Old and New Jokes

Amit era un alto funcionario de la corte del Rey Akbar. Hacía ya algún tiempo, él nutría un deseo de chupar los voluptuosos senos de la Reina hasta extasiarse. Un día, le reveló su deseo secreto a Birbal, el consejero del Rey, y le pidió que lo ayudara. Después de pensarlo bien, Birbal estuvo de acuerdo en ayudarlo a cambio de mil monedas de oro. Amit aceptó el precio.

Al día siguiente, Birbal preparó un líquido que causaba comezón y lo derramó en el sostén de la Reina que había dejado fuera mientras se bañaba. Poco después comenzó la comezón en sus senos, aumentando en intensidad a medida que pasaban las horas, dejando al Rey muy preocupado. Enseguida llamaron a Birbal para solicitar su opinión sobre el caso, a lo que él contesta que solamente una saliva muy especial aplicada por un periodo de cuatro horas curaría el mal. Birbal también dijo que afortunadamente esa saliva podría ser encontrada en la boca de Amit.

El Rey Akbar mandó a llamar a Amit inmediatamente, quien por las siguientes cuatro horas chupó salvajemente los senos de la Reina. Lamiendo, mordiendo, apretando y manoseando los senos de la Reina, Amit hizo su sueño realidad.

Satisfecho, Amit se encontró horas más tarde con Birbal. Como la misión de aquel ya estaba cumplida y la libido de Amit satisfecha, éste se rehusó a pagar al consejero y encima se hizo el indignado. Por supuesto, Amit sabía que Birbal nunca podría contar al Rey la verdad.

Pero Amit había subestimado a Birbal. Al día siguiente, Birbal, para vengarse, colocó el mismo líquido en los calzoncillos del Rey, quien inmediatamente mandó a llamar a Amit.

A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence. Hes allowed to say only two words every 7 years.



After the first 7 years, the elders bring him in and ask him for his 2 words.



Cold floors, he says.

They nod and send him away. 7 more years pass and they bring him in for his 2 words.



He clears his throat and says, Bad food. They nod and send him away.

7 more years pass and they bring him in for his 2 words.

I quit, he says.



Thats not surprising, the elders say…

Youve done nothing but complain since youve been here!

Blooms Seventh Law of Litigation: The judges jokes are always funny.

He does not have a beer gut; he develops a Liquid Grain Storage Facility.
He is not quiet; he is a Conversational Minimalist.
He does not have a fabulous rear end; he has achieved Buttocks Perfection.
He is not stupid; he suffers from Minimal Cranial Development.
He does not get lost all the time; he discovers Alternative Destinations.
He is not balding; he is in Follicle Regression.
You do not buy him a drink; you initiate an Alcohol-For-Conversation Exchange.
He does not fart and belch; he is Gastronomically Expressive.
His jeans are not too tight; he is Anatomically Undercirculated.
He is not a redneck; he is a Genetically-Related American.
You do not kiss him; you become Facially Conjoined.
He is not a cradle robber; he prefers Generationally Differential Relationships.
He does not get falling-down drunk; he becomes Accidentally Horizontal.
He does not act like a total ass; he develops a Case Of Rectal-Cranial Inversion.
He is not short – he is Anatomically Compact.
He does not have a rich daddy; he is a Recipient Of Parental Asset Infusion.
He does not constantly talk about cars; he has a Vehicular Addiction.
He does not have a hot body; he is Physically Combustible.
He is not from Maryland; hes simply from somewhere.
He is not unsophisticated; he is Socially Malformed.
He does not eat like a pig; he suffers from Reverse Bulimia.
He does not hog the blankets; he is Thermally Unappreciative.
He is not a sex machine; he is Romantically Automated.
He is not a male chauvinist pig; he has Swine Empathy.
You do not undress him with your eyes; you have an Introspective Pornographic Moment.
He is not afraid of commitment; he is Monogamously Challenged.

An unemployed man goes to apply for a job with Microsoft as a janitor. The manager there arranges for him to take an aptitude test (Section: Floors, sweeping and cleaning).

After the test, the manager says, You will be employed at minimum wage, $5.15 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address, so that I can send you a form to complete and tell you where to report for work on your first day. Taken aback, the man protests that he has neither a computer nor an e-mail address.

