Old and New Jokes

A Buckeye and a Briar were night fishin on opposite sides of the Ohio river. The Buckeye was pulling in a load of fish and the Briar couldnt even get nibble. The Briar yells across the river What kinda bait are ye usen , Buckeye yells back Night crawlers. Briar: Thats what Ima usen Buckye: Why dont ya come over this side and fish then? Briar: Taint no bridge fer twenty mile in either direction. Buckeye: Well, tell ya what Ill do. Ill flash this spotlight across the river and you can walk across on the beam. Briar: You must take me to be pretty stupid, I knows once I get half ways across youins will turn out the light.

As soon as she had finished parochial school, a bright young girl named Lena
shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and made her way to New York where
before long, she became a successful performer in show business.

Eventually she returned to her home town for a visit and on a Saturday night
went to confession in the church which she had always attended as a child. In
the confessional Father Sullivan recognized her and began asking her about her
work. She explained that she was an acrobatic dancer, and he wanted to know
what that meant. She said she would be happy to show him the kind of thing she
did on stage.

She stepped out of the confessional and within sight of Father Sullivan, she
went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits, handsprings and backflips.

Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two middle-aged
ladies. They witnessed Lenas acrobatics with wide eyes, and one said to the
other: Will you just look at the penance Father Sullivan is givin out this
night, and me without me bloomers on!

Say the word cow BEFORE each word.
1 – Cows
2 – About
3 – Talking
4 – Idiot
5 – This
6 – Got
7 – I
8 – Long
9 – How
10 – Look

Now say the word cow AFTER each word.
1 – Cows
2 – About
3 – Talking
4 – Idiot
5 – This
6 – Got
7 – I
8 – Long
9 – How
10 – Look

Now say the word cow BEFORE AND AFTER each word.
1 – Cows
2 – About
3 – Talking
4 – Idiot
5 – This
6 – Got
7 – I
8 – Long
9 – How
10 – Look

Now read the words upwards from the bottom.
1 – Cows
2 – About
3 – Talking
4 – Idiot
5 – This
6 – Got
7 – I
8 – Long
9 – How
10 – Look

One day a guy walks into a bar. The bartender says if you can make that horse over there laugh you can have free drinks for the rest of the night.

So he says ok and walks over to the horse and whispers something in his ear and he starts laughing and the bartender gives him free drinks for the rest of the night.

The next night the same guy comes back in and the bartender says if you can make that horse over there cry i will give you free drinks for the rest of the night.

So he walks over there and does something and the horse starts crying, and the bartender gives him free drinks. Then the bartender asks what the man did to make the horse laugh and what he did to make him cry.

The man says To make him laugh I told him I had a bigger dick than he does and to make him cry I showed him.

drinks Brazilian coffee…
from an English teacup…
and munches a French pastry…
while sitting on their Danish furniture…
having just come home from an Italian movie…
in their German car. They then picks up their Japanese pen… and write to their Member of Parliament to complain about the American take-over of the Canadian publishing business.

How did the mother know her daughter was masterbating during her period?

She was caught red-handed.

Un señor nececitaba una operación urgente al riñón. Va al médico y le dice:

Doctor, yo necesito un transplante de riñón urgente.

Bueno, señor, venga usted el lunes de la próxima semana a las 4pm.

Así transcurren los días y el doctor no encuentra al donante hasta que llaga el lunes a las 3pm y el doctor ve pasar un perro por delante de la clínica. Lo lleva a la sala de operaciones y le quita el riñón y se lo pone al señor.

Pasa un mes y el doctor dice: Ya me jodí, ahí viene el tipo que le puse el riñón de perro.

El doctor le pregunta asustado:

¿Y cómo se siente?

Excelente, doctor, nada más que un problemita: cada vez que voy al baño levanto la pata para hacer pila.

Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?
A: She saw 911 on the back and thought it was a Porsche.

One day a lady came in running into police station where santa singh was police inspector…
And she said praji..praji gajab ho gaya

Santa singh asked bhenji ki ho gaya
The lady replied mere pati 6 din pehle gobi ki sabji lene bazaar gaye the, aur abhi tak woh nahi laute hain

On that santa singh replied koi gal nahin bhenji, tusi aur koi sabji bana lo.

… lady why she didnt report the robbery right away.
I didnt know it was a robbery right away. It looked like my husband had been looking for a clean shirt.