Had a cousin once who was the town drunk. Not that unusual really, unless
you considered the fact that he lived in New York.
30
Sep
30
Sep
Santa and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from Patiyala to New Delhi. The lawyer asks if he would like to play a fun game. Santa, tired, just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He says, I ask you a question, and if you dont know the answer, you pay me fifty rupees, and vice versa.
Again, Santa declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, Okay, if you dont know the answer, you pay me Rs. 50, and if I dont know the answer, I will pay you Rs. 5000.
This catches Santas attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question: Whats the distance from the earth to the moon?
Santa doesnt say a word, reaches into his purse, pulls out a Rs. 50 bill, and hands it to the lawyer. Okay, says the lawyer, your turn. Santa asks, What goes up a hill with three legs and comes back with four legs?
,br>
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references … no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress … no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers but to no avail. After an hour,
he wakes Santa and hands him Rs. 5000. Santa thanks him and turns back to
get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, stirs Santa and asks, Well, whats the answer?
Without a word, Santa reaches into his purse, hands the lawyer Rs. 50, and goes back to sleep. And you thought Sardars were dumb.
30
Sep
A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink. He starts eating the beer nuts at the bar and he hears a voice say,
Wow! You look GREAT tonight!
The man looks over at the bartender who didnt say anything and just keeps drinking and eating beer nuts and he hears something again!
Thats an awesome shirt! You are amazing!
He looks around and hes the only guy in the place so asks the bartender if he had heard anything and the bartender says, Was the voice saying bad things or good things?
And the man replies, Good things, why?
And the bartender says, It must have been the complimentary nuts.
29
Sep
The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.
Isnt it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?
Just before someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in their stomach?
It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
29
Sep
The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are Howdy!, HEY! or How Yall Doin? (If they respond with the same… theyre a redneck too!)
You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
Youve ever stolen toilet paper from a public restroom.
29
Sep
ATENCIÓN: DIPLOMADO EN FUNCIÓN CEREBRAL PARA LA MUJER MODERNA
Objetivo del diplomado:
Iniciar a las mujeres en esa experiencia fascinante que es el uso del cerebro.
Pre-requisito:
Existencia de tutor de sexo masculino en régimen domiciliario, sin el cual el curso pierde eficacia y no se obtienen los resultados esperados.
Periodo / Duración:
Morenas: 30 dÃas por módulo.
Pelirrojas: 60 dÃas por modulo.
Rubias: Vitalicio.
Programa:
El diplomado está dividido en los siguientes cuatro módulos.
MÓDULO I: Queriendo usar tu cerebro.
– Aceptando tu propio destino: naciste mujer.
– Conociendo tu hábitat natural: la cocina.
– Superando la dependencia de tus amigas, teorÃa y práctica.
– Aprendiendo a organizar tu cartera. Ejercicios prácticos.
– Aprendiendo a comprar en menos de 4 horas. Nociones básicas.
– Establecimiento de lÃmites. El uso del maquillaje.
– Programación básica: Tú y el microondas.
– Programación avanzada: (exclusivo para morochas y pelirrojas).
РT̼ y la videocasetera.
MÓDULO II: Conduciendo.
– El automóvil: ese gran desconocido.
– ¿Qué ocurre al entrar a un auto?
– Dinámica de grupo: Estacionando el auto I: Nociones básicas. Estacionando el auto II: Evitando el banquetazo.
– Freno y acelerador: un desafÃo que puedes vencer.
– Hacer los cambios: guÃa completa y definitiva (rubias: sólo coches con transmisión automática).
– Todo lo que has deseado saber sobre izquierda/derecha y temÃas preguntar.
– Dinámica de grupo: ¿Existe diferencia alguna entre sacar la mano para indicar vuelta y para secarse el barniz de las uñas?
– Uso de las direccionales: teorÃa y práctica.
– Juego de colores: conociendo el semáforo (experiencias prácticas).
– GeometrÃa descriptiva avanzada: estacionando el auto en el garaje.
– La caja de herramientas: ese mundo inexplorado.
РSupervivencia I: En qu̩ parte del auto queda el gato.
– Supervivencia II: Cómo cambiar una rueda.
– Supervivencia III: Aprendiendo a verificar tu misma los niveles de aceite y agua.
MÓDULO III: Vida de a dos.
– TPM (tensión pre-menstrual): el problema es tuyo, no mÃo.
– Comprendiendo que por muy altos que sean los tacones nunca estarás a la altura del hombre.
– Lenguaje I: Definición de la palabra sÃ.
– Dinámica de grupo: Ejercicios prácticos para la pregunta expresa: ¿Ya estás lista?
– Lenguaje II: Definiendo el concepto 5 minutos.
– Dinámica de grupo: Esperando 5 minutos a las demás (requisito para la dinámica: llevar almohadas).
– SociologÃa básica: El fútbol no es un juego; es un acto sagrado.
– Educación cÃvica y moral I: Aceptando el fútbol los domingos.
– Educación cÃvica y moral II: Aceptando las charlas de fútbol entre hombres.
– Educación cÃvica y moral III: Aprendiendo a no intervenir en las conversaciones de los hombres (sobre todo las de fútbol).
– Evitando preguntas inútiles tales como: ¿Estoy gorda? ¿Cómo me queda?, ¿Qué me notas de diferente?
РSinceridad I: T̼ tambi̩n tienes gases.
– Dinámica de grupo: Experimentando.
РSinceridad II: T̼ tambi̩n tienes mocos.
– Dinámica de grupo: Sonándose la nariz a la hora de comer.
– Sinceridad III: ¿Por qué te crece el bigote? El lado masculino de toda mujer.
– DÃa de compras I: La tarjeta de crédito y aquella palabra desconocida: lÃmite.
– DÃa de compras II: Dividiendo los volúmenes. Tú también puedes cargar
РPor qu̩ tu madre no es bienvenida. 250 ejemplos comentados.
– El fenómeno del tiempo: la cena a la hora de la cena.
MÓDULO IV: Abriendo los ojos a la realidad.
– Uso del teléfono I: Cuándo cortar.
– Dinámica de grupo: Cuatro personas por aparato (avisar que no llegan a cenar).
РLa metamorfosis femenina a trav̩s del maquillaje. Fotos y proyecciones.
РMultihabilidades I: Conducir al mismo tiempo en que te maquillas, te pintas las u̱as, hablas por el celular y rega̱as a los ni̱os en el camino al doctor para la cita de tu madre.
– Eliminando el vicio de las telenovelas: el primer paso hacia el proceso de desintoxicación cerebral.
– Entendiendo de una vez y por todas que los argumentos de las telenovelas son situaciones ficticias que nacen de la imaginación de un pseudoescritor.
– ¿Qué ocurre con tu cuerpo? Tú y la ley de gravedad.
– Aceptándote a ti misma: los espejos nunca mienten.
SOLICITA YA TU LUGAR.
¡CUPO LIMITADO!
29
Sep
It is the dead wood that holds up the tree.
29
Sep
An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet.
He says, Lady, if this vacuum cleaner dont do wonders cleaning this up, Ill eat every chunk of it.
She turns to him with a smirk and says, You want ketchup with that?
The salesman says, Why do you ask?
She says, We just moved in and we havent got the electricity turned on yet.
29
Sep
You might be a redneck if you think the last words of the Star Spangled Banner are Gentlemen! Start your engines!
29
Sep
Theres this man whos taking a walk around the red light district
until he passes a whorehouse with a blinking sign saying: The
Hooker With Three Breasts…. The man gets just a little
interested and thinks well… that could be a once in a lifetime
experience. So he goes in and walks up to the man behind the
counter. Id like to see the hooker with the three breasts he
says.
Are you sure you can afford that… Itll cost you a thousand
dollars the pimp replies. But, the man is too exited, pulls his
wallet and pays him the money. So, hes taken up three stairs to a
little room in the back of the house and when he opens the room…
there she is. The room is dark but as he comes closer he sees it…
three breasts! And so the man absolutely has the night of his life.
The next day the man walks past that same whorehouse and thinking of
the night before and the time he had, he goes in and pays the pimp
another thousand dollars. Again, he goes up three stairs to that
little dark room in the back of the house. And as the day before,
she lies there waiting.
But, as he walks up to the hooker, he sees that something is
wrong… Hey! You had three breasts yesterday… he says after
which she smiles and says What did you expect honey… you can only
suck out a boil like that once!.