Old and New Jokes

29. If your walls are plastered with posters of half naked men or women (whichever your preference)

Paddy was picked up on a rape charge. He was placed in a lineup with ten
other fellows and the accusing woman was escorted into the room.

Paddy jumped forward, and screamed Thats her! Thats her! Id
recognize her anywhere!

A mans house is on fire. He runs out of the house with his son and tells him to wait outside. Then he runs back in and gets is daughter and brings her ouside. Then his wife. Then the dog. Then he goes back in a couple of times without bringing out anybody.
So a fireman asks him, Why are you going back in there? The man replies, Im turning over my mother in law.

10) Are poisonous snakes really venomous?
9) Is lighter fluid flammable?
8) What hurts more: falling off a building, or a cliff?
7) Are knives sharp?
6) Can sharks hurt a human?
5) What happens if I stick my hand in a piranha aquarium?
4) Can I break my arm hitting it against a wall?
3) Can I eat broken glass and live?
2) Can dogs talk?
1) Are blondes really dumb?

A man who had raped 5 women, who had killed 10 men with his bare hands, who had molested 15 children and who had voted for democrats died. As per the age old practise the Satan let him choose the fashion in which he was to spend all eternity.

Behind this first door was the old familiar room with a floor of knobbed iron. As far as the eye could see, there were people standing on their heads. The iron knobs dug into their skulls and the man shuddered as he heard their pathetic moans of pain. Not for me, he said, and slammed the door.

The second door as again you know was leading to a vast room with more people standing on their heads, this time on a hard wood floor, rife with splinters. The man backed away from the cries of pain and slammed this door as well.

Finally, with sinking heart, the man opened the third door. Here an entirely different sight met his eyes: In this room Mr. Clinton was having a jolly good time naked in bed with Julia Roberts. This is great, The man thought to himself I would love to do this

So he turned to the Prince of Darkness and told him this was his choice. The Devil smiled some more and pushed the man into the room, turned to Julia and said This man has chosen this room Julia, so you get to leave this room now to make way for this man. Lucky you!

Fifty Ways to Kill an Ensign
(Lyrics: Joel Polowin. Music: Paul Simons 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover)

The problem is something bout your clothes, she said to me
The red shirt and the stripeless sleeves yell, Im Security!
And when you get down planet-side with Kirk, youll get to see
There must be fifty ways to kill an ensign

He takes a landing party down to find whats going on
A couple of the bridge crew, and some extras come along
And then before you know it – the expendables are gone
There must be fifty ways to kill an ensign
Fifty ways to kill an ensign

Just step on a rock, Jock
Get thorns from some plants, Lance
A Horta can spray, Ray
Just listen to me
Clouds drink up your blood, Bud
Computers can kill, Bill
You could lose all your salt, Walt
Kirk gets away free…

She said it grieves me so to see you with such nerves
Not evryone who goes with Kirk will suffer from this curse
But then of course, you must recall – they sometimes suffer WORSE
There must be fifty ways to kill an ensign

Just tell him, Im not stupid and Im not expendable
Im not going! Tell him that hes a Denebian slime devil
And hes overbearing, swaggering, and dictatorial
Hell find a new way to kill an ensign
Fifty-one ways to kill an ensign

———-
Permission granted to use or distribute this text for any non-commercial purpose, so long as its content is not altered and this note is appended.
Id appreciate receiving a copy of any publication in which it is printed:
Joel Polowin / 205 Toronto St. / Kingston, Ontario / CANADA K7L 4A9 .
E-mail: polowin@silicon.chem.queensu.ca, polowin@chem.queensu.ca,
polowinj@qucdn.queensu.ca, Joel.Polowin@p4.f107.n249.z1.fidonet.org

Irv Cohen was tired of the rat race of New York City. He decided to move to the peace and quiet of the country. He bought a small farm and moved away from the big city.

Not knowing what to do with the farm, he talked to his neighbors. They suggested going to the local auction and buying some live stock. Irv did just that. In fact, he got a good deal on a dozen pigs at the auction.

When he got them home he realized they were all females so he talked to his neighbor to see if he could bring his girls pigs over to meet with his boy pigs so this man could get some babies. The neighbor agreed and so Irv, the new farmer, loaded the girl pigs in his truck to visit the neighbors pigs.

That night he went back to pick them up and he asked his neighbor How will I know if they are going to have little pigs?

The neighbor said that they would start acting real different and that he could just tell.

So next morning he went and checked his pigs and they were just acting normal so he took them back to the neighbors again. Next morning same thing no change so he took them back.

Next morning he was sitting at the table and he said to his wife Honey, look out the window and see if the pigs are acting different.

She looked out the window and said Well I dont know how different you mean but 11 of them are in the back of the truck and one is in the front honking the horn!!!

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

Support bacteria – theyre the only culture some people have.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

If at first you dont succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Como bañarse como un hombre:

1. Te quitas toda la ropa mientras estás sentado en la cama y la dejas tirada en el suelo.

2. Te vas desnudo hasta el baño. Si ves a tu novia/esposa en el camino, le enseñas el huevo y haces un sonido como elefante.

3. Te paras frente al espejo para ver tu físico. Metes la barriga, te ves el tamaño del huevo en el espejo, te rascas las bolas y te hueles las manos por última vez antes de bañarte.

4. Te metes en la ducha.

5. No te preocupes por buscar los pañitos (tú no los usas).

6. Te lavas la cara con jabón azul.

7. Te cagas de la risa por lo alto que se oye cuando te tiras un peo dentro de la ducha.

8. Te lavas tus partes privadas y alrededores.

9. Te lavas el culo y dejas un poco de pelo en el jabón.

10. Te lavas el pelo con cualquier champoo. (no usar acondicionador)

11. Te haces un peinado PUNK.

12. Abres la cortina de la ducha para verte en el espejo el peinado.

13. Te meas dentro de la ducha.

14. Te quitas todo el shampoo y el jabón y te sales de inmediato de la ducha. No te das cuenta que todo el baño está mojado porque dejaste la cortina por fuera de la ducha

15. te medio secas

16. Te vez otra vez en el espejo. Sacas los músculos y te miras el tamaño de huevo.

17. Dejas la cortina abierta y la alfombra del baño mojada.

18. Dejas la luz del baño y el ventilador prendido.

19. Regresas a tu cuarto con un paño en la cintura. Si vez a tu novia/esposa en el camino te quitas el paño, le enseñas el huevo y vuelves a hacer un sonido como elefante.

20. Tiras el paño mojado en la cama y te vistes en 2 min.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Brigham!
Brigham who?
Drigham back my sunshine back to me…!