Old and New Jokes

– Sabrás que será un mal día cuando tu hermana gemela olvide tu cumpleaños.

– Sabrás que será un mal día cuando te quieras poner la ropa de fiesta que usaste en la fiesta de ayer en la noche y descubras que nunca existió esa ropa.

– Sabrás que será un mal día cuando llames a la policía para suicidarte y te digan: Espérese un momento por favor.

– Sabrás que será un mal día cuando te despiertes durmiendo boca abajo en el suelo.

– Sabrás que tendrás un mal día cuando te pongas el sujetador al revés y te encaje mejor.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

62. Call safety and security whenever your roommate turns up his/her music.

One day there were 10 would-be Catholic priests, going through the tests that would make them ministers.

The final test required them to all strip butt-naked and stand

in a row with little bells attached to their ding-dongs, facing a beautiful naked woman.

Well, lo and behold one of the bells went off, but when

it did, it fell to the ground. As soon as its owner bent over to pick it up, all the 9 remaining bells sounded at once.

Yup. Nine more ordained priests added to the Catholic Church.

1. He has only one major publication.

2. It was in Hebrew.

3. It had no references.

4. It wasnt published in a referred journal.

5. Some even doubt he wrote it himself.

6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then?

7. His cooperative efforts have been very limited.

8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.

9. He never applied to the ethics board for permission to use human subjects.

10. When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it by drowning his subjects.

11. When subjects didnt behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample.

12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.

13. Some say he had his son teach the class.

14. He expelled his first two students for learning.

15. Although there were only 10 requirements, most of his students failed his test.

16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountaintop.

17. Hes been known to associate with prostitutes.

This guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender gives him the drink and he drinks it. Then he looks in his shirt pocket and orders another drink. He does the same thing with the second drink and orders a third drink. The bartender pours the drink and says listen pal Ill buy you drinks all night long if you tell me why you keep looking in your shirt pocket. To this the guy replies I have a picture of my wife in my pocket and when she starts to look good I know Ive had enough to drink and its time to go home.

System 7 is like going out on a bad date. Your date is expensive and at
the end of the night you dont even get a good-night kiss.

DOS is like going out with an ugly girl except you know what your up
against, so you can work around it.

Windows is like going out with the same ugly girl but this time she is
wearing make-up.

Linux is like going out with an ugly girl but you tell all your friends
she is pretty.

Unix is like going out with a ugly girl but she is good in bed.

OS/2 is like going out with a beautiful girl but you have to be well
endowed to get anywhere.

NeXT is like going out with a super model only to find out she speaks
another language and only she knows that language.

VMS is like going out with your Mom.

Chicago is like going out on a blind date. All your friends hype her up
and say that she is better than anyone else you have dated but in the end she
turns out to be ugly.

NT is like trying going out with snobby girl. No matter how endowed and
rich you are, it is not enough to get her to go out with you.

I heard this story from a Unitarian minister, who swore up and
down that it was true. The young man in question is one of his
parishoners.

A young man, in the course of his college life, came to terms
with his homosexuality and decided to come out of the closet. His plan
was to tell his mother first; so on his next home visit, he went to the
kitchen, where his mother was busying herself stirring stew with a wooden
spoon. Rather nervously, he explained to her that he had realized he
was gay.

Without looking up from her stew, his mother said, You mean,
homosexual?

Well…yes.

Still without looking up: Does that mean you suck mens penises?

Caught off guard, the young man eventually managed to stammer an
embarrassed affirmative; whereupon his mother turned to him and,
brandishing the wooden spoon threateningly under his nose, snapped:

Dont you EVER complain about my cooking again!

There was a guy who worked for Blockbuster video. He found it to be a great but complicated job.

One day he was at the register and a older man came in and asked if he could buy a phone card. So the guy gave him a card, and he wrote him a check for $39.80. He then told him that it was 20 cents short, so he gave him 2 dimes.

Unfortunitely when he typed this into the computer, he missed the period on the keyboard and it came up as 20 dollars.

That night, the manager said that he was $19.80 short. The manager thought the guy had stolen it, so he fired him immediately.

And the moral to this story is:

Guys get in trouble over missed periods.

Patient: Im in a hospital! Why am I in here? Doctor: Youve had an accident involving a train.

Patient: What happened?

Doctor: Well, Ive got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?

Patient: Well… The bad news first…

Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.

Patient: Thats terrible! Whats the good news?

Doctor: Theres a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.

17 is a cyclic number – its digits always appear in the same order but will rotate around when multiplied by any number from 1 to 6:



17 x 1 = 17



17 x 2 = 285714



17 x 3 = 71



17 x 4 = 571428



17 x 5 = 71



17 x 6 = 857142





Pretty cool, huh?



Now multiply 17 by 7.