To this the MS manager replies, Well, then, that means that you virtually dont exist and can therefore hardly expect to be employed.

Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having only $10 in his wallet, he decides to buy a 25 LB flat of tomatoes at the supermarket. Within less than 2 hours, he sells all of the tomatoes individually at 100% profit.

Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 before going to sleep that night. And thus it dawns on him that he could quite easily make a living selling tomatoes. Getting up early every day and going to bed late, he multiplies his profits quickly.

After a short time he acquires a cart to transport several dozen boxes of tomatoes, only to have to trade it in again so that he can buy a pickup truck to support his expanding business. By the end of the second year, he is the owner of a fleet of pickup trucks and manages a staff of a hundred former unemployed people, all selling tomatoes.

Planning for the future of his wife and children, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. At the end of the telephone conversation, the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically.

When the man replies that he has no e-mail, the adviser is stunned, What, you dont have e-mail? How on earth have you managed to amass such wealth without the Internet, e-mail and e-commerce? Just imagine where you would be now, if you had been connected to the Internet from the very start!

After a moment of thought, the tomato millionaire replied, Why, of course! I would be a floor cleaner at Microsoft!

Moral of this story:

The Internet, e-mail and e-commerce do not need to rule your life.
If you dont have e-mail, but work hard, you can still become a millionaire.
Seeing that you got this story via e-mail of from the web, youre probably closer to becoming a janitor than you are to becoming a millionaire.

Top 10 Resolutions You Wont Keep This Year (for Nerds)



10. I will not buy magazines with AOL disks bound in just to get another 1.44MB disk.

9. I will stop sending email to my roommate.

8. I resolve to work with neglected children… my own.

7. I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm I answer my email.

6. When I subscribe to a news group or mailing list, I will read all the mail I get from it.

5. I will stay on the computer as long as I want. What? OK, dear… Im coming. Never mind.

4. No more downloads from alt.binaries.*

3. I resolve to back up my new 2 GB hard drive daily… well, once a week… monthly, perhaps…

2. I will spend less than one hour a day on the Net.

1. I wont try to get onto the Netscape web site as soon as a new Navigator beta comes out.

0. When I hear Where do you want to go today? I wont reply MS Tech Support.

-1. I will read the manual.

-2. I will think of a password other than password.

-3. I will limit my top ten lists to ten items.

 
AgeFAVORITE DRINK
16Wine Coolers
21White wine
30Red wine
45Dom Perignon
70Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser
 
AgeEXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES
16Need to wash my hair
21Need to wash and condition my hair
30Need to color my hair
45Need to have Francois color my hair
70Need to have Francois color my wig
 
AgeFAVORITE SPORT
16shopping
21shopping
30shopping
45shopping
70shopping
 
AgeDEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
16Burger King
21Free meal
30A diamond
45A bigger diamond
70Home Alone
 
AgeFAVORITE FANTASY
16tall, dark and handsome
21tall, dark and handsome with money
30tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
45a man with hair
70a man
 
AgeHOUSE PET
16Muffy the cat
21Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat
30Irish setter and Muffy the Cat
45Children from his first marriage and Muffy the Cat
70Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs Muffy the Cat
 
AgeWHATS THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
1616
2121
3030
4545
7070
 
AgeIDEAL DATE
16He offers to pay
21He pays
30He cooks breakfast the next morning
45He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
70He can chew breakfast
 

A rabbi, a minister, and a priest were playing poker when the police raided the game. Turning to the priest, the lead police officer said, Father Murphy, were you gambling?

Turning his eyes to heaven, the priest whispered, Lord, forgive me for what I am about to do. To the police officer, he then said, No, officer; I was not gambling.

The officer then asked the minister, Pastor Johnson, were you gambling?

Again, after an appeal to heaven, the minister replied, No, officer; I was not gambling.

Turning to the rabbi, the officer again asked, Rabbi Goldstein, were you gambling?

Shrugging his shoulders, the rabbi replied, With whom?

Q: Why was Santas little helper depressed?
A: Because he had low elf esteem.

Q: How many Macintosh users does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to ask the socket to eject the old bulb, and one to insert the new one.