11
Jul

Tiny pianist

This man walks into a bar with an old shopping bag in hand. He sets the bag on top of the bar and pulls up his stool. The bartender comes over and asks what hell have to swill.

As he states his preference, something in the bag is moving around shaking the paper bag. The bartender gives a puzzled look but proceeds to the tap. As hes filling the mug, he looks at the bag again and sees that something is still moving around in the bag. He brings the beer over and places it in front of the man. His curiosity gets the best of him and he asks the man what hes got in the bag.

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little piano and sets it on the bar… the bartender looks intently at the piano as the man again reaches into the bag… pulling out a small piano bench. He places the bench in front of the piano and again reaches into the bag pulling out a foot tall man. The man sits at the piano and begins playing.

The bartender says,wow, he sure can play the piano, whered you get him?

The guy looks at him and again reaches into the bag and pulls out a genie lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says, Here, go ahead, rub it..

So the bartender says, Is there a real genie in there?

And the guy says, Yes, just rub it and see.

So the bartender says okay and begins to rub the lamp… and out pops this beautiful genie. She says, I will grant you one wish, and one wish only.

So the bartender ponders this for a moment and says, Okay, Id like a million bucks.

The genie disappears… and theyre both waiting and waiting and nothing happens. They both look at each other and shrug their shoulders.

Then a minute later a duck pops up at the end of the bar. They both look at each other, very puzzled, and then another duck appears… and another, and another… and it continues.

The bartender looks at the guy and says, I think your genie is deaf. I said I wanted a million bucks not a million ducks.

And the man says, Yes, I know, do you think I wanted a twelve inch pianist?

11
Jul

What do you say to a dumb blonde?

Youre a dumb blonde and you need to overcome that stereotype.

10
Jul

Q: How many Helmsley

Q: How many Helmsley employees does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: 100: 99 to try, and one to fire them all.

Note: Leona Helmsley is the owner of a New York hotel who was a terrible person to work for. She fired employees at little or no provocation. She was so nasty to her employees that she was known as the Queen of Mean.)

10
Jul

Un tipo tartamudo va por

Un tipo tartamudo va por la calle cuando se encuentra con un amigo que traía una cara de zombie que no se la sacaba nadie, entonces le pregunta:

¡coco… coco… cococompadre! ¿Pepe… pepe… pepero queque te papa… papasó?

Es que mi mujer me engaña campadre… snif… y más encima con mi jefe, no sé que hacer, he pensado en el suicidio, en todo!

El tipo tartamudo trata de levantarle el animo y le dice:

Pepepe… pepero lo queque… lo queque… lo que tienes que que… lo que titienes queque… lo que tienes que… uf (toma un poco de aire)… lolo… lolo… lo queque tienes queque… que hacer es ol… es ol… es ol… es olvividar… es olvidar… es olvidartete… es olvidarte coco… coco… cocompletamente cocompletamente… (una segunda inhalada de aire para continuar) lolo… lolo… lo queque tienes queque… que hacer es ol… es ol… es ol… es olvividar… es olvidar… es olvidartete… es olvidarte coco… coco… cocompletamente cocompletamente de ella.

A lo que el amigo replica:

¡Claro, si para ti es FACIL DECIRLO!

10
Jul

Our correspondent in Poland reports

Our correspondent in Poland reports that Wojciech Jaruzelski, Tadeusz
Mazowiecki and Lech Walesa met in a summit conference, and the only thing
that they could agree on was that George Bush has a funny name.

From the SF Chronicle, Herb Caens column

10
Jul

Knock knock joke

Knock knock!

Whos there?

I dont know. Go answer the door.

10
Jul

NY Lower East Side Judaica Shop

Abie and Moishe ran a Judaica shop on Delancy Street on the Lower East Side of NY for 33 years. Their once thriving business was doing poorly because almost all the Jews moved away and the neighborhood was now Hispanic.


Abie came up with a novel idea. Why not sell Catholic goods so they could stay in business?


Moishe agreed. So, Abie called up a Catholic good supply house on Park Avenue and placed his order. He said:


Catholic Supply House. Id like 100 rosary beads, 50 autographed pictures, and 75 crucifixes.


The supply house representative confirmed the order and then said:


Do you vant the crucifixes mit Jesus or mitout Jesus? By the way, we dont deliver on Saturdays. Were closed for Shabbos.

10
Jul

Hey Macarena!!! Macarena song translated

Bale a tu cuerpo alegria Macarena Que tu cuerpo es pa darle alegria y cosa buena Bale a tu cuerpo alegria Macarena Ehhh, Macarena!

(Dance to shitty music stupid Americans! You are so stupid that you think this shitty music is good. Dance to shitty music stupid Americans. Heeeyyy, stupid Americans!)

Macarena tiene un novio que se llama Que se llama de apellido Vitorino Y en la jura de bandera del muchacho Se la dio con dos amigos

(Stupid Americans will have sex with a llama. You dance like a llama to this idiotic song! While youre busy your girl will go at it with our friends. My buddies will be with her in the bathroom)

Que le gusta la movida guerrilera Macarena suean con el Corte Ingles Y se compra los mnodelos mas modernos Le gustaria viva on Nueva York

(You fat gorillas like shitty music. Stupid Americans paid sixteen dollars for this song. You cant tell your asses from your faces. Wed rather be back in Puerto Rico, but the welfare is better in NYC!)

RAINY-WWW

09
Jul

What do you say to

What do you say to an [ethnic] with a job?

– Burger and Fries please.

09
Jul

had to be a blonde!

So there are three girls that escaped from jail;a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. So the three girls escape and go into a barn close by. The brunette goes with the pigs, the redhead goes with the chickens, and the blonde goes in the corn field. The police arrive at the barn and look in the pigpen and ask if anyone is in there and the brunnete goes oink, oink, oink. so then they check the chickens and ask if anyone is in there and the redhead goes bawk, bawk, bawk. then they check in the cornfield and ask if anyone is in there and the blonde goes corn, corn, corn.