Old and New Jokes

The circus manager looked at the tiny man who had applied for the job of animal trainer. Arent you kind of small for this line of work? he asked dubiously.

Thats the secret of my success, he replied. The animals keep waiting for me to grow bigger.

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, “Do you want to go to heaven?”

The man said, “I do Father.” The priest said, “Then stand over there against the wall.”

Then the priest asked the second man, “Do you want to go to heaven?” ”Certainly, Father,” was the man’s reply. ”Then stand over there against the wall,” said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O’Toole and said, “Do you want to go to heaven?” O’Toole said, “No, I don’t Father.”

The priest said, “I don’t believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don’t want to go to heaven?”

O’Toole said, “Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.”

Yo mamma is like a hardware store 10 cents a screw!

Their once was a Princess who fell in love with an indian, but still wasnt happy because he had accomplished nothing in his life. One day in the paper the princess read of an herbal tea drinking contest. Suprisingly the in Indian was very good at this and decided to enter. The contest began and soon it was down to the indian and another man,they both drank 32 gallons of tea. Finally after 34 gallons the other man dropped out and the indian won, by drinking 35 gallons of herbal tea. After celebrating, the indian went to sleep with the trophy in his hands and….that night he drowned in his teapee!

What smells worse than old garbage?

Poor White Trash

"My wife is an angel.""Lucky you. Mines still alive."

A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces. She responded, Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces.

David Beckham had a near-death experience the other day when he went

> riding.



> Everything was going fine until the horse started bucking up and down



> out



> of



> control. He tried with all his might to hang on but it was no good.



> With



> his



> foot caught in the stirrup, he fell head-first to the ground. His head



> continued to bump on the ground as the horse refused to stop or even



> slow



> down.



>



> Fortunately, however, there was a happy ending. Just as he was giving



> up



> hope and losing consciousness, the Woolworths manager came along and



> unplugged it.

This is another joke I heard from a friend many years ago. It is however
a translation from an Iranian joke.

A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish. By the time the
food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes back and says, Sir,
Im afraid there has been a mistake. You see, that police officer who is
sitting at the next table is a regular customer of ours and he usually
orders the same dish. The problem is, this is the last chicken in the
house. Im afraid Ill have to take this dish to him and arrange for
another dish for you!

The guy gets really upset and refuses to give up his food. The waiter walks
over to the other table and explains the situation to the officer. A few
minutes later the officer walks over to the mans table and says, Listen
and listen good. That is MY chicken you are about to eat and Ill warn you,
whatever you do to that chicken Ill do the same to you. You pull out one
of its legs, Ill pull out one of yours. You break one of its wings, Ill
break one of your arms!

The man calmly looks at the chicken, then sticks his middle finger in the
birds rectum, pulls it out and licks it. He then gets up, drops his pants,
bends over and says, Your turn!!

He aquí 10 razones por las cuales es mejor dormir que tener sexo:

1. Dura toda la noche.

2. No te sientes culpable de hacerlo sola o solo.

3. Nadie rumorea sobre que tanto duermes tú.

4. No te quejas en las mañanas de no haberlo tenido.

5. No hay que pagar para hacerlo.

6. No necesitas dormir después de dormir.

7. Puedes dormir hasta en la iglesia.

8. Mientras duermes puedes tener sexo con quien quieras.

9. Tu compañero o compañera no se queja.

10. Puedes dormir en la posición que desees.