Old and New Jokes

Un explorador andaba por el Amazonas y se encuentra con una tribu de caníbales.

El explorador, asustado, dice: ¡Ya me cargó la chingada!

De repente se abre el cielo y sale un rayito de luz que lo ilumina y se oye una voz grave:

No, no te ha caragado la chingada, toma la lanza del jefe y mata a su único hijo.

El explorador hace lo que le indica la voz, y mata al hijo. Los caníbales se quedan estupefactos.

De nuevo se abre el cielo, y se oye la misma voz:

¡Ahora sí pendejo, ya te cargó la chingada!

Llegan un elefante y una hormiga al Registro Civil. Titubeando, el paquidermo se dirige al juez:

Señor, juez… Este… Es que nos queremos casar.

La hormiga lo interrumpe y, recriminándole entre dientes, le reclama:

¿Nos queremos? ¡Nos teneemooos que casar!

George Carlin Speaks Out…



I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American.

I am George Carlin.



I like big cars, big hooters, and big paychecks.

I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some midlevel governmental functionary with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack addicts squirting out babies.



I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, youd better do it in English.

Im not in touch with my feelings and I like it that way.

I believe that it doesnt take a village to raise a child, it takes two parents.

I think owning a gun doesnt make you a killer.



I want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend Jesse Jackson preaches. And where does he get his money. And why is he always part of the problem and not the solution.



I believe if she has her lips on your willie, it is sex, and it is sex for both of you. This even applies when you are President of the United States.



I think that being a student doesnt give you any more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster. In fact, if your parents are footing the bill to put your pansy ass through 4-7 years of college, you havent begun to be enlightened.



I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God or gods, just leave the rest of us out of it. This also applies to sexuality.



I believe its called the Boy Scouts for a reason.

I dont think being a minority makes you noble or victimized.

I dont use the excuse its for the children as a shield for unpopular opinions or actions.

I think fireworks should be legal on the 4th of July.

My heroes are John Wayne, the Simpsons, and whoever canceled Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman.

I dont hate the rich. I dont pity the poor.

I know wrestling is fake and I dont waste my time arguing about it.



I think global warming is a big lie. Where are all those experts now, when I am freezing my ass through a long winter?



Ive never owned a slave, or was a slave, I didnt wander forty years in the desert after getting chased out of Egypt, I havent burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you, so shut up already.



I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry ass if youre running from them. I also think they have the right to pull your ass over if you are breaking the law, regardless of what color you are.



I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I dont want you deciding who should be running the most powerful nation of the world for the next four years.



I think if you are in the passing lane, and not passing, your license should be revoked, and you should be forced to ride the bus until you promise to never delay the rest of us again.



I think beef jerky could quite possibly be the perfect food.

I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please dont pretend they are a political statement.

I think Dr. Seuss was a genius.

Im neither angry nor disenfranchised, no matter how desperately the mainstream media would like the world to believe otherwise.



If that makes me a BAD American, then yes, Im a BAD American.

If you too are a BAD American please forward this to everyone you know.



We need our country back!

Theater Guest A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater.

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, Sorry, sir, but youre only allowed one seat.

The man groaned but didnt budge.

The usher became impatient. Sir, if you dont get up from there Im going to have to call the manager.

Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success.

Finally, they summoned the police.

The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, All right buddy, whats your name?

Sam, the man moaned.

Where ya from, Sam?

With pain in his voice Sam replied … the balcony.

Ill just call my lawyer about this

Another on that I have seen pulled is to have someone speak out at the time the minister asks, If anyone has good reason why these two should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.

They had a pregnant lady stand up and say, Oh, never mind! Ill just call my lawyer! It rattled the grooms mother so much that she fainted.

The marriage of Marxism and feminism has been like the marriage of husband and wife depicted in English common law: Marxism and feminism are one, and that one is Marxism. –Heidi Hartmann [The Unhappy Marriage of Marxism and Feminism]

Once upon a time, there was a cat who died. When she got to heaven, God asked her how she liked being on earth. She told the Lord that it was awful — she had to sleep in cold back alleys, where there was no food and life was hard. God told her that he was sorry it had had turned out that way — but here, in heaven, she would be happy and He would give her the most comfortable, warm pillow to sleep on. The cat laid down upon the pillow and was happy. A few days later, about a dozen mice that came to heaven together and God asked them how they had liked earth. The earth was no better for them than it was the cat. They explained to God that it was tough and exhausting and their feet were worn out from always running from cats and dogs and people. God felt bad for the mice and decided to give them rollerskates. One day God sees the cat again and asked her how she was liking heaven. She explained that it was absolutely wonderful. The pillow he gave her was the most comfortable place that she had ever slept on, but even better than the pillow were the meals on wheels.

Mueller is traveling with his wife and mother-in-law in a far eastern country. At a place of honor his mother-in-law makes a careless remark, which the native people take as an insult to the royal family.

Mueller is dragged off to court with his wife and mother-in-law and are sentenced to corporal punishment. Each of them are to recieve 50 lashes on the rear end with a cane. But because the royal family doesnt want to appear hostile to foreigners, they grant the guests in their country a wish beforehand, as long as it is able to be fulfilled.

Mrs. Mueller is first. What do you wish for yourself?

I would like a pillow bound on my rear end before the lashings.

Okay, that shall be granted to you.

Mrs. Mueller has the pillow bound to her rear end and receives her punishment. But because the pillow is too small and the executioner also hits her back a couple of times, she receives a few blows.

Next it is Muellers mother-in-laws turn. What do you wish for yourself?

I would like a pillow bound on my rear end and a pillow bound on my back before the lashings.

Okay, that shall be granted to you.

The mother-in-law receives her fifty lashes, but hardly feels the pain through the pillows.

Then comes Mueller himself. What do you wish for yourself?

I have two wishes. Do you want to fulfill them for me?

Because you are a guest in our country, we want to fulfill your wishes for you, as long as they are reasonable.

I would like 100 lashes instead of 50.

The executioner is surprised, but recovers again right away and replies, Yes, that is a pious wish, it shall be granted to you. And what is your second wish?

I would like to have my mother-in-law bound to my back.

The madam opened the brothel door to see an elderly Jewish man. His clothes were all disheveled and he looked needy.

Can I help you? the madam asked. I want Natalie, the old man replied.

Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else… No, I must see Natalie.

Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $1,000 per visit. The man never blinked and reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour whereupon the man calmly left.

The next night he appeared again demanding Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts… it was still $1,

000.

Again the old man took out the money, the two went up to the room and he calmly left an hour later. When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it.

Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went. At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the old man: No one has ever used my services three nights in a row… where are you from?

The old man replied, I am from Minsk. Really? replied Natalie, I have a sister who lives there. Yes; I know, said the old man. She gave me $3,000 to give to you.

Q. Why do men always want their brides to wear white?

A. Because they want their dish washer to match their fridge and stove.