friend Herman Thompson.

Hey, said Thompson, did you ever give my name to a lady in Rhinebeck, New York?

Well, yes answered Topper. You know I am a married man, and I have a lovely wife and child. I gave her your name because youre a bachelor, and I didnt want any complications. I hope I didnt get you into any trouble.

No, no, on the contrary, replied his friend. Her lawyer called me to inform me that I had inherited the manor and the ladys entire estate!