You know youre a redneck when your flyswatter doubles as your spatula!
12
Oct
12
Oct
[ this is an old Irish joke, origin unknown ]
Hearing on the radio news this morning that Florida intends to
amend its indecent exposure law to allow mothers to breast feed
their babies in public, I was reminded of the following joke.
In times past in Ireland, hookers used to identify themselves by
walking the streets with one breast exposed. Usually fairly late
at night. However one morning, a woman gets off a bus and proceeds
to walk down the street with one breast uncovered.
Shes only walked a short distance when a man yells at her:
*WOMAN* – MAKE YOURSELF DECENT!
She gets a rather bemused look, and then realisation slowly hits
her: Holy Mary – I must have left the baby on the bus!
12
Oct
Q: Why did Smokey the Bear never have any children?
A: When his wife got hot, he beat her with a shovel.
Q: Why dont they let government workers look out the window in the morning?
A: So they will have something to do in the afternoon.
A girl criticized my apartment so I knocked her flat.
The first civilian on the shuttle was an English teacher. Now shes history.
12
Oct
The Fried Chicken House is featuring a new diner. Its called the HILLARY BOX
You get two small breasts, two large thighs, and a lot of left wings.
11
Oct
Q: How many trainspotters does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to change it, one to write its serial number down, and one to bring the anoraks and the flask of soup.
11
Oct
The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so a blonde went in to try out for the job. Okay, the sheriff drawled, what is 1 and 1?
Eleven, she replied.
The sheriff thought to himself, Thats not what I meant, but shes right. What two days of the week start with the letter T?
Today and tomorrow.
He was again surprised that the blonde supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.
Now, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?
The blonde looked a little surprised herself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, I dont know.
Well, why dont you go home and work on that one for a while?
So, the blonde wandered over to the beauty parlor, where her pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. The blonde was exultant. It went great! First day on the job and Im already working on a murder case!
11
Oct
Q: What do you get when you cross Santa Claus with Rambo?
A: You get a Gung-Ho Ho-Ho that, if your naughty, will be after your ass-Ho.
11
Oct
Death is Natures way of saying slow down.
Dont force it, get a larger hammer.
Earn cash in your spare time…blackmail friends.
Fairy tales: horror stories for children to get them used to reality.
Going the speed of light is bad for your age.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Herblocks Law: If its good, they will stop making it.
History does not repeat itself, historians merely repeat each other.
It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.
It works better if you plug it in.
11
Oct
Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin. As they were approaching Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the towns name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.
As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are… very slowly?
The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, Burrrrrr, gerrrrrr, Kiiiing
11
Oct
I saw the following warning label at MITs Junior Lab:
WARNING: Do not look into laser with remaining eye