There was an old lady who heard you could keep cigarettes dry at the beach by stuffing the pack into a condom. She stopped into the pharmacy to pick some up.
The pharmacist said, What brand of condoms to you prefer maam.
She said, Im not sure, theyre for my Camels, at which point he fainted.
You might be a redneck if…
Every electrical outlet in your house is a fire hazard.
(This was current 25 years ago in Montreal.)
One very cold night, a young man dropped into the local
brothel and the madam said, Youll have to wait.
But theres lots of girls that arent busy right now.
Yes, but several of the rooms are closed for repairs.
Listen, Im pretty desperate. I dont need a room.
So she takes his money and he goes upstairs with one of
the staff and, after looking for a place to consummate the
transaction, they decide to do it on the roof. But its a
very cold night, and they freeze to death and fall to the
sidewalk. A passing drunk looks them over, staggers to the
door, and knocks.
Go away! says the madam. We dont allow drunks in here!
I dont want in, says the drunk. I just wanted to tell
you that your sign fell down.
A Gimme pig!!!
Examples of unclear writing. Sentences taken from actual letters received by the Local Welfare Department from applicants.
I am forwarding my marriage certificate and six children. I have seven, but one was baptized on half a sheet of paper.
I am writing the Welfare Department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money ?
Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for a year and has been visited by the clergy regularly.
I cannot get sick pay. I have six children. Can you tell me why ?
I am glad to report that my husband who was missing, is dead.
This is my eigth child. What are you going to do about it ?
Please find for certain if my husband is dead. The man I now live with cant eat or do anything until he knows.
I am very much annoyed to find that you have branded my son as illeterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before he was born.
In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a boy weighing ten pounds. I hope this is satisfactory.
I am forwarding my marriage certificate and three children, one of which is a mistake as you can see.
My husband got his project cut off two weeks ago and I havent had any relief since.
Unless I get my husbands money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life.
You have changed my little boy to a girl. Will this make any difference ?
I have no children yet as my husband is a truck driver and works day and night.
In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.
I want my money as quick as I can get it. Ive been in bed with the doctor for two weeks and he doesnt do me any good. If things dont improve, I will have to send for another doctor.
A playboy, out for pleasure one evening, picked-up a well-dressed young lady at a bar and took her to his apartment. She appeared well-to-do, chic, and very intelligent.
Thinking to make an impression, Mr. Playboy showed her some etchings, first editions, etc. He then offered her some wine, asking whether she preferred sherry or port.
Oh, sherry by all means! she replied.
Sherry is like the nectar of the gods. Just looking at it in this crystal-like decanter fills me with the anticipation of a heavenly thrill. When the stopper is removed and the beautiful liquid is poured into the glass and I inhale the delicious tangy aroma, Im lifted on the wings of ecstasy. As I taste the magic potion, my whole being thrills and glows, it seems like a thousand violins throb in my ears, and Im carried into another world.
Port, on the other hand, makes me fart.
Unas manzanitas se encontraban en el árbol colgadas en plena sesión de chismes, cuando de pronto se escuchó caer una manzanita al suelo. Todas guardaron silencio por un momento, pero después se empezaron a carcajear de la manzanita caÃda.
De pronto la manzanita que habÃa caido se voltea, las mira y les dice:
¡BOLA DE INMADURAS!
These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.
108. Bowl inside the room. Set up tournaments with other people in the building. Award someone a trophy. If your roommate wants to bowl too, explain that he/she needs bowling shoes.
Before heading south for a vacation, it may be a good idea to learn the language of our southern brothers and sisters. And were here to help…
Hah Tu Spek Suthun:
BARD – verb. Past tense of the infinitive to borrow.
Usage: My brother bard my pickup truck.
JAWJUH – noun. A highly flammable state just north of Florida.
Usage: My brother from Jawjah bard my pickup truck.
MUNTS – noun. A calendar division.
Usage: My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I taint herd from him in munts.
ALL – noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck.
FAR – noun. A conflagration.
Usage: If my brother from Jawjuh doesnt change the all in my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far.
BAHS – noun. A supervisor.
Usage: If you dont stop reading these Southern words and git back to work, your bahs is gonna far you!
TAR – noun. A rubber wheel.
Usage: Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh doesnt git a flat tar in my pickup truck.
TIRE – noun. A tall monument.
Usage: Lord willing and the creeks dont rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime.
RETARD – Verb. To stop working.
Usage: My granpaw retard at age 65.
RATS – noun. Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: We Southerners are willing to fight for out rats.
FARN – adjective. Not local.
Usage: I cudnt unnerstand a wurd he sed … must be from some farn country.
JU-HERE – a question.
Usage: Juhere that former Dallas Cowboys coach Jimmy Johnson recently toured the University of Alabama?
HAZE – a contraction.
Usage: Is Bubba smart? Nah … haze ignert.
VIEW – contraction: verb and pronoun.
Usage: I aint never seed New York City … view?
GUMMIT – Noun. An often-closed bureaucratic institution.
Usage: Great … ANOTHER gummit shutdown!
Just read in this mornings UPI newswires (Aug 18 1993) that Judge Walter Colbath has ordered Jerry Ericksonto quit eating poppyseed bagels or hell go to prison!
It seems Jerry is on probation for kidnapping and robbery, and one day he showed up for his probation meeting and tested positive for morphine … even though he swore he never touched the stuff! His doctor concluded the drug test may have picked up small traces of morphine from his breakfast that day – a poppyseed bagel!
So Palm Beach County Circuit Judge Walter Colbath on Tuesday allowed Jerry to remain on probation rather than to return to prison because the correction officials could not prove that hed used illegal drugs, but he ofered him to stop eating poppyseed bagels as a condition of parole.
Said Jerrys attorney, Dean Wilbur, regarding his job as a criminal defense lawyer, It continues to get weirder and weirder, the longer I do this!
So, just remember to say NO to bagels!