Old and New Jokes

How many blondes does it take to make a circuit?

Two: one to stand in the bathtub, and another to pass him the blow dryer!

On successive charts of the same organization, the number of boxes will never decrease.

Confusius say: He who smoke pot, choke on handle.

Yo mama so fat she sat on a rainbow and skittles started popping out…

A woman in her 90s is distraught after the death of her warm, caring, faithful husband of seventy years. She cant live without him and decides that the best way to do herself in is to stab herself in her pitifully broken heart. Still, she doesnt want to linger so she calls a doctor to find out exactly where the heart is.

He tells her to put her first two fingers together, hold them horizontally and place the tip of the first finger just below her left nipple. The heart, he says, is immediately below the first knuckle on her second finger.

Later that day, the doctor is called to the emergency room to put fourteen stitches in the elderly womans left thigh.

The events of Sept. 11th have prompted a security overhaul for the 2002 Winter Olympics in Salt Lake City.

Among the measures:

Testing athletes urine for traces of terrorism

Eliminating Mens 200m Embassy Bomb event

Turning Salt Lake City into hyper-paranoid, walled-off religious compound

Assigning athletes from Arab nations around-the-clock security buddy

All open flames to be immediately extinguished

Investigating any and all reports of fine white powder

Strictly prohibiting foreigners from Olympic village

Warning athletes not to make any sudden movements

Hoping that terrorists, like everyone else, have no desire to visit Salt Lake City

© Copyright 2001 Onion, Inc.

Two very drunk hillbillies were driving down a mountain road when suddenly they blew a tire, lost control of the car and went sailing over the cliffs edge.

As they plummeted downward, the hillbilly on the passenger side screamed hysterically, Oh, my God, Clem, were gonna die!

Aw, dont worry about a thing, Clem reassured him, looking below. Theres a stop sign at the bottom.

The hillbilly was whitewashing the interior of his country outhouse and had the misfortune of falling through the opening. Standing knee-deep in shit, he hollered, Fire! Fire! Fire! at the top of his lungs. The local fire department responded to the alarm on the double, with tires squealing and sirens screaming as they skidded to a halt in front of the privy.

Wheres the fire? called the chief.

Aint no fuckin fire, replied the farmer as they hoisted him out of the two-holer, but who the hell wouldve rescued me if Id yelled, Shit! Shit! Shit!?

Theres never been a macho Acapulco Man advertising campaign.
You dont see groups of stoners huddled around office building doorways in the rain.
No toothpastes are available to get rid of embarassing THC stains on your teeth.
The Spliffs Annual Tennis Classic didnt happen this year.
There are no Senators who identify themselves as being from marijuana states.
No drug kingpin (or other CEO) has lied before Congress about the addictiveness of marijuana.
Uh … wow, what was the question again?
Clinton has definitely inhaled tobacco.
Youll never, ever find the end of a marijuana cigarette on a sidewalk or in a public toilet.

… and the Number One difference between marijuana and tobacco:

Five years imprisonment and a $50,000 dollar fine!

Clinton only lacks three things to become one of Americas finest leaders: Integrity, vision, and wisdom.

Last night I went home to my blonde girlfriend, and told her I was going to screw her brains out.



Then I realized I was too late.