Old and New Jokes

Two nuns riding down a cobbled road on bicycles. First one says to the other, Ive never come this way before.

Other nun says, Neither have I. Its probably the cobbles.

A guy dies and goes to heaven. Its a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says, Im not very busy today, why dont you let me show you around?

The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria and finally, they come to a huge room full of clocks.

The guy asks, Whats up with these clocks?

St. Peter explains, Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged.

The guy thinks that this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why that is?

St. Peter explains, Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds his clock.

This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before leaving and notices one clock in the center of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate. So he asks, Whats the story with that clock?

Oh, that, St. Peter replies, Thats OJ Simpsons clock. We decided to use it as a fan.

El director del manicomio sale de su oficina y llama a un par de chiflados:

Ustedes dos, vengan a mi oficina a limpiarla, que después yo los llevaré a tomar unos refrescos.

El director sale y los deja solos, después de 15 minutos regresa a su oficina y observa que uno de los locos está colgando de la lámpara del techo y el otro sigue barriendo.

¿Oye, qué haces colgado de la lámpara?

Es que yo soy la lámpara.

Bájate, para ir a comprar refrescos, le pide con cautela el director.

Sale de la oficina con el demente, y el que estaba barriendo los sigue. El director lo ve y le pregunta:

¿Por qué nos sigues? Regresa y sigue barriendo.

¿Cómo quieres que siga barriendo en un lugar tan oscuro si te llevaste la lámpara?

A guy goes to his doctor and says Doc, ya gotta help me. My dick is turning orange!



Doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop his pants so he can have a look. Damned if the guys penis isnt orange! Doc tells the guy, This is very strange. Sometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress in a persons life. How are things going at work?



The guy responds that he was fired 6 weeks ago. The doctor tells him that this must be the cause of the stress. Guy says No, the boss was a real asshole, I had to work 20-30 hrs of overtime every week, and I had no say in anything that was happening. I found a new job a couple weeks ago where I can set my own hours, Im getting twice my old pay, and the boss is real cool.



So the doc thinks a little longer and says Well, do you have any hobbies or a social life? Guy says, No, most nights I just sit at home watching porno flicks and eating Cheetos.

The feeling you have before you understand the situation.

A man was carrying 2 babies, one in each arm while waiting for a train. Along came this woman seeing the 2 cute babies started asking the man, Arent they cute, what are their names?

The man giving the lady an angry look replied I dont know.

The lady asked again Which is a boy and which is a girl?. The man looking angrier than before replied I dont know.

The woman then started to scold the man What kind of a father are you?.

The man replied I am not their father, I am just a condom salesman and these are 2 complaints that I am taking back to my company.

Patron: Waiter!
Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and Ill be your Support
Waiter. What seems to be the problem?
Patron: Theres a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly wont be there this time.
Patron: No, its still there.
Waiter: Maybe its the way youre using the soup; try
eating it with a fork instead.
Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.
Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl;
what kind of bowl are you using?
Patron: A SOUP bowl!
Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe its a
configuration problem; how was the bowl set up?
Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has
that to do with the fly in my soup?!
Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before
you noticed the fly in your soup?
Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!
Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest
Soup of the Day?
Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??
Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.
Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?
Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.
Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the
check. Im running late now.

[Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check]

Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.
Patron: This is potato soup.
Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasnt ready yet.
Patron: Well, Im so hungry now, Ill eat anything.

[Waiter leaves.]

Patron: Waiter! Theres a gnat in my soup!

The check:
Soup of the Day$5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day$2.50
Access to support$1.00

This machine is subject to breakdown during periods of critical need.

A special circuit in the machine called a critical detector senses the operators emotional state in terms of how desperate he or she is to use this machine.

The critical detector then creates a malfunction proportional to the desperation of the operator. Threatening the machine with violence will only aggravate the situation. Likewise, attempts to use another machine may cause it to also malfunction. (They belong to the same union.) Keep cool and say nice things to the machine. Nothing else seems to work. Never let anything mechanical know you are in a hurry.

A friend of a friend, who is an airline copilot, told the following stories about a captain with whom he often flew. This man was an excellent pilot, but not very good at making passengers feel at ease.

For example, one time the airplane preceeding him blew a tire on landing, scattering chunks of rubber all over the runway. He was asked to hold descent while the trucks came out and cleaned up. His announcement to the passengers:

Ladies and gentlemen, Im afraid there will be a short delay before our arrival. Theyve closed the airport while they clean up whats left of the last airplane that landed there.

Then there was the time they were flying through turbulence. Some of the passengers became alarmed at how much the wings were bending in the rough air, and one of the flight attendants relayed their concern to the captain. His announcement to the passengers:

Ladies and gentlemen, Ive been informed that some of you have noticed our wings bending in the turbulence. In fact, the flight attendant told me that the wing tips are bending as much as ten feet in the bumps. Well, thats perfectly normal; theres nothing to worry about. Our wings are designed to bend as much as thirteen feet at the tips and, as you can see, were nowhere near that yet.

Lets:

…make like a tree and leave.
…make like a shepherd and get the flock outta here.
…make like a bird and flock off
…make like horse sh!t and hit the trail.
…make like a banana and split.
…make like a missile and cruise.
…make like a fetus and head out.
…make like a baby and head out.
…make like a hockey player and get the puck out of here.
…make like a drum and beat it.
…make like a drummer and beat it.
…make like a bee and buzz off.
…make like Diarrhea and run
…make like a tire and hit the road
…make like Linda Lovelace and blow.
…make like a terrorist and blow this place.
…make like a busboy and get the fork out of here.
…make like a douche and get the fuck out of there.
…make like a strawberry and jam.
…make like traffic and jam.
…make like stockings and run.
…make like a sock and run.
…make like a loaf of French bread and baguette.
…make like a bakery truck and haul buns outta here.
…make like a bread truck and haul buns.
…make like a Bakery truck and Move your buns.
Were off like a prom dress!!!
…make like a prom dress and take off.
Were off like pants in the dark.
…make like the devil and get the hell out of here.
…make like the Red Sea and split.
…make like the Red Sea and part.
…make like a banana in the presence of ice cream and split
…make like an amoeba and split…!
…make like the wind and blow.
…make like a tomato and Ketch-up.
…make like a driver and Keep On Truckin.
…make like a teamster and Keep On Truckin.
…make like a hippy and Keep On Truckin.
…make like the Dead and Keep On Truckin.
…make like lightning and bolt.
…make like a Nut and Bolt.
…make like a rectum and get the sh*t out of here.
…make like a donkeys d!ck and hit the road.
…make like [insert name of unpopular politician or personality] and blow.
…make like Michael Jackson and Beat it!
…make like a hippy and blow this place.
…make like Santa Claus and leave your presents (presence)!
…make like Tom and Cruise.
…make like Pablo and Cruise.
…make like Pablo and Pick Ass Off here. (?)
…make like a Hewlett Packard Laser Printer and jet.
…make like a jacket and zip.
…make like a magnet and flux off.
…make like Levis and fade away.
…make like a bowel, and move.
…make like a tie and hang around some more.
…make like a botanist and leaf.
…make like a dog and flea.
…make like a register and shift.
…make like newlyweds; remain in bed all day. (or go to bed early.)
…make like an unstructured program, and go (to).
…make like Houdini and disappear
…make like a mongrel and get lost
…make like a teeny-bopper singer and fade away
…make like data and move
…make like make(1) and update (your location)
…make like a football and kickoff
…make like a baseball player and home-run
…make like rot13 and shpx bss
…make like a pound and quid (quit).
…make like a jet and zoom.
…make like an airplane and take off.
…make like a hat and go on ahead.
…make like an atom and split.
…make like a Catholic and pull out.
…make like The Exorcist and get the hell outta here.
…make like rain and get the hail out of here.
Im going to take a sedimental journey and precipitate outta here.
Im off like exit(0).
Let us leave (lettuce leaf) (only works for 2+, obviously)
Off like a dirty shirt.
Off like the brides pajamas.
Were off lika a brides nightie…
Put an egg in my shoe and beat it.
Why dont you make like an asshole and post exit lines?
Hanging in there like stink on a stockyard boot.
Act like yesterdays lunch, go down and out the back.

Award Winners…

The award winner for the most relevant and irrelevant contribution;
There were other versions (corrections… sheesh!) but this was the first.
And dont forget my favorite (from Back to the Future):

Make like a tree, McFly. Get outta here.
–AMS

The award winner for the most tasteless contribution;

…make like an abortion and head out early.

BONUS JOKE-

What the marketing director of a major condom manufacturing company
said when asked to come up with a new gimmick for their new line
of condoms;

Lets make like bullfrogs and ribbit

– P. Inglis, Waterloo Ontario Canada